Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Tampa Bay Winning Prompts Changes

October 7th, 2008

Fresh off a win in the American League Division Series, The Tampa Bay [retracted] Rays find themselves at the center of the baseball universe. The team’s meteoric rise to the top of the Major League’s toughest division has teams throughout the sport playing catch up.
“You just don’t see that in this day and age, a team going from worst to first,” said Neal Huntington, general manager of the Pittsburgh Pirates. “I mean maybe in the NFL, where you’ve got things like a salary cap, but not in baseball. Not in this day and age.”
“To me it reeks of parity. Parity! Parity? In Major League Baseball? In the American League East? That’s just crazy talk,” said Andy MacPhail, president of baseball operations for the Baltimore Orioles. He then went on to elaborate that he saw some potential humor in this season’s final standings. “Now parody, I could go for some of that. Like if The Onion had written a story about the D-Rays winning the AL East, I’d’ve gotten one helluva chuckle out of that. Probably would’ve sent it out as an e-mail to some of my other friends around the division.” When informed that The Onion specialized in satire and not parody, MacPhail angrily retorted “Well fine then Mr. Uppity Newspaper Dude, how about if Mad TV did a sketch on it? Would that suit you? ” As the unidentified, but petrified reporter retreated from the press room, MacPhail chased the reporter down the hall yelling “I can’t wait til the god damn internet puts your sorry ass out of business.”
Th success of the Rays has confused executives throughout the AL. Oakland A’s vice-president and general manager Billy Beane is perplexed as to how the Rays can build on this season’s winning ways. “Sure they have a base of veterans and young players, but they don’t have a hot pitcher to trade away for pennies on the dollar,” he said. “I don’t think Andy Sonnastine garnered enough attention despite his high win total and David Price didn’t even get called up until September…” At that point Beane was cut off when a deranged looking Al Davis wandered into the room and fired him. Beane just shrugged, “he does that two or three times a week, it’s actually kind of funny.”
“I sort of enjoy sharing a home with him,” Beane continued. “That old coot cracks us up around here.” During the September 14 game against the Texas Rangers, Davis wandered out onto the field of the Coliseum and yelled at A’s players to “get off his lawn.” Even those outside of the A’s and Raiders have been affected by Davis’s insane tirades. “That first Monday night game of the season against Denver was pretty harrowing,” said Ignacio De La Fuente, chair of the Oakland Alameda County Coliseum Authority. “First he saw Mike Shanahan and insisted on firing him. We told him that Shanahan coached the Broncos now, but that didn’t sway him. He then ordered one of his assistants to get Pat Bowlen on the phone so he could fire him for hiring Shanahan, Then the broadcast team walked by and he saw Ron Jaworski and thought it was Super Bowl XV and insisted that we sent out an intern to get him some red beans and rice from Pat O’Brien’s.”
New York Yankees general manager Brian Cashman was enjoying a rather peaceful October. “Look at it, isn’t it beautiful,” Cashman beamed as he stood up from a park bench and pointed up and down Wall Street. “I come here every day, it’s quite relaxing.” Cashman explained that he usually has to take a vacation at the end of a season when the Yankees fail to capture a world championship. “One year I went to Afghanistan, another I traveled to a leper colony in Bangladesh. With the way things were shaping up this season, I had already booked a trip to Darfur. Then the market collapsed and I didn’t even have to leave the city.” Cashman then leaned back and rubbed his belly, the smile never leaving his face. “I mean I thought wasting $207 million was bad, but did you see what these guys did? I did steal some ideas from these guys though. I’m going to call Senator Clinton and see if she can get us a government bailout for the $40 million we gave Carl Pavano. He was definitely a sub prime pitcher.”
Some have attributed the winning ways of Tampa Bay to the name change. After last season, the Devil Rays shortened their name to the Rays. This trend has caught on like Wildfire (the Michael Martin Murphy song which reached number one on the charts in 1975 not Tommy Rich who reigned as NWA World Heavyweight Champion for four days in 1981). Jumping on board first was Toronto. “We are through with the Blue,” said the Toronto baseball club’s president Paul V. Godfrey. “From here on out we are just the Jays.” Quick to capitalize on that was Baltimore CEO Peter Angelos. After observing that the division already had a Rays and a Jays, he dropped the Orioles and rechristened his team the Baltimore Johnsons. “Get it?” Angelos excitedly asked. “The Rays, the Jays and the Johnsons. Like Ray Jay Johnson. Man that guy used to crack me up on the Redd Foxx Show. You can call me Ray, or you can call me Jay, and then he would just go on and on. You guys remember that right? Surely someone outside of the Simpsons writers room remembers that.”
The Yankees jumped on this opportunity to go back to their original nickname the Orioles. “That’s right, new stadium, new mascot,” said Hank Steinbrenner, head of the Bronx Party Chancellery. Later Steinbrenner changed his mind and decided to go in a different historical direction and changed the mascot again, this time to the Highlanders. Shortly after this decision was announced, Mayor Michael Bloomberg informed Steinbrenner that the change in the name of the stadium would cost taxpayer’s another $175 million. Steinbrenner then decided to make a different nod at history and changed the team’s name to the Yankees, which was the former name of the Highlanders four hours ago.
The Boston Red Sox got in on the act and dropped the Red. They will now just be known as the Sox. “Let’s face it,” said Boston principal owner John Henry “Most of our fan base never realized “socks” was misspelled. We just thought dropping the extra three letters would make it easier for Murph and Sully to make signs to bring to the games.”
Just moments after the press conference in Boston, one was held in Chicago where it was announced the White Sox were dropping the White, giving MLB two teams with the same nickname. “Shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” said commissioner Bud Selig. “It’s never been a problem for the CFL.”
In what some view as a rather tasteless move, The Cleveland Indians changed their name to the Steamers. When reached for comment team president Paul Dolan said “Have you ever been on You need to check it out, then you’ll get it. Do you know how many t-shirts and caps we are going to sell to 14-22-year-old men? Big time revenue baby.”
The Detroit Tigers changed their name to the Detroit Magnums. “Look, Jack Morris was nice and all, but really the best thing to happen to this franchise since Al Kaline was Magnum P.I.,” said Detroit owner Michael Ilitch. He also added that the team will now wear Hawaiian shirts. The franchise looked around the Motor City to get some other championship caliber ideas. In addition to the flowered uniforms, next season, all players will wear a clear, protective mask. They also plan to sign more Russians and six foot tall women.
In Kansas City, the Royals surprised many by retaining their nickname. However, one slight change was made. “From here on out we are the Los Angeles Royals of Kansas City,” exclaimed CEO David Glass. “See our problem for decades has been that we are a small market team, well consider that problem solved. We now play in the second largest media market in the country. Also, we’ve now got the best bar-b-q in LA.”
With all of this action and excitement, Major League Baseball expects a big postseason. “The League Championship Series both start this weekend,” Selig said. “We think a lot of fans will be glancing at those scores as they scroll by on the ticker during football games.”

We’ll Never See That Again

March 31st, 2008

Last night I got emotional while watching pro wrestling. The greatest the industry has ever seen laced up the boots one last time. Sports entertainment, nay the world, said goodbye to Ric Flair.
I will go not too far out on a limb and say that no person has provided me as much entertainment in my lifetime as Ric Flair. No musician, no actor, no writer, no athlete. The man’s career started before I was born and lasted into my third decade. And thanks to the wonder of DVDs, he will contintue to provide me with joy for years to come. All those great Saturdays and Mondays in front of TV. Those amazing nights in the Omni. Those are with me forever.
There’s no way to wrap up his career in a simple blog posts. The 20+ World Championships, headlinging damn near every major arena and stadium around the globe, leading the most dominant stable of all time, redfining the art of the interview, and on and on and on. There will never be another Ric Flair, and there shouldn’t be. Someday, people will make an argument that another performer deserves the mantle of the greatest of all time. Anyone who ever had the pleasure to see the Man will scoff at those arguments.
No more kiss stealing, whealing dealing, limosine riding, lear jet flying son of a gun. No more stylin’ and profilin’. No more walkin’ that aisle. No more riding Space Mountain. No more being the Man. No more beating the Man.

Over The Hill And Just A Bit Outside

May 31st, 2007

The Philadelphia Phillies attempt to honor the oldest matchup of left handed pitchers in Major League history had to be abruptly canceled. The Arizona Diamondbacks’ 43-year-old Randy Johnson faced off against the Phillies 44-year-old Jamie Moyer. While Johnson and the Diamondbacks won the game, many Phillies fans left with a special prize and others left disapointed. In the right field concourse of Citizens Bank Park is the always popular attraction that allows fans to have the speed of their own pitch measured by a radar gun. As a special promotion for last night’s game, any fan that threw a ball faster than Moyer was awarded a Phillies jersey. Team officials halted this in the top of the second inning after jerseys were won by an entire T-Ball team, a quadrapalegic and Jesse Orosco.

McGwire’s Silver Hammer

January 12th, 2007

A get well wish to Babraro. More importantly a thank you to Barbaro. Were it not for your bum leg, I may have never learned about the condition of laminitis. I look forward to misusing this term for fun and ridicule.
And speaking of horrific leg injuries, HHH is on the shelf again. So kids, stay away from the Stacker 2, apparently it weakens quadricep muscles. I’ll be curious to see if he uses this break to put on another 40 pounds of muscle mass.
And speaking of mysterious ways to bulk up, Barry Bonds failed a drug test last year. Much to the chagrin of self righteous sports journalists, it was not due to performance enhancing drugs. No it was from amphetamines. This is the first step by Bonds to push Giants management for a trade to the 1986 Mets (or the 1988 Flyers). This positive test was of course not the fault of the man with the colossal cranium. Seems he took a little something out of teammate Mark Sweeney’s locker. Taking something from a friend and not knowing what it is or what it will do to you is not a recipe for becoming more muscular, it’s a recipe for date rape. Then Bonds came out and denied making that accusation saying that Sweeney was both his “teammate and friend.” The sports world called bullshit. Not because they believed Bonds urine may have been clean, but because they didn’t believe he had a friend.
And speaking of baseball players who may have gained an advantage from pharmaceuticals, Mark McGwire was denied entry into the Hall Of Fame. This was because of his relationship with Jose Canseco (I am referring to his alleged steroid use, not that atrocious Bash Brothers poster). The assumption that McGwire used steroids is based totally on circumstantial evidence. Sure, he bulked up significantly during his career. But is that is the burden of proof, let’s look at the men who are to be enshrined in Cooperstown this year. Cal Ripken Jr started going bald at a young age. Hair loss is a common side effect of steroid use. Tony Gwynn has a very high pitched voice. Shrunken testicles is a common side effect of steroid use. But I must give credit to the Baseball Writers of America for not voting in Shawne Merriman. And one final note to the omnipotent baseball writers, bitch tits are a common side effect of buffet tables.

Watching People Kick A Ball Is Less Fun Than A Kick In The Balls

June 12th, 2006

I had some hardcore insomnia this morning. So bad indeed, that even hours of watching soccer couldn’t put me to sleep. I kept some notes while watching the match between the USA and I think the Czech Republic. Don’t hold me to that.
An interesting piece about how goalies are bitching about some type of new soccer balls in use for the World Cup. The hand users claim these balls make it more difficult to block goals. Because that would be a horrible move for the soccer movement, more offense.
Later, a goal is scored. Now I’m pissed that I didn’t switch over to one of the dozens of Spanish Language channels I have on my local cable package. It’s not like the commentary adds anything to my enjoyment of a soccer match anyway, I should at least have a chance to hear an announcer go into cardiac arrest.
A ball is kicked back and forth. Unlike when I was a kid, this ball does not have dots on it.
The US team is the only participating country not to have its flag on the team bus. How about just painting the bus solid green and saying you play for Libya? It’s been far too long since I made a joke about Libya’s flag. Far too long.
Stanley Cup Finals tonight baby! I guess I’m pulling for the Oilers. Can’t really see myself pulling for Hurricanes. It may seem petty, but it is so. Not quite as petty as the way a look crossly at any female I meet named Katrina. And not completely justified like the way my blood boils when I see a Corps of Engineers sign or a Red Cross donation center.
Half time. Two goals have already been scored. I need a sedative.
Poor Reese Davis. Hosting the soccer coverage. Must’ve lost the sack race at the company picnic or something. But, he has actual news. Ben Roethlisberger crashed his motrcycle and wasn’t wearing a helmet. I just heard him on the radio this morning. Weird. Sounds like he will be OK. I’m sure every columnists and talking head will use this as an opportunity to talk to children about hemlet safety. And don’t even try to count the number of times someone mentions that he wears a helmet on the field, but not on his motorcycle.
Second half. More kicking. You know if you take away the chalk markings, the field (or pitch if that’s how you get down) looks quite similar to Libya’s flag? Only a three paragraph gap between Libya flag jokes. That’s more like it. I got a magazine full of Libya flag jokes, so duck and cover motherfuckers.
When does the OU-Rice game start? Oh now, cool. Sure hope I get the UGA game tonight and not stuck with the Ole Miss-Miami game.
Well slap my ass and hit me in the head with a mop. ESPN has dominos coverage this afternoon. I’m sure it won’t be hardcore games, but it sure can’t be any more boring than televised poker.
Here is an idea to spice up World Cup coverage. Close caption the crowd chants. That has to be more entertaining than the game (oh, and translate them to English please).
Crap on a stick. I still don’t understand offsides. I have read the rules, I have had it explained to me, and I still don’t get it. Everytime it seems like I have offsides figured out, I see it, but it isn’t called. Then, like five minutes later, I see the exact same freaking thing and it is called offsides. I give up, there’s baseball on.

Dirty Thoughts

May 28th, 2005

I’m gearing up for the biggest racing weekend of the year. And after viewing several hours of footage of Danica Patrick I have to say that I would bore out her intake manifold.

Ultimately Awesome

April 10th, 2005

Congratulations to Forrest Griffin, winner of tonight’s Ultimate Fighter finale. Forrest received a three year, six figure contract from UFC. They (actually their sponsors) also tossed in a new car (which he needs), a dirt bike (which he doesn’t need) and a swank watch (which he’ll probably break or lose). He and Stephan Bonnar gave mixed martial arts fans an instant classic. They traded bone crushing punches and knees for three full rounds. This fight could have gone either way and no one who watched it would have any reason to complain. My ass never touched the couch after about the first 30 seconds of the opening round (hell, most of the time my feet weren’t touching the ground either). My hands are sore from clapping, my voice is horse from yelling, and I can’t stop smiling. This was exactly the kind of fight UFC needed on such a big showcase. Two class guys just beating the ever living hell out of each other. This could be the UFC equivalent of the first Arturo Gotti/Irish Mickey Ward boxing match. Tonight Forrest showed the world he has an abundance of heart and no shortage of character (in addition to being a character). In the coming months and years, if you see the name Forrest Griffin on the marquee for any UFC event, don’t hesitate to plunk down a few bucks to your cable or satellite provider, you won’t be disappointed. I would like to complain about Spike TV’s choice of footage for the promo packge. Nice job of getting some random bridge and a bunch of houses on Rock Springs. They made Athens look like either an industrial wasteland or Elberton. This was not the Classic City I have represented to my friends around the country. I guess we’ll just have to get by on our reputation for producing world class artists and athletes… oh and as the home of Forrest Griffin. Congrats you goofy bastard!

Spelling D-O-G

October 2nd, 2004

I am going to try to keep a running diary on today’s Georgia LSU game. We’ll see how this goes. All times are Central.
11:44 AM Someone called into the LSU pre-game show to ask one of the hosts (BillyJoe Hokideaux or something) “what do you think about today’s game?” Look jackass, these guys are gonna spend the next three hours talking about nothing other than what they think about today’s game. Could you narrow that down just a bit for us? Maybe a question about the O or D or a specific postion. Hell even a weather question.
1:32 PM During Georgia’s pre-game show there was a promo for And the announcer made sure to emphasize “that’s dog with an O.” I guess that move up to 49th in average SAT didn’t have much of an impact on the Peach State.
2:19 PM An announcer on the LSU pre-game just brought up an interesting point that I had never thought of… Sanford Stadium is built so that the field goes east/west. Therefore, when the sun is setting it’s always in one team’s eyes. He also seemed amazed that when you enter the stadium at street level you’re actually halfway up the stadium because it’s built in a natural valley.
2:36 PM A suggestion for EA Sports. I was thinking of how LSU uses a runningback-by-committee approach. However, this is quite cumbersome to use in NCAA 2005. Pause, go to in game strategy, go to depth chart, sub guy, go back to game. To have to repeat this for every substituion is a real pain and slows the game down dramaticly (not to mention may earn you an ass whippin’ if you are playing against an actual person). So next year, how about a quick sub option? A simple request from a loyal customer.
2:41 PM Did West Virginia really just run a reverse into a halfback pass? And did it really just work? I couldn’t do that on rookie level against the Fire on Madden.
2:43 PM Nice interception there by James Griffin for VPI. However, I gotta think they deserved the excessive celebration penalty. Anytime an assistant coach runs onto the field to dry hump his strong safety a team should have to go back at least 15 yards.
2:46 PM I miss Jill Arrington. But the new CBS SEC sideline reporter is a cutey.
2:47 PM The net cast of Munson is at least a play behind TV. Sorry Larry, you’re going on mute.
2:48 PM Hey, UGA didn’t convert a 3rd down against LSU. That seems familier.
2:53 PM Ray Gant technically gets the sack but man Thomas Davis is a force. Other than Antrel Rolle, he may be the best defensive player in college football. Nice to see UGA get a blitzing sack on LSU. That’s a nice change.
2:57 PM There’s that LSU blitz. Nice to see David Greene has his fleet feet on today.
2:59 PM Great audible by Greene. I think all 10 of the other guys heard him. Danny Ware makes me smile. Things I will never get sick of hearing Munson say “There goes Danny Ware.”
3:01 PM The Sanford Stadium 25 yard line logo sure does look CGIed.
3:02 PM Reggie motherfuckin’ Brown! The passing attack looked great on the first drive. That may ease off the blitzing from the Tigers. A consistent outside passing attack beyond the 10 yard out mark will make for a good day.
3:09 PM Three and out. No complaints about UGA’s D so far. Pollack closes in on Tardits. Glad he didn’t suffer the anti-French sentiment form a couple of years ago. He’s an amazing story that did not and does not get enough credit. Here comes DJ. Glad people have stopped harping about the two QB situation at UGA. It’s so much different than LSU’s. Richt’s not going with a hot hand platooning system. Nice runn there DeeJ.
3:15 PM BIG TIME pass! People spend so much time talking about DJ’s speed they forget he’s got a world class arm. Reggie Brown is stepping it up. And the O line is giving their QBs time to throw. And it’s paying off.
3:18 PM Webster is shutting Gibson down. However, your other option is trying to pick on Daniels. Not much of an option.
3:19 PM Andy Bailey staying solid from 35 yards in. That’s good, because the red zone problems haven’t been solved yet. But hey two drives, two scores. I can handle that. I have no problem not seeing Ely-Kelso any more today.
3:23 PM Holy Moses. This game isn’t shaping up how I thought. Turnovers on the right side of the 50 butter my bread. Hey, Thomas Brown, you’re not Barry Sanders. You’re driving towards Tate not the Train Tracks.
3:25 PM One quarter in, ten points up, they passing attack has had success, got some solid running yards, have shut down the Tiger O, recovered a fubmle, three drives two scores. All these are good things. Think I’ll pop open a long neck.
3:29 PM David Greene can pick up a blitz. That might come in handy today.
3:30 PM Danny Ware! Did you hear me? I said Danny Ware!
3:32 PM The drought is over. Fred Gibson went up and got that one. Will Muschamp just swallowed his tounge.
3:34 PM Did UGA just kick the ball off into the end zone? How many seasons since that happened?
3:36 PM Guess who’s back. Odell is one bad mutha… shut your mouth.
3:37 PM Well it can’t be all good. Now Georgia’s got Massive Head Wound Danny in the locker room. (“He smells my dog.”)
3:39 PM 4 & 1. Going for it. BALLS OUT! Georgia’s moving on down (moving on down) to the east side (of the stadium) to a deluxe touchdown in the endzone. Blitz don’t work on the QB, CBs don’t cover on the sides. Took a whole lot of blocking, just to get that yard. Now we’re down in the red zone, getting our turn at six. As long as we live, I’m bleeding red and black and there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with dat.
3:40 PM Another Reggie Brown TD. I’m starting to believe.
3:45 PM JaMarcus just OD(ell)ed.
3:46 PM I’m sorry Chris Jackson but this is for real, i know this song sounds gay, but you’re gonna punting all day.
3:57 PM For those UGA fans feeling cocky right now, look what happened to Army. Actually don’t, it’s Army for crying out loud.
4:00 PM Gordo with the tackle. Give him a bone.
4:04 PM Addai give LSU there first big play of the game. That was a quality run. That team relly needs to get on the board before the half.
4:07 PM Dwayne Bowe did not just throw down a punk card on Greg Blue? Tell me he didn’t? Think he may pay for that later? I just hope Blue doens’t get so preoccupied with decapitating Bowe that he gets burned.
4:15 PM Exacatly when did Sheryl Crow decide she wanted to become a redneck? Singing with Kid Rock, doing Wrangler commercials with Lil E? Ain’t that a bit much? By the way, in the state of Mississippi, you can get your official and legal state plates with either a Dale or Dale Jr tribute on them. Complete with #3 or #8 and and driver’s signature.
4:17 PM FUCK! O can’t move. Shitty punt. Give up a field goal. My step is now less springy.
4:19 PM Half time.
5:04 PM Nice muff there by ole “Toaster Hands” Tim. Let’s hope that nickname doesn’t stick.
5:07 PM UGA needed that pass. The O has been stagnent. Gibson made Greene look good there. Up your butt Webster. And there goes Ware again. This drive is starting to come together. This sounds too obvious, but the Dogs really need a score here.
5:10 PM Gibson is eating Webster’s lunch now. That’s the Fred I remember from three years ago. Big time game from Fred (and Reggie) when the Dogs really needed it.
5:12 PM They just hit the over.
5:14 PM Xavier Carter just got the bone head of the day award. He will never, and I mean NEVER, live that down. He can break every receiving record at the school and when talking about him people will still bring up that play and show that clip.
5:18 PM Good field position, let’s put this one away boys.
5:20 PM 100+ for Danny Ware against the LSU D. Take that Cadillac.
5:21 PM Hello Sean Bailey, welcome to the David Greene Touchdown party. The bar is open, and set high.
5:29 PM (llll_) That’s my attempt at a holding four fingers in the air emoticon.
5:32 PM I would like to say that I am not opposed to seeing DJ finish this game out.
5:34 PM DJ is looking nice. solid run. Scary toss to Ware, but, hey, it worked.
5:35 PM Gutsy try by Brown. Really put his body on the line there. I personally think he caught the ball. And hey Deej, nice throw buddy. Yeah the drive stalled, but I liked what I saw.
5:38 PM And a kiss my ass to my local ABC affiliate for giving me the Colorado/Mizzu game. My buddy Rob seems to think that’s more geographicly appropriate than the Miami/Ga Tech game. I seem to think Atlanta is closer to New Orleans than Columbia.
5:42 PM What’s that coming down the track? Five sacks baby! Somebody buy Van Gorder a beer.
5:45 PM Hmmm? Why is Greene back in the game?
5:46 PM I like the Brown one. He is good running back.
5:53 PM TB for the TD. Tough running by the little guy (he’s my size). and 45 on the Tigers is something nice. Nice indeed.
6:06 PM I’m sorry Chris Jackson but this is for real, you’re gonna make Derek Dooley cry, you better apologize a million times.
6:07 PM Onsides kick? Heh, what the hell?
6:11 PM 45-16. Hey, UGA can score. I don’t think there is too much to complain about today. The Dogs are back on everyone’s national championship radar. On to the post game show featuring Tony Schiavone. That still cracks me up. This win will also make life between the river and the lake a bit easier for me. A Powerball win would really cap this night off for me. Thanks for anyone who made it all the way through this.

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable