Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

That's Not A Stubby Holder It's A Coozy | Andrew Healan

That’s Not A Stubby Holder It’s A Coozy

December 22nd, 2007

Koh Samui, Thailand — Today is election day in Thailand. Wouldn’t think that would effect a farang like myself would ya? Wrong! On election day, the entire nation goes dry. My last day in this country and I can’t have a drink. On the plus side, while the polls are open the subway is free. That’s a cruel twist of the knife. The one day public transportation doesn’t cost anything, meaning you can get loaded and get home safely for free, is the one day you can’t even smell a beer.
Thais are a very neat people. They even regularly sweep the sidewalk outside of their businesses. It’s a Bush administration approach to cleanliness. They fight the dirt on the sidewalk so they don’t have to fight it in their shop. I almost never see litter. I also don’t see many rubbish bins (rubbish bins? Where the hell did that come from? No more hanging out with Brits for me). Either Thais don’t produce garbage as they are out walking around or they just carry it with them. However, the one area this next to godliness doesn’t apply is waterways. Every river, pond, lake, canal and moat I’ve seen has been filthy. Not just dirty water, but polluted and littered up. Maybe I discovered what Thais do with that garbage they carry around. Just hold onto it until they find some water.
As I was leaving Chiang Mai a woman ran up to the train and handed to porter two postcards. She told him to give them to me. Due to the language barrier I was unable to decipher why this took place. Was it mistaken identity? Did she think I had purchased the postcards and left them behind? Was she just being friendly? Was she flirting with me? If so, why wait until I am literally rolling out of town? And wooing me with postcards? I don’t necessarily require diamonds and furs, but you better be bringing a little more than two pieces of cardboard to the table.
I am cautious about where and with whom I get drunk. I would hate to commit some faux pas and have the incident escalate because of inebriation and a language barrier. Or worse, some other round eye does something offensive and I get lumped in with him. A good rule is if a maylay breaks out, you don’t want to not look like the rest of the group.
City Of New Orleans is the greatest train song ever recorded. And that’s saying a lot. Hell, it’s one of the greatest songs ever recorded. Period. Everyone go to itunes and buy some Arlo Guthrie. Also, I Want It That Way may be the most perfect pop song not written by Paul McCartney.
Sometimes when I tell people my name, they hear Angel. It’s usually not worth the effort to correct them, so I just let it go. And I always get compliment on my name (that’s not my name). Just a note for all of you prospective parents out there.
Another travel tip. Bring a planet killer (aka plastic shopping bag) on the plane or train with you. Tie it to the seat back. Now you have extra storage space or a place for you refuse.
There is a magazine that covers all of the celebrity goings ons. It’s named Gossip. Spot on again Thailand.
I walked past a bulletin board among a strip of fast food joints. Hanging on it was a picture of a young man in his work uniform and a bunch of Thai script. I have no idea what is going on with this kid. I have, however, narrowed it to three choices. (1) He’s missing. (2) He’s a wanted criminal. (3) He’s employee of the month. Then I decided to combine all three into one blockbuster story. After being named employee of the month at KFC, this young man went out to celebrate, things got carried away, he stabbed a man and is now on the run from the law. I’m adapting this into a screenplay. I don’t have a title yet, but I do have a tagline — He used to sell chicken, now he’s on the lamb.
I like how some Asian cities are laid out like grocery stores. Each street has a specialty just like the aisles in the market. There is a street for clothes, a street for electronics, a street for food, etc.
I’m over Buddhism. I don’t get Wats. They are as ostentatious as they are ornate (guess who just got to the O section in his thesaurus). I see poverty all around them, and there is this palace. The inside is covered in gold and just outside the gates, a homeless child begs for change. This is what community money, time and resources are going to? So, get off your Eastern religion is superior kick hippies.

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable