Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Just Because My Belongings Are In A Backpack Does Not Mean I Am A Backpacker | Andrew Healan

Just Because My Belongings Are In A Backpack Does Not Mean I Am A Backpacker

December 10th, 2007

Singapore — If you book a one way international flight on less than 24 hours notice, expect to have a bad day at the airport. Also, if you’re making that trip between Thailand and Singapore, be aware that they do not take kindly to narcotics (we’re talking canings and death penalties). Basically that treat drug offenders the way the Commonwealth of Virginia treats speeders. So, if that’s your itinerary, try not to spend a few hours the afternoon before swimming in a heavily chlorinated pool.
I am going to open a bar named Depressed Poets. I’ll buy a second home just on merch sales.
I was talking to a bar owner in Chiang Mai that let me in on some knowledge about the domestically brewed Chang beer, which I have named Blackout Brew. It ain’t made with tender loving care. One batch may be 6% alcohol, the next batch 14% alcohol. That explains so much. Like my irregular tolerance and the hours of 11:00 PM – 4:00 AM last night.
I saw this Thai pop band. They had rotating singers, three as best I could count. Each song, a different singer would take lead, but always with a new costume. Sometimes there were backup dancers. The choreography was very low rent. I’m quite sure Twyla Tharp did not get a consulting fee off this gig.
I am angered by people aggressively hawking items outside of Wats and shrines. They are by far the most aggressive street vendors I have encountered. It’s an attitude of “if you don’t buy this necklace, or incense or bird, then your god won’t love you.” Where is a smoting vengeful god when you need one?
When wandering around lost in an unfamiliar place it’s easy to passively stalk women. It’s not creepy. It’s just, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I am going, she’s hot, I’ll just follow her for a while.
Not all historic buildings need to be preserved. Sometimes, long ago, people built crappy structures. Take some pictures and bring in a bulldozer.
Surely I can’t be the first person to think t-shirts reading NY Hates You would be a good idea.
Parents tend to give fecal matter and deification cutesy names. This is bad enough, but for some reason, those names stick with people for the rest of their lives and it is as annoying as it is disturbing. I have to restrain myself
when I hear adults tell me they have to make a stink stink or do a shooey. There’s a handful of grown up words that we have silently agreed are acceptable. Use them.
The other day I was shopping at an office supply store. This place also carried boxing equipment. Gloves, trunks, everything you would need. I have a great fondness for stores that stock outside of their specialty. It leads to great conversations. “You need a jump rope? I’ll tell you where you should go. Down to the bookstore. Awesome jump rope department. Good prices and great selection. And while you’re there, you can pick up a book about jump roping. Don’t be surprised if you run into my plumber Earl. He keeps an office there. For his tattoo parlor. Which is funny right? My plumber keeping an office for his tattoo parlor in a bookstore. Because he can’t even read. I mean he does good work, as a plumber and a tattooist. But, stick with pictures, don’t want Earl putting any words on ya.”

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable