Next time you are over at a buddy’s place wait until he goes to the bathroom, then grab the remote and set him a TiVo season pass for “paid programming.”
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
Recommended Viewing
If you needed reasons to buy the Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law season 1 DVDs I have a few:
(1) It is a really good show.
(2) Commentaries that inform you about ditties such as where the bear came from.
(3) Auditions for the voice of Harvey by Stephen Colbert and Todd Barry.
(4) Over the main title menue is the song “Birdman Kicked My Ass” by the late Wesley Willis.
Catholicism Doesn’t Work
I experienced one of the most disturbing moments of my life a short while ago. At 9:08 AM (CST) on Mothers’ Day (where does that apostrophe go by the way?) a woman stood atop a bar. She then raised her bottled beer aloft and asked for all the mothers in the establishment to hoist their drinks in salute. Sadly, quiet a few women obliged. Then, they had a toast. I wish I had a video of this moment to show at all future pro-life rallies.
More Motivation…
Any time I can find a reason to encourage me to go to the gym I try to take it. My latest is ipod peeking. I walk up to a machine and pretend to be looking at how much time is left. Actually, what I am doing is peeking at the current tune being played on their mp3 device. It provides me with yet another way to judge and ridicule my fellow humans. Can there ever be enough of those?
Anger Revisited
Thanks to the wonders of search engines, I will carefully word this post. Yesterday a guy plead guilty to some heinous crimes. He got off far too lightly. Buy me a beer and I will expound upon this for hours.
Finding A Needle In A Parking Lot
Nothing to spice up an afternoon trip to the market like hopping out of your car and almost stepping on a hypo. Because unlike almost stepping on a rusty nail, my thoughts were not on how long it has been since my last tetanus shot.
Ultimately Awesome
Congratulations to Forrest Griffin, winner of tonight’s Ultimate Fighter finale. Forrest received a three year, six figure contract from UFC. They (actually their sponsors) also tossed in a new car (which he needs), a dirt bike (which he doesn’t need) and a swank watch (which he’ll probably break or lose). He and Stephan Bonnar gave mixed martial arts fans an instant classic. They traded bone crushing punches and knees for three full rounds. This fight could have gone either way and no one who watched it would have any reason to complain. My ass never touched the couch after about the first 30 seconds of the opening round (hell, most of the time my feet weren’t touching the ground either). My hands are sore from clapping, my voice is horse from yelling, and I can’t stop smiling. This was exactly the kind of fight UFC needed on such a big showcase. Two class guys just beating the ever living hell out of each other. This could be the UFC equivalent of the first Arturo Gotti/Irish Mickey Ward boxing match. Tonight Forrest showed the world he has an abundance of heart and no shortage of character (in addition to being a character). In the coming months and years, if you see the name Forrest Griffin on the marquee for any UFC event, don’t hesitate to plunk down a few bucks to your cable or satellite provider, you won’t be disappointed. I would like to complain about Spike TV’s choice of footage for the promo packge. Nice job of getting some random bridge and a bunch of houses on Rock Springs. They made Athens look like either an industrial wasteland or Elberton. This was not the Classic City I have represented to my friends around the country. I guess we’ll just have to get by on our reputation for producing world class artists and athletes… oh and as the home of Forrest Griffin. Congrats you goofy bastard!
He Said What?
These were some of my favorite quotes I read today. Feel free to take them out of context.
“Lies, lies, lies, that’s all I am hearing. They should look at Wendy’s. What are they hiding? Why are we being victimized again and again?”
“The simple fact of the matter is that the finger came from somebody. Where’s that person at?”
“This is a very good place for secret meetings. And there’s no risk: it’s normal for a girl to come here to buy drugs.”
“I was shocked. I almost dropped the french fries.”
“Whenever I travel, people ask me where I’m from: New York or L.A.? And when I say Cincinnati, they say ‘Why?’ My answer to them is always the same: ‘You’ve obviously never been there.'”
“The column is new so you’ve got to read it and see. It’s all new. It’s new and exciting. There’s no more two-headed babies or anything like that. It’s all new, no lies. It’s fresh. It’s clean. It’s great. You’ve got to read it and see.”
“Direct removal of a live leech might be difficult because of its powerful attachment to the mucosa and its slimy and mobile body.”
“One guy said he wouldn’t mind if it squirted water on him, which is kind of weird.”
“He had been briefed on the duck and he stopped to pay a visit.”
Binge And Durge
Man, Jim Carroll could write a song about this week. Terry Shiavo’s death eliminated about 1/3 of my act this week. Topical humor must be topical. Couldn’t really start the set “remember a couple of days ago when Terry Shiavo was still alive? Well here are some things I thought then…” I might as well have just riffed on the Lincoln assaination. Johnny Cochran’s death got completely overshadowed. Rascism in the media I tell you. And then this afternoon the Pope finally passes. To quote my buddy from earlier today “I don’t think CNN and Fox News knew what they were getting into with the round-the-clock coverage of the Pope-watch. Don’t think EITHER of them expected it to take up THAT much of their coverage. I bet they were starting to think “what are we going to do here?” Because I’m guessing it just doesn’t look good to break away from Pope-watch coverage because the poor guy was taking just too long to die.” Really they seemed to be running out of Catholics to talk to. Priests will now be telling the parrishoners “Be fruitful and multiply so that MSNBC will always have sound bites.” The electronic media had plenty of time on their hands though, seeing as how those video retrospectives on the Pope’s life had been in the can for a few year. I am anxiously awaiting the process of selecting the new Pope. That’s got to be one cut-throat competition. Some of the logic baffles me already. There was a guy on the radio today saying they’ll probobly pick an older pope so he’ll die sooner. Apparently they don’t want another long reign. Is that how they can justify a Latino Pope? But surely they can’t have two in a row that aren’t Italian. And on top of all this, my favorite contemporary comic (and one of my all time favs) drops. Mitch Hedberg was a comedy legend in the making. But it’s a sad case we’ve all seen before and unfortunately will see again. To borrow a Todd Snider lyric “Alcohol and pills / It’s a crying shame / You’d think they might have been happy / With the glory and the fame / The fame don’t take away / It just pays the bills / And you wind up on alcohol and pills.” At first I was sad thinking of all the great material he was depriving me over the years. Then I became angry thinking of all the great material he was depriving me of over the years. So fuck you Mitch! God damned junkies. Now time to mourn in my own little way — beer and a jager.
It’s How Many Fingers You Have
What is the point of the ten items or less express lane at the grocery store if the ten item rule is not enforced? I can see maybe letting someone slide with eleven or twelve items, but once the number of goods being purchased starts pushing 20, I think the window for acceptance has been exceded. Why not just program the scanners so that they shut off and total the purchases after ten items? Make it refuse to ring up the eleventh item. Surely such technology exists or could easily be created.