Seoul, Korea — Finally found some winter weather. Can’t say that I missed subfreezing temperatures. Other country’s television never ceases to amaze me. Congratulations Korea, you have taken the crowd. I peeked up from my beer and caught a glimpse of the TV above the bar. There was no double take, no spit take, just a disbelieving stare. I was watching full contact intergender children’s karate. Can’t even tag that one.
Crossing borders is seldom fun. I arrived in Laos with bus loads of others. The lines weren’t queuing well either. Then, right before I was to pass out of Thailand, the lady working the visa window decided to take her lunch break. This did not involve going to a restaurant, or even a break room. She just shut the window and took out her food. Meanwhile, all the foreigners had to stand in the mid-day sun staring at her through a window.
I scored a pretty neat guest house in Vientiane. It was a block away from the Mekong. My room had a balcony that looked down into a Wat. I quickly gathered this room was desirable. Several times a day someone would accost me in the lobby asking if I was the guy in room 6 and then inquire as to when I was checking out. These people would become rather incredulous when I would tell them “I don’t know. Not planning that far ahead. Check back tomorrow morning.”
In Laos I am a millionaire many times over. Going to the ATM brings the joy of looking at the remaining balance and imagining it is dollars. I start having fantasies of calling up George Steinbrenner and telling him “Hey Boss. I’ll pay Alex Rodriguez’s salary this season. And you know what, go ahead and sign Santana. I’ll pick up the tab on that too.”
In my desperation for English language entertainment I have watched Face/Off and Good Burger. Let us never speak of this again.
After arriving in Laos, I had to get from the border into the city. That 24km trip was taken with five others (and our luggage) in a tuk-tuk. That trip did more damage to my lungs than a dozen years of smoking.
Bars here aren’t into mix tapes or the shuffle function. I listened to Aretha Franklin’s Greatest Hits. All of them. Consecutively. A couple of nights ago I was in a bar that played The Raw And The Uncooked by Fine Young Cannibals in it’s entirety. Not just the two dingles, the whole goddamned album. There are two question here: (1) Why did they do this, and (2) Why did I sit there and listen to the whole thing?
There is a monument in Vientiane named Patuxai and it’s kind of a low rent Arc de Triomphe. It was built with concrete donated by the US to build a runway. It was also never finished. All in all, I’d say it’s a grand testament to the ethics and efficiency of the Laos government.
I met a bloke from Manchester. He went by the nickname of Manchester. I dug that. Your hometown always makes a good nickname. Back when I lived in 35 Reed Hall (AKA The Boar’s Nest), me and Pierce had a nickname for pretty much every resident. In general it’s easier to assign someone a pseudonym than remember their given name Now, they weren’t really nicknames you would call people to their face. There was dipshit, douchebag, no neck, rabbit fucker and oh so many more. This just saved time in conversations. It was time consuming and cumbersome to say “Today I was talking to that guy that lives on the second floor. The one with the blonde curly hair. He drives the Ford Taurus. The one we saw pissing in the lobby last Saturday.” It was more efficient to say “I was talking to dipstick today.” Of course, had we know the kid’s name was Josh we could have saved even more time. But dipstick worked just fine.
A guest house I stayed in had a sign posted apologizing for the staff’s poor English. It should be noted I have never seen one of those signs in Los Angeles.
My Thai still sucks a bag of dicks. But my nonverbal communication skills are off the charts. Let’s put it this way, you don’t want to invite me to your next charades party, because I will dominate. Actually, you don’t want to invite me to your charades party because I won’t come. Also, if you are hosting charades parties please don’t reproduce. Actually, if you are having charades parties, kill yourself. Better yet, have the charades party, wait for all of the people who think it’s a good idea to come to a charades party to show up, and then blow up your house. Sure, there will be setbacks in the sale of sweater vests and hand decorated holiday sweatshirts, but the economy will recover. I’ve crunched the numbers, they add up. And if you could have this party during the Chic-fil-A Bowl, even better. We lose the charades people, Auburn fans, Clemson fans and a bunch of bible beating poultry pushers. Santa, I hope you’re reading.
Here’s a fun game for your next casino trip. Get a bucket full of change and head over to the nickel slot machine. Every time you drop some currency in, yell “coin voyage!” See how long it takes for security to throw you out.
I love my bag, I really do. But having to haul that thing around everyday is like being on a vacation with a crippled midget.

Koh Samui, Thailand — Today is election day in Thailand. Wouldn’t think that would effect a farang like myself would ya? Wrong! On election day, the entire nation goes dry. My last day in this country and I can’t have a drink. On the plus side, while the polls are open the subway is free. That’s a cruel twist of the knife. The one day public transportation doesn’t cost anything, meaning you can get loaded and get home safely for free, is the one day you can’t even smell a beer.
Thais are a very neat people. They even regularly sweep the sidewalk outside of their businesses. It’s a Bush administration approach to cleanliness. They fight the dirt on the sidewalk so they don’t have to fight it in their shop. I almost never see litter. I also don’t see many rubbish bins (rubbish bins? Where the hell did that come from? No more hanging out with Brits for me). Either Thais don’t produce garbage as they are out walking around or they just carry it with them. However, the one area this next to godliness doesn’t apply is waterways. Every river, pond, lake, canal and moat I’ve seen has been filthy. Not just dirty water, but polluted and littered up. Maybe I discovered what Thais do with that garbage they carry around. Just hold onto it until they find some water.
As I was leaving Chiang Mai a woman ran up to the train and handed to porter two postcards. She told him to give them to me. Due to the language barrier I was unable to decipher why this took place. Was it mistaken identity? Did she think I had purchased the postcards and left them behind? Was she just being friendly? Was she flirting with me? If so, why wait until I am literally rolling out of town? And wooing me with postcards? I don’t necessarily require diamonds and furs, but you better be bringing a little more than two pieces of cardboard to the table.
I am cautious about where and with whom I get drunk. I would hate to commit some faux pas and have the incident escalate because of inebriation and a language barrier. Or worse, some other round eye does something offensive and I get lumped in with him. A good rule is if a maylay breaks out, you don’t want to not look like the rest of the group.
City Of New Orleans is the greatest train song ever recorded. And that’s saying a lot. Hell, it’s one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Period. Everyone go to itunes and buy some Arlo Guthrie. Also, I Want It That Way may be the most perfect pop song not written by Paul McCartney.
Sometimes when I tell people my name, they hear Angel. It’s usually not worth the effort to correct them, so I just let it go. And I always get compliment on my name (that’s not my name). Just a note for all of you prospective parents out there.
Another travel tip. Bring a planet killer (aka plastic shopping bag) on the plane or train with you. Tie it to the seat back. Now you have extra storage space or a place for you refuse.
There is a magazine that covers all of the celebrity goings ons. It’s named Gossip. Spot on again Thailand.
I walked past a bulletin board among a strip of fast food joints. Hanging on it was a picture of a young man in his work uniform and a bunch of Thai script. I have no idea what is going on with this kid. I have, however, narrowed it to three choices. (1) He’s missing. (2) He’s a wanted criminal. (3) He’s employee of the month. Then I decided to combine all three into one blockbuster story. After being named employee of the month at KFC, this young man went out to celebrate, things got carried away, he stabbed a man and is now on the run from the law. I’m adapting this into a screenplay. I don’t have a title yet, but I do have a tagline — He used to sell chicken, now he’s on the lamb.
I like how some Asian cities are laid out like grocery stores. Each street has a specialty just like the aisles in the market. There is a street for clothes, a street for electronics, a street for food, etc.
I’m over Buddhism. I don’t get Wats. They are as ostentatious as they are ornate (guess who just got to the O section in his thesaurus). I see poverty all around them, and there is this palace. The inside is covered in gold and just outside the gates, a homeless child begs for change. This is what community money, time and resources are going to? So, get off your Eastern religion is superior kick hippies.

Kho Tao, Thailand — For the past few days I’ve been stuck on an island with no alcohol and no NFL. No beer and no football make Andrew go crazy. I’m about to write a screenplay called The Shining Beach.
Some bars here advertise happy times. This is like happy hour but without the awkwardness of time classification when the 61st minute comes around. I would like to propose that bars keep happy hour but add other hours. There could be jubilant hour, festive hour and ecstatic hour.
To promote Muay Thai fights, they have trucks that drive around with billboards and a loudspeaker built into them. I heard one today, that if I didn’t know better (and I don’t) I would have thought the guy was doing a spot on parody of one of the Ree brothers from Better Off Dead. Maybe he was. I haven’t looked at the box office figures, but perhaps Savage Steve Holland is huge in Thailand.
I rolled the dice on the malaria medication. Because rafting down the Mekong without Maleran doesn’t seem like a huge risk after having unprotected sex with a Bourbon Street stripper.
I was sitting on the balcony of my guest house sipping a fine local brew and listening the the music pouring out of the bar across the street. The house cover band was on stage and their lead singer has a very thick Thai accent. The band was playing Sweet Home Alabama. I have encountered many cultures and religions. I’m not sure which god I appeased, but I’m glad I did.
Is it wrong that when I go out to eat my tip will be affected by how well my server speaks English? I look at it this way. This person took the time and effort to learn another language and should be rewarded. Of course, I only reward people that took the time and effort to learn my language. The server could speak fluent German and I wouldn’t give a flip.
Fruit and pancakes go together like shama lama lama shoop do doop to doop. Or something like that.
An English bartender served me a beer. He had some difficulty counting my change back. He apologized by saying “I’m not too good with numbers.” I responded with “No worries. The world needs poets to write the words that get the accountants laid.” He asked me who said that, and I told him I did. He asked me who said it originally. And I told him me just right now. He asked me if I had just made that up on the spot. I confirmed that I had. He then said “you’re a clever chap.” I grinned. Old British guys are the second best people in the world to receive compliments from behind only old black ladies.
Iran has banned rap music because of the offensive lyrics. The article I read didn’t specify, but I hope the Iranian government consulted KRS1 to be sure they were banning rap and not hip-hop. To the best of my knowledge, he is still the go to expert on this matter.
I like the wai. No awkward hand shakes here. I never have to worry if it was a handshake or hug moment. No grim is too firm, no grip is too loose, because there is no grip. It has all of the advantages of dap, but with zero physical contact.
I love one way streets. My chances of dying are reduced by 50 %.
I thought about buying a compilation of Shakespeare plays to bring on my last train ride. There is no inride entertainment. So I figured we could just assign parts to everyone in the car and act out the play. In the spirit of objectivity, I will let the pullman porter handle the casting and let the conductor direct.
This is an idea I have floated to many people before (pun intended, you’ll see). I want to buy a cruise ship. Once the boat gets seven miles off shore and hits international waters the fun begins. It’s now a floating casino, sports book, bar, brothel and buffet (let’s face it, after all of that debauchery, you’re gonna need at least a snack). Who wouldn’t want to play blackjack while sipping Absinthe and getting a blowjob from a prostitute? It should be noted that I’ve never studied maritime law.
There was a huge celebration for the King’s birthday. I know because it took place early in the morning right outside my window. There was a young girl singing a terrible pop song. Just here way of saying ” Happy Birthday King! I hope you like crap!”
The pharmacist that helped me last night was named Pimporn. My inner Beavis suffered a seizure.

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia — Thanks Todd Barry for making it impossible to say the name of this country without then thinking the title of this blog.
Here’s everything you need to do in Malaysia. Take a trip to the bridge of Petronas Towers. That’s it. Skip the rest of the country. The towers are actually quite beautiful at night when illuminated. And still pretty attractive even during the day light hours. Also this is a rather popular attraction. We showed up before noon and got tickets for a 5:45 PM tour. It’s pretty amazing how much and how far you can see, and that’s only half way up. Got to make some friends in the Malaysian oil industry so I can get a peek from the top.
When you head out shopping and your list consist of index cards, magic marker, a-shirt, socks and toothpaste, you really miss Target.
Memo to all broadcasters: don’t report from a bus stop. A bus will pull up and then pull away. While this is happening, nothing you say will be heard.
The crosswalks in many cities make a noise when it is time to cross. This little tune moves at a frantic rate, which then causes you to move your ass. It’s like driving with chase music being played. It works well and should be spread to other areas of life. Off the top of my head I’m saying airport security.
The biggest problem I’ve had with people driving on the left side is when I cross the streets. I have decades of safety instructions and instincts to violate. I look left, then right, then left again. Unfortunately this is bassackwards and most likely will lead to my untimely demise and a crappy obituary.
This part of the world has way too much golf coverage for December.
A British woman asked me if all Americans love Die Hard. I told her “fuck yeah!” Then I blew some shit up and hit her in the head with a 2×4. USA! USA! USA!
Thailand has a nice flag. It’s basic but effective. It has a good color scheme. Also, no words or pictures. Words and pictures will always screw up a flag. That’s why, of course, my favorite flag is Libya. BAM! That’s right folks, AndrewHealan.com your online headquarters for Libyan flag jokes since 2002.
I went into a bookstore that only sold books printed in Thai. After wandering around for a few minutes, I wondered if this is what it’s like to be illiterate. I could stare at those words for hours and not make hide nor hair out of them. I couldn’t even tell you if the words were backwards or upside down. It was both frustrating and humbling.

Singapore — If you book a one way international flight on less than 24 hours notice, expect to have a bad day at the airport. Also, if you’re making that trip between Thailand and Singapore, be aware that they do not take kindly to narcotics (we’re talking canings and death penalties). Basically that treat drug offenders the way the Commonwealth of Virginia treats speeders. So, if that’s your itinerary, try not to spend a few hours the afternoon before swimming in a heavily chlorinated pool.
I am going to open a bar named Depressed Poets. I’ll buy a second home just on merch sales.
I was talking to a bar owner in Chiang Mai that let me in on some knowledge about the domestically brewed Chang beer, which I have named Blackout Brew. It ain’t made with tender loving care. One batch may be 6% alcohol, the next batch 14% alcohol. That explains so much. Like my irregular tolerance and the hours of 11:00 PM – 4:00 AM last night.
I saw this Thai pop band. They had rotating singers, three as best I could count. Each song, a different singer would take lead, but always with a new costume. Sometimes there were backup dancers. The choreography was very low rent. I’m quite sure Twyla Tharp did not get a consulting fee off this gig.
I am angered by people aggressively hawking items outside of Wats and shrines. They are by far the most aggressive street vendors I have encountered. It’s an attitude of “if you don’t buy this necklace, or incense or bird, then your god won’t love you.” Where is a smoting vengeful god when you need one?
When wandering around lost in an unfamiliar place it’s easy to passively stalk women. It’s not creepy. It’s just, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I am going, she’s hot, I’ll just follow her for a while.
Not all historic buildings need to be preserved. Sometimes, long ago, people built crappy structures. Take some pictures and bring in a bulldozer.
Surely I can’t be the first person to think t-shirts reading NY Hates You would be a good idea.
Parents tend to give fecal matter and deification cutesy names. This is bad enough, but for some reason, those names stick with people for the rest of their lives and it is as annoying as it is disturbing. I have to restrain myself
when I hear adults tell me they have to make a stink stink or do a shooey. There’s a handful of grown up words that we have silently agreed are acceptable. Use them.
The other day I was shopping at an office supply store. This place also carried boxing equipment. Gloves, trunks, everything you would need. I have a great fondness for stores that stock outside of their specialty. It leads to great conversations. “You need a jump rope? I’ll tell you where you should go. Down to the bookstore. Awesome jump rope department. Good prices and great selection. And while you’re there, you can pick up a book about jump roping. Don’t be surprised if you run into my plumber Earl. He keeps an office there. For his tattoo parlor. Which is funny right? My plumber keeping an office for his tattoo parlor in a bookstore. Because he can’t even read. I mean he does good work, as a plumber and a tattooist. But, stick with pictures, don’t want Earl putting any words on ya.”