Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

A Reasonable Proposal | Andrew Healan

A Reasonable Proposal

March 26th, 2007

Athens, GA — A night out boozing in Athens brought many things to my attention. First and foremost, I am old. What is up with college kids enjoying hanging out at crowded bars? That’s so not fun. And why do college kids have less respect for personal space than anyone else on the planet Earth?
If I ever become wildly rich and famous, or from a more realistic standpoint, hit the Powerball, I have my philanthropy all figured out. I am going to hire a gang of muscled-up meatheads. Then, I will provide them with state of the art training facilities (imagine what Ivan Drago had in Rocky IV but 22 years newer). And, I will have an onsite doctor to write them prescriptions for any substance they need. I will then take this squadron out to college bars and have them bump into random kids. When the kid’s drunken bravado (coupled with the fact that his “boys” are with him) manifest itself, my finely trained team will commence to distributing unholy beatings.
This may seem unusual to some, and cruel to others, and a few may find it to be both. But, here’s the thing. Most of these kids haphazardly stumble through bars because they do not realize their actions may have consequences. College campuses are full of upper-middle class white kids who do not know the harsh effects of a brutal beatdown. If you’ve never had your ass kicked, it’s quite easy to walk around with your chest bowed out talking smack to anyone you chose. However, once you’ve had your nose moved to the back of your skull (without the benefit of anesthesia) you may think twice about stepping on some guy’s foot, or knocking his drink over, or grabbing his girlfriend’s ass. or just being a douchebag.
Once my plan is in place, college bars would be a more enjoyable place to hang out, and a large group of young adult males would realize that other people should be respected. Who doesn’t win here?
I must give Athens credit for this, the women are still amazing. Obviously in their looks, but now with HOPE, UGA has an abundance more brains floating around campus than in previous generations (this applies to both genders). I have been all over the country, and I will put the women of Athens up against any other college town. Oxford? Seen it, doesn’t match up. Austin? Been there, falling a little short. Tempe? Got some experience. May win a quantity versus quality battle, but it’s a hollow victory.
One thing college towns do get right is how they handle their women. Bring them in when they are 18-years-old. Full of promise. Young and nubile in every way imaginable. Keep them around for 4-5 years. After they have learned the ways of the world, become a bit more bitter and added a few pounds, they are kicked out of this utopia. I don’t understand why rich middle-aged men don’t spend more time hanging out in college towns. It’s like the Costco of trophy wives.

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable