Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Watching People Kick A Ball Is Less Fun Than A Kick In The Balls | Andrew Healan

Watching People Kick A Ball Is Less Fun Than A Kick In The Balls

June 12th, 2006

I had some hardcore insomnia this morning. So bad indeed, that even hours of watching soccer couldn’t put me to sleep. I kept some notes while watching the match between the USA and I think the Czech Republic. Don’t hold me to that.
An interesting piece about how goalies are bitching about some type of new soccer balls in use for the World Cup. The hand users claim these balls make it more difficult to block goals. Because that would be a horrible move for the soccer movement, more offense.
Later, a goal is scored. Now I’m pissed that I didn’t switch over to one of the dozens of Spanish Language channels I have on my local cable package. It’s not like the commentary adds anything to my enjoyment of a soccer match anyway, I should at least have a chance to hear an announcer go into cardiac arrest.
A ball is kicked back and forth. Unlike when I was a kid, this ball does not have dots on it.
The US team is the only participating country not to have its flag on the team bus. How about just painting the bus solid green and saying you play for Libya? It’s been far too long since I made a joke about Libya’s flag. Far too long.
Stanley Cup Finals tonight baby! I guess I’m pulling for the Oilers. Can’t really see myself pulling for Hurricanes. It may seem petty, but it is so. Not quite as petty as the way a look crossly at any female I meet named Katrina. And not completely justified like the way my blood boils when I see a Corps of Engineers sign or a Red Cross donation center.
Half time. Two goals have already been scored. I need a sedative.
Poor Reese Davis. Hosting the soccer coverage. Must’ve lost the sack race at the company picnic or something. But, he has actual news. Ben Roethlisberger crashed his motrcycle and wasn’t wearing a helmet. I just heard him on the radio this morning. Weird. Sounds like he will be OK. I’m sure every columnists and talking head will use this as an opportunity to talk to children about hemlet safety. And don’t even try to count the number of times someone mentions that he wears a helmet on the field, but not on his motorcycle.
Second half. More kicking. You know if you take away the chalk markings, the field (or pitch if that’s how you get down) looks quite similar to Libya’s flag? Only a three paragraph gap between Libya flag jokes. That’s more like it. I got a magazine full of Libya flag jokes, so duck and cover motherfuckers.
When does the OU-Rice game start? Oh now, cool. Sure hope I get the UGA game tonight and not stuck with the Ole Miss-Miami game.
Well slap my ass and hit me in the head with a mop. ESPN has dominos coverage this afternoon. I’m sure it won’t be hardcore games, but it sure can’t be any more boring than televised poker.
Here is an idea to spice up World Cup coverage. Close caption the crowd chants. That has to be more entertaining than the game (oh, and translate them to English please).
Crap on a stick. I still don’t understand offsides. I have read the rules, I have had it explained to me, and I still don’t get it. Everytime it seems like I have offsides figured out, I see it, but it isn’t called. Then, like five minutes later, I see the exact same freaking thing and it is called offsides. I give up, there’s baseball on.

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable