Shermer; IL– All government offices will remain closed today as local citizens continue to cope with the loss of their most treasured son. John Hughes Jr. died Thursday of a heart attack while visiting family in New York.
Shermer Mayor Jake Ryan decreed that flags at all city buildings be flown at half staff until further notice.
“It’s the very least we could do to honor Mr. Hughes,” Ryan said. “I encourage all Shermerites to do the same at their businesses and homes.”
Ryan said he was taking the news especially hard. “I’ve known Mr. Hughes since my glory days at Shermer High School. He’s always been there to offer inspiration and guidance.” Mayor Ryan learned about the sudden death of Hughes during a family gathering. “I was out back grilling when Samantha ran out and handed me the phone. Stunned, devastated, those were the immediate reactions.”
“After we had a moment to ourselves, we started spreading the word,” Ryan said. “I called Ted and Caroline immediately, while Sam rang up Ginny, Mike and even made an overseas call to Long Duk. It’s amazing the reach of Mr Hughes’ influence.”
“I’ve told people about him everywhere I’ve gone,” said Del Griffith, Director of Sales for American Light and Fixture, Shower Curtain Ring Division. “After Marie died, I was going to give up the traveling salesman business, then I ran into Mr. Hughes at a diner one morning. We had a couple of slices of pie and he told me it was what I loved and what I was supposed to do. Had it not been for that conversation, I never would have met Neal, and I wouldn’t have a best friend.”
Hughes’ memory will live on in many ways. Lisa Inc co-founder and CFO Gary Wallace said the company planned to endow a John Hughes scholarship. “Me and Wyatt did not even come up with the idea, our wives, Deb and Hilly actually brought us the plan.” It will be a company wide effort Wallace added. “Everyone at Lisa Inc will be contributing. From me and CEO Donnelly, all the way down to our limo driver Ian, our currier Max and even our custodian Chet.”
Many other of Shermer’s wealthiest residence made plans for honoring Hughes as well. “I am thinking a parade,” said Ferris Bueller. “I mean, if I can’t use my lottery winnings to throw a big party in his memory, then what good is the money?”
The funeral for Hughes has people coming to Shermer from all over the globe. “Me and the family are currently in Abu Dhabi,” said local food additives researcher Clark Griswold. “I have a new bar-b-q sauce I have been trying to market in the Middle East. It hasn’t been going well and we have been wanting, and encouraged, to get back to Illinois soon anyway.”
Local law enforcement is prepared for the possible surge of people coming to town to pay their respects to Hughes. “We have a contingency plan in place,” said Shermer Police Chief John Bender. “I spoke with Kevin Mcallister, who as you know runs the top private home security business in the nation, and he has told me he will provide his employees at no cost to help with crowd control.”
The service is expected to take place in the Andrew Clark Gymnasium at Shermer High School, according to Principal Carl Reed. “I’ve already have Dick Vernon and the rest of the maintenance staff setting up the chairs.”
Local artist Allison Reynolds has donated one of her paintings to the Hughes family, and award winning writer Brian Johnson is expected to contribute an essay.
Some residents were obviously more affected than others. “Well, that’s not very nice. I’m sad,” said Phillip F. Dale, owner of Duckie’s, Shermer’s only upscale men’s clothing boutique. “Well here’s… here’s the point. I’m not particularly concerned with whether or not he liked me, because I lived to like him and… and I can’t like him anymore. So… so when I’m feeling real low and… and dirty, and my heart is splattered all over hell, I can’t look to him to pump me back up cause… cause… cause maybe for the first time in my life he won’t be there!”
In lieu of flowers, the family requests donations be made to the Northwestern University School of Medicine, Arthritis Research Fund, 300 E. Superior St., Lurie Building, 7th Floor, Chicago, Illinois 60611. Info: 847-234-0022.

Tom Petty was wrong, the waiting is not the hardest part. The hardest part is not even the actual weather event, it’s the aftermath. The waiting does suck though.
I woke up today and turned on the news and immediately my heart sank. I knew that I was going to be hearing a ton of crappy recycled hurricane jokes.
Thanks to all my friends from all around the country that called to ask if I was watching the weather. I am sure you meant well, but it was kind of like saying “I think you are a dumbass that does not pay attention to the news.”
Sure I watched the news, and I was aware of the big winds blowing hard… and that’s just the Democratic National Convention. ZING!
So right now I am polishing off the last of my stock of Abita seasonal. Mmmmm Strawberry Harvest Lager.
The apocalypse may indeed be upon me again. I have come to realize that evacuation planning is much more difficult when you do not own a car. By the way, do you own a car? Want to give me a ride to another city? Preferably one that is much more northernly and westwardly.
I am pretty well stocked up on water and perishable goods. Kind of lacking in the ammunition department. Somebody start that charity. Don’t set up a tent in the grocery store parking lot collecting bottled water to send to the Gulf South. Set up that tent and collect ammunition.
Hey Weather Channel, how about some different music for Local On The 8s when the local may be wiped off the map in a few days. Contemporary jazz just doesn’t seem to cut it when one or more of the Four Horsemen may be trotting into town.
I am gonna keep calling people out. People that try to act like baddasses because they stayed through Katrina. If you did, odds are you are not a badass but actually a dumbass. The way things played out, and your own liberal dose of revisionist history have made you look like a universal soldier. You are not. Also, screw you guy on the other end of the spectrum. The pussy that is already swaddling his family in bubblewrap and getting ready to head out of town when we are still days away from knowing where the storm may go.
I really wish I would have paid better attention during that one meteorology class I took in college. Even tough I only took half a quarter (an eighth?) of that class, I guess I am still more qualified to look at the weather than most people. Did you ever own a book about meteorology? Even if it was never opened.
How big of a deal is this? College football season starts tomorrow and it is not the most prominent thing on my mind.
As I type this The Weather Channel is airing the episode of It Could Happen Tomorrow on New Orleans. Are you fracking kidding me? Yes it COULD happen tomorrow. Or at least in the next week.
Oh yeah, Gustav has two more on its tail. Good times indeed.

Athens, GA — A night out boozing in Athens brought many things to my attention. First and foremost, I am old. What is up with college kids enjoying hanging out at crowded bars? That’s so not fun. And why do college kids have less respect for personal space than anyone else on the planet Earth?
If I ever become wildly rich and famous, or from a more realistic standpoint, hit the Powerball, I have my philanthropy all figured out. I am going to hire a gang of muscled-up meatheads. Then, I will provide them with state of the art training facilities (imagine what Ivan Drago had in Rocky IV but 22 years newer). And, I will have an onsite doctor to write them prescriptions for any substance they need. I will then take this squadron out to college bars and have them bump into random kids. When the kid’s drunken bravado (coupled with the fact that his “boys” are with him) manifest itself, my finely trained team will commence to distributing unholy beatings.
This may seem unusual to some, and cruel to others, and a few may find it to be both. But, here’s the thing. Most of these kids haphazardly stumble through bars because they do not realize their actions may have consequences. College campuses are full of upper-middle class white kids who do not know the harsh effects of a brutal beatdown. If you’ve never had your ass kicked, it’s quite easy to walk around with your chest bowed out talking smack to anyone you chose. However, once you’ve had your nose moved to the back of your skull (without the benefit of anesthesia) you may think twice about stepping on some guy’s foot, or knocking his drink over, or grabbing his girlfriend’s ass. or just being a douchebag.
Once my plan is in place, college bars would be a more enjoyable place to hang out, and a large group of young adult males would realize that other people should be respected. Who doesn’t win here?
I must give Athens credit for this, the women are still amazing. Obviously in their looks, but now with HOPE, UGA has an abundance more brains floating around campus than in previous generations (this applies to both genders). I have been all over the country, and I will put the women of Athens up against any other college town. Oxford? Seen it, doesn’t match up. Austin? Been there, falling a little short. Tempe? Got some experience. May win a quantity versus quality battle, but it’s a hollow victory.
One thing college towns do get right is how they handle their women. Bring them in when they are 18-years-old. Full of promise. Young and nubile in every way imaginable. Keep them around for 4-5 years. After they have learned the ways of the world, become a bit more bitter and added a few pounds, they are kicked out of this utopia. I don’t understand why rich middle-aged men don’t spend more time hanging out in college towns. It’s like the Costco of trophy wives.

Addison, TX — My life and my home in quotabel form:
“We’re not even dealing with dead bodies. They’re just pushing them on the side.”
— New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin
“Imagine your worst nightmare and quarruple that times 100.”
— Slidell, LA police officer Rob Callahan
“We’ve got cadaver dogs, but we’re only looking for the live people at this point.”
— Rachel Zechnelli, Department of Wildlife & Fisheries
“It’s a fucking hurricane, what are you going to do with a basketball goal?”
— A New Orleans fireman at Tchopitoulas Wal-Mart (two blocks from my house)
“It is looting times five. I’m telling you, it’s like Sodam & Gomorah.”
— New Orleans City Council President Oliver Thomas
“We’re using exhausted, scarce police to control looting when they should be used for search and rescue while we still have people on roof tops.”
— New Orleans Councilwoman Jackie Clarkson
“This is so fucked up.”
— me

Today makes the list. Suddenly my material possesions seem trivial. The world lost a great person today. Jennifer Renee Hartman was a queen among commoners. She had beauty, grace, intelligence, sophistication and most of all a general coolness. Some would see what I see as cool as geeky, but that is one of the things that made Jennifer great. Me and her could have an enthralling conversation about Wedge’s role in the Rebel Alliance while I stared at her chest and everyone came out a winner. I wish I could talk to her right now about my time as a prisoner of war in Addison, TX. I wish I could talk to her about how her classes are going and whether or not she’s got another 4.0 on the horizon. I wish I could talk to her in five years and have her tell me about her successful career and even more succesful marriage. I’ll never get to have these conversations. I wish I could see her in 30 years in an airport and have that conversation we said we would have 30 years from now in an airport. I wish that inside joke I just told didn’t just become exclusive. This has probably been the day that brought the most depressing events in a 24 hour period. I am tired of analogies. I am just sad. I miss my friend. FUCK A FUCKING FUCKITY FUCK!

Addison, Texas — I Am Drunk!
But I would like to lighten the mood with a funny comment.
Katrina had winds so powerful they were able to lift Jonathan Sullivan off the ground.

To all my friends near and far — I am out of harm’s way.
To everyone stuck in southeast Louisiana — let me know your religion and I will convert and pray to your god.
Whatever you do to wish good fortune upon others, be it prayer, hoping, wishing, tossing coins in fountains or spliting aces and eights…. do it with those in Katrina’s path in mind. If the only thing I have to cry about in the morning is my personal posesions, I will.. you know….

This weekend I discovered that most jukeboxes in the French Quarter contain Body Count (sans Cop Killer). Well… ther goes the neighborhood.

In my head I had written this whole blog that mocked London winning their bid to host the Olympics in 2012. It made fun of NYC, Paris, Madrid and Moscow. It drew comparisons to my own experience with Atlanta being awarded the Centenial Games in 1990 and how our expectations did not equal up to reality.
I also had in my head a whole blog bitching about having to deal with two potential hurricanes in a single week. But at least I know the hurricanes are coming. No surprises there. I don’t need Bob Geldf putting on a bunch of crappy shows to raise my awareness of these storms, I’ve got The Weather Channel.
Then On My way home I heard what happend in the United Kingdom.
I am fortunate to currently not have any friends living in, or traveling to, London. This greatly reduces my fears and concerns. This is selfish, but my thoughts, hopes and wishes still go out to those across the pond.
Events like what happened in London today make me reflect on my own life and safety. I live in the second busiest port in the world. The warfs are less than a block form my home. I work in one of the top tourist destinations in the world.
So, here I sit, typing at my computer. While I live and work in a place that is ripe for terrorism and has a (currently category 2) hurricane bearing down on it. I once again feel selfish, but I have to change the channel. I want to know what is happening in London, but I need to focuse on Dennis. Not a fun weekend on the horizon.

TS Cindy paid us a visit tonight and was a rather pleasant guest (all things considering). There was rain, there was wind, but no lasting efects. My neighborhood had its fair share of downed limbs, but I’ve got power, phone, cable, water and no flooding. This has not been a good week for service industry workers in New Orleans. Essencefest followed by a tropical strom, and coming this weekend, a hurricane. Tonight for the first time in my employment history at my current job we closed early. This has been a bad hurricane season so far. Just over a month in and four named storms. Arlene went east, Cindy went east, and here comes Dennis. Just counting the days until my flood insurance kicks in.

Not sure if this should be a “things I wish I never would have heard,” or a “things that never should have been said.” But tonight I heard these words come out of a girl’s mouth at a bar — “You know what’s worse than getting food stuck in your braces? Getting a Loritab stuck in your braces.” WRONG on sooo many levels.