Despite their best efforts, the government can’t stop you, the banks can’t stop you, your wife and/or girlfriend can’t stop you. You’re playing the games, and here are this weeks useful tools.
DISCLAIMER: I’m writing this sober for a change.
TOP PLAY
Miami (-12 1/2) over BC
It’s not quite the Catholics versus Convicts series we all loved so much, but it’ll do. While Coker’s boys will be only the second most destructive Hurricane this week, they easily cover a couple of TDs against the school with all the Catherines, Katies, and Kates. No scares this year.
WORTH CONSIDERING
Wake Forest (-19) over ECU
The Decons might not be Top 25 material afterall, but the Pirates are struggling to be one of the Top 5 schools in North Carolina. Better parties? That goes to ECU. Hotter chicks? once again, ECU. the 19 points though go to Wake.
Florida (-3 1/2) over Tennessee
No game in America furthers my postulate that there’s no tasteful way to wear orange more than this one. The biggest question after this game will be if someone has been clever enough to secure phirephil.com?
Purdue (-25) over Arizona
I’m definately not gonna back Mac. The 25 points is easy taking, but I have to wonder how many of Purdue’s touchdowns won’t make the highlight reel do to time constraints.
NC St (-6 1/2) over Texas Tech
Put the over/under on combined passing yards somewhere around 850. Don’t let the two losses fool you, The Pack are still one of the nation’s elite teams.
Michigan (-7 1/2) over Oregon
Chris and his Perry band of Wolverines are gonna hush the rowdies on the field where Pinto popped his cherry.
Cincinnati (-14) over Temple
Don’t be misled by the performance in Happy Valley, the Owls ain’t that good (and neither is Penn St). My boy Gino takes another step towards a profitable pro career.
Pittsburg (-10) over Toledo
Walt Harris might be a spineless duush, but he’s still a helluva coach. Panthers take the early psychological advantage when Rutherford kicks out the windows of the Rocket’s team bus.
TCU (-12) over Vanderbilt
I’ve still got the Frogs pegged as my BCS buster and I’ve still got Vandy pegged as a SEC school running a Southern Conference offense.
UNDERDOG OF THE WEEK
North Texas (+21 1/2) over Arkansas
The Mean Green are gonna come screaming into the state with the highest per capita millionaires and ain’t gonna leave until they lose by less than three touchdowns. The Hogs win, but the Sun Belt champs-to-be hang around.
Best of luck, and have a Miller Lite or a Crown and Coke tonight, it’s September 19.

Last week was a roller coaster. Kicked off Thursday with a big win from Northern Illinois, but saw many of those earned fortunes float away Monday night when TCU didn’t TCB. But like a quarterback that threw an interception, I’m gonna have a short memory and just get back in the game and sling it.
DISCLAIMER: andrewhealan.com not responsible for financial and emotional trauma suffered by readers.
TOP PLAY
N.C. State (-7 1/2) over Wake Forest
Phillip Rivers + T.A. McLendon + Jerricho Crotchery + Chuck Amato = a bad day for the Demon Deacons (which makes about as much sense as having the Straight Priests as a mascot). Filtered butts won’t be the only thing smoking in Winston-Salem Saturday as the Pack scorch the score board.
OTHERS TO CONSIDER
Michigan (-27 1/2) over Houston
There is no truth to the rumors that the Yankees will make John Navarre a September call up. The Wolverines will struggle against strong defenses this season, but that won’t be an issue tomorrow. Art Briles will turn things around in Houston, but not this year. Look for Navarre to step full force into the Heisman race along with teammate Chris Perry. Also, Braylon Edwards will try to prove he is worthy of wearing the #1 jersey. And to Houston, a big FUCK YOU for running an offence that allowed Andre Ware to win a Heisman, become a known commodity, and get an analyst job.
Syracuse (-2) over North Carolina
The Orangemen aren’t ready to re-enter the upper echelon of the Big East version 1.0, but they will get back over the .500 hump this year. And yeah, there probobly is a little bitterness knowing that the Tar Heels played a big role in keeping them out of the new and improved ACC (also no truth to the rumors that John Swofford is looking to add teams from Nova Scotia, Brazil and Britain to the ACC). UNC was winless at home last year, and that ain’t looking to change any time soon. When you circle Georgia Tech and Duke as swing games on your schedule, that means your waiting for basketball season (women’s basketball season).
Colorado (-3) over UCLA
It’s the other two schools that wish they had never heard of Skippy Neuweasal (remember all those INTs in a rainy Sanford Stadium?). The Buffs can still run, and run they will. With the NFL continuing to avoid La-La Land, at least the Bruins can still be the second best team in town.
West Virginia (-9 1/2) over ECU
The Moutin’Deers can’t let me down two weeks in a row. They’ve got an offense and it will come alive. Although they ain’t gonna run over the Pirates like my boy Gino Guidugli did.
Oklahoma State (-20) over Wyoming
Les Miles could be ready to push John Smith aside as the best coach in Stillwater. After a crushing loss in Licoln, look for the Pokes to take it out on an abismal Wyoming team. Get used to hearing this phrase “Josh Fields drops back, he’s got Rashaun Woods, Touchdwon!”
Minnesota (-24 1/2) over Troy State
The Trojans will be about as effective at killing Gophers as Carl Spackler. Glen Mason continues his march through the lower 10% of Division I-A.
UConn (-16) over Army
The Huskies continue one of the nation’s longest winning streaks. Army continues to well… be Army. UConn has another week to love the life of a winner before the Big East and ACC teams come on the schedule.
Marshall (+19) over Tennessee
Vols win. Marshal covers. Fulmer eats.
UPSET OF THE WEEK
Florida (+ 14 1/2) over Miami, FL
This one will be a classic. Not sure if Zook’s Zealots can pull this one out, but they can damn sure hang around.
THE HOME FRONT
UGA 48 MTSU 7
This one gets ugly early. The stars shine, the nation takes notice, the Dogs cruise. Easy cover.
Another week down in the moneyest makingest month of the year. Invest wisely.

The time has come to reap the benefits, to sow the oats, to troll the bass, to cull the hogs. Yes indeed there are football games being played with lines involved.
First and foremost, a big up to Northern Illinois for getting my season started off right. If those guys can win me as much this year as they did last year, I’ll buy Michael Turner a lead blocker.
If somehow, someway, you have been able to overcome the retched economy and can fork over some spare change, I would recommend the following investments:
DISCLAIMER — all lines current as of last time I checked them.
TOP PLAY
TCU (-6 1/2) over Tulane
Apparently the Greenwave have decided to keep playing football (just not against UGA). TCU is 7-3 in their last ten road openers and are also my pick to be this year’s BCS buster.
Virginia (-16) over Duke
If you look at most trends, this seems like a bad play. However, Al Groh has come into his own as a coach for gaming purposes. After going 4-4 against the spread in ACC games his first year, the Wahoos improved to 6-2 against the spread vs conference opponents last season. Duke is the most improved team in the ACC, however, they will still be fighting for eighth place (look out Yellow Jackets). Matt Schaub keeps his name on the Heisman radar and the Cavs win by at least two TDs (+PATs) and a field goal.
Missouri (-3 1/2) over Illinois
Brad Smith will be this year’s Sennaca Wallace (a versatile Big XII QB who dazzles the public in September but then gets planted into the ground like a lawn dart at your little brother’s feet in October). This is Smith’s time to shine (with Mizzu being 6-3-1 against the spread versus the Big 10 over the last 13 years), especially against an Illini team that is a mere 2-6 against the spread when playing Missouri since Jimmy Carter was in office.
Minnesota (-31) over Tulsa
Too bad they couldn’t get Kent to show up for a All Golden Mascot fest. The Golden Hurricanes have quite a bit to prove in this game — namely that they are one of the top 115 Division I-A teams (look out Buffalo and a directional Louisiana). But the boys from the state the lets Kirby Puckett rape drunk girls have a bit to prove themselves. They want to keep Glen Mason (winningest UM coach since the Japanese attacked Pearl Harbor) around for a potential run at the Gaylord (huh-huh, huh-huh) Music City Bowl. And they have some statistical backing. The Golden Gophers are 5-2 against the spread when they are three TD favorites since 1993 (they were 21 point favorites seven times in the past ten years?), and are a rousing 6-2 against the spread in their last eight home openers. The Golden Hurricanes (who have yet to provide a major conference with a winning football coach) are a paltry 3-11-1 against the spread in their last 15 games on turf. But, as Lonnie Smith will tell you, the HHH Metrodome turf will cause an athlete to run in wacky ways. Most of those ways will be seen Saturday night on highlight reels of Asad Abdul-Khaliq making Tulsa defenders look silly.
UConn (-5 1/2) over Indiana
A few years ago the Huskies moved up to I-A and folks started making jokes (no Rebecca Lobo does not have any eligibility left and she cannot start at tight end), but they have quietly become a gambling goldmine. The boys from the Nutmeg State have been an astounding 19-9 against the spread versus their I-A opponents. This will be UConn’s first game in Rentschler Stadium (which is not only revitalizing their football program, but East Hartford as well). The team who’s QB became a decent receiver for the Steelers (no, the other one) are 0-3 against the spread in their last three home openers. And this weekend, the Hoosiers have the privilege of becoming UConn’s first Big 10 (11?) opponent and victim.
Texas A&M (-29) over Arkansas St.
Coach Fran becomes the best thing to come after RC since Moonpie. Don’t buy it? Look at some of Alabama’s dominating performances last year (beat Tennessee by 20, beat LSU by 31). Granted that was his second year, but granted this is Arkansas St, and granted the Aggies are 51-3-1 versus non-conference opponents since a year before Nirvana’s Nevermind hit the stores. Dennis wants to prove to all the Aggie faithful (that seldom talked about 13th Man) that he is worth the money. And Reggie McNeil wants to walk into the Dixie Chicken or The Tap on Saturday night and have his pick of the litter. With motivations like that, gig the 29.
Texas (-29) over New Mexico St
The Longhorns get Cowboy like attention on a Sunday (except from those pinko-commy-bastard that chose to spend Labor Day at South Padre or Corpus Christi). Plus, UT-Austin has so many other factors going for them. Any O-line run by Mac McWhorter (McWhorter Hall! McWhorter Hall!) is gonna be a force to reckon with. And since I’m on the UGA references, always smile at a team with a Williams at WR, be he Roy, Reggie, Mike, Will, Sam or Buck.
Cincinnati (-8) over ECU
This is as good a time as any to announce to the public that I have accepted the position of President of the Gino Guidugli for Heisman committee. Forget Roethlisberger, Holcomb and Kitna, this is the Ohio QB to watch.
UCF (+20) vs Virginia Tech
The boys play Beamerball and take care of business but don’t cover against the eventual MAC East runner-ups (OK, don’t totally forget about Roethlisberger).
SUCKER BET OF THE WEEK
Penn St (-25) over Temple
The Nittany Lions are a pathetic 5-9 against the spread in their last 14 openers. JoePa celebrates a win (but not a cover) with a bowl of Wheaties and Medamusal.
UPSET OF THE WEEK
West Virginia (+3) over Wisconsin
Over the past couple of weeks it has become trendy to pick the Badgers to win the Big 10 and contend for the Sears Trophy. It has also become trendy for female pop stars in their early 20’s to make out with Madonna… but… where was I? Oh year, The UW-Madison-West Va game. Rasheed Marshall and Quincy Wilson are gonna get pundits talking about them as they pull off the upset in Morgantown. Also, people will start to realize that Rich Rodriguez made Tommy Bowden’s career (well, aside from nepotism).
Clemson 41 UGA 37
Shoot out in Death Valley. This will go down to the final minuets, and an inability by the Dogs to score in the red zone will cause David Greene to lose his first road game, thus causing Mark Richt to seek out his secondary for something to “ease the pain”
Happy Wagering

When you spend as much of your life watching televised sports as I do, you’re always coming up with ways to make them more entertaining (particularly those late-night west coast games that I watch because, well… they’re on). One of my more recent ideas, that I came up with during the Triple Crown, is the need for more sportscasters on horseback. I have also become an advocate of sideline reporters wearing the safety gear of the sport they are covering (batting helmet in baseball, mouthguard in boxing, etc.). Although Jill Arrington in a helmet and shoulder pads would damage CBS’s ratings. But my new passion is to bring one of the more endearing aspects of professional wrestling to broadcasts sports — the heel/face announcers. Instead of the unbiased, down-the-middle, credible journalism we’ve grown accustomed to, just put two unabashed (but polar oppisite) homers in the booth. Imagine a big burely man from Chicago, who thinks the Bears can do no wrong and will go 16-0 every year, calling the game with a factory worker from Green Bay, covinced that the Packers will be posesed by the spirit of Vince Lomabardi and win 12 straight Super Bowls. Just the back-and-forth, the arguements, the insults. That, my gentle readers, would make for compelling television.