Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

I’ve Been Here For Years

April 8th, 2004

This is long overdue. I have relocated (georgaphicaly and emotionaly) and should have been chiming in with the amusing anecdotes weeks ago. Because (1) there are interesting stories to tell, (2) the hard working and extremely talented team at heideldesign set this site up for me, and (3) I need comments that aren’t offering gambling tips and penis enlargement (I get enough of that from spam and the two topics are more closely related than I would ever want to admit).
So, I now live in a town that has no last call AND a casino. To drive these points home, there is a bar a few blocks from me that offers daily drink specials from 5-7… AM! And I can do my laundry there. And I will not even get into the dangers of living walking distance from a casino. The “I’m bored and just going to stop by and play the slots for a few minutes” philosophy works significantly better in theory than in practice.
Moving to a new town is odd. So much that you don’t realize you don’t know how to find until you need it (grocery store, oil change, dry cleaning, bank, laundromat).
I always said I looked forward to mising Athens. Thus far, other than a hankering for Gutherie’s that hasn’t come up yet (except for the fact that people in this town expect me to pay full price for all of my food and alcoholic beverages). Do I wax nostalgic? yes. Do I experience lonliness? yes. Do I wish I was back there right now? not so much.
I make a solumn vow to be a more loyal blogger. hang with me because it’s gonna get crazy.


February 27th, 2004

Four thousand three hundred ninety two. That’s how many Roman Catholic priests have been accused of molestation. Does this warrant a Constitutional ammendment?

So Messed Up

August 29th, 2003

We all knew it was coming, September 11, 2003. There hasn’t been as big of a hub-bub about the anniversary as there was last year, but it was in the back of everyone’s mind. With the release of the Port Authority tapes today, it all becomes real again. While The Bush Part II: The Son Strikes Back administration has dubbed 09/11 “Patriot’s (or is Patriots’?) Day,” I still think this date should become some type of cival servant appeciation day. Although I have rolled my eyes and bit my tounge at all the FDNY and NYPD officers who were hours (city traffic) away from the site but still chose to reap in the adulation of their fallen comrades. I agree with decission to release the tapes, as well as the decission to do it in transcribed form. There is too much of a public need to know (even though we’ll never get the real truth) to not give out some of the 411 on what went down. I don’t think the release made the day any worse, just confirmed what rational people had known all along, that some people tragically died.

Definition Of A Term

June 13th, 2003

In case you need to know — If you (with two buddies standing with you) brandish a weapon (knife) at a guy (who is like five foot nothing a hundred and nothing), then he (who sports glasses and freckles) laughs at you and walks away, then you hit him (could this guy sound less intimidating) in the back, then gather four more guys and begin to talk shit, but will not take a step towards him (as he encourages you to), then when two other guys (sides now seven on three) appear out of nowhere and seem to be with this guy (those guys only slightly bigger than our subject), you choose to run away… you are a big huge PUSSY! Don’t know if Websters will pick that up, but I think it is accurate.


May 3rd, 2003

The time is upon us. My future will be set soon (where I don’t know). There is an odd comfort about walking into work and not caring if you still work there tomorrow. So, stop by and see me tonight, a good time will be had. Petron anyone?

Too Old For This Shit

April 30th, 2003

I know that when striking to use elbows and forearms and not clenched fists. But as I look at my fingers right now, I am reminded that I do not always remeber to do this. Even typing hurts. Oh well, exerting agression did give me a momentary release.

You Put 62 Gallons In An Ounce

February 26th, 2003

OK, a free drink to anyone that gets the reference in the headline to this post. While I’m giving out prizes, a handsome gratuity to the first delivery person who can find my apartment without calling for additional directions. Why can people get all gung ho for “Gods And Generals” (btw, Jeff Daniels was born in Athens) and not realize the badness that comes from people within a country fighting over control of land. Just thought that maybe should be a consideration in U.S. foreign policy (turning one stable country into three fucked up ones?). If you’re gonna do it, do it right! Physique contouring gel is my new favorite hair gel. Good hold, no crunchiness. Bless stores going out of business. I got a Marky Mark CD (from Wherehouse Music) for $1.80, and you can just walk into the K-Mart on Broad St and buy a basket full of siringes without even the remotest hint of a question. Can’t wait to go to the Macy’s in ATL this weekend. I have realized that the people at yahoo think i need a mortgage deal, a penis enlargement and impressionest paintings, but the offer for a breast enlargement seemed to be a bit too far out of my demographic. What has two thumbs and needs some sleep? THIS GUY!

Words of Wisdom

January 23rd, 2003

For those of you who have never been priveledged to hear this information, I will now grace you with everything I have learned about women during my time on Biosphere I: (1) they are soft (2) they smell good (3) they like Grease. That’s It. Pushing three decades and those are the only things I have learned.

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable