Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

McGwire's Silver Hammer | Andrew Healan

McGwire’s Silver Hammer

January 12th, 2007

A get well wish to Babraro. More importantly a thank you to Barbaro. Were it not for your bum leg, I may have never learned about the condition of laminitis. I look forward to misusing this term for fun and ridicule.
And speaking of horrific leg injuries, HHH is on the shelf again. So kids, stay away from the Stacker 2, apparently it weakens quadricep muscles. I’ll be curious to see if he uses this break to put on another 40 pounds of muscle mass.
And speaking of mysterious ways to bulk up, Barry Bonds failed a drug test last year. Much to the chagrin of self righteous sports journalists, it was not due to performance enhancing drugs. No it was from amphetamines. This is the first step by Bonds to push Giants management for a trade to the 1986 Mets (or the 1988 Flyers). This positive test was of course not the fault of the man with the colossal cranium. Seems he took a little something out of teammate Mark Sweeney’s locker. Taking something from a friend and not knowing what it is or what it will do to you is not a recipe for becoming more muscular, it’s a recipe for date rape. Then Bonds came out and denied making that accusation saying that Sweeney was both his “teammate and friend.” The sports world called bullshit. Not because they believed Bonds urine may have been clean, but because they didn’t believe he had a friend.
And speaking of baseball players who may have gained an advantage from pharmaceuticals, Mark McGwire was denied entry into the Hall Of Fame. This was because of his relationship with Jose Canseco (I am referring to his alleged steroid use, not that atrocious Bash Brothers poster). The assumption that McGwire used steroids is based totally on circumstantial evidence. Sure, he bulked up significantly during his career. But is that is the burden of proof, let’s look at the men who are to be enshrined in Cooperstown this year. Cal Ripken Jr started going bald at a young age. Hair loss is a common side effect of steroid use. Tony Gwynn has a very high pitched voice. Shrunken testicles is a common side effect of steroid use. But I must give credit to the Baseball Writers of America for not voting in Shawne Merriman. And one final note to the omnipotent baseball writers, bitch tits are a common side effect of buffet tables.

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable