With all the hoopla surrounding last year’s Super Bowel halftime show we get a nice, safe very rich guy this year (he used to be in a band or something). But here’s the thing — the game is in Jacksonville. And who is the most famous act to ever come from Duval County? Why Lynyrd Skynyrd of course. How can they not be a part of the show? I know the current touring group is a bastardized version of the original, but c’mon, a nod to your roots Jacksonville. But please, please, keep Fred Durst looked away.

Last night I was out in the suburbs to eat at one of my favorite restaurants when I saw a sign for St. Cletus Church and School. Now I don’t know my Catholic saints that well, but St. Cletus? As in the slack-jawed yocal? Is he the patron saint of Copenhagen? Are there little statues of him on the dashboards of monster trucks?

DALLAS — A couple of things about the fair city I’m spending a couple of days in. Loved the headline on the Dallas Morning News Sports Page Wednesday — “The Seat Hits The Fan.” Troy Aikmen does a lot of commercials here , radio and TV. Also, no shortage of steak ouses round these parts. Also, amazing to hear that folks in northeast Georgia got it much worse than we did in southeast Louisiana. That Ivan, what a sumbitch.

Much like Chris Rix, I am trying to avoid being a hurricane’s bitch. This Ivan, he’s very indecisive. Over the past few days, I’ve seen about a billion different projections on Ivan’s track. As best I could tell the storm was gonna hit somewhere between Maine and Hawaii. Now, he appears to have southeast Louisiana in his sites, slapping hand cocked and ready. Yesterday morning, we were pretty safe, then in the afternoon they issued a “voluntary evacuation.” What the blue hell is that? I can voluntarily evacuate anytime I want. So basically. the mayor said “you can leave if you want to.” Well, thanks for acknowledging my free will. As you can imagine, Ivan is dominating the media coverage down here. Yesterday a guy holed up in his French Quarter apartment. The SWAT team was called, several blocks were closed off, tear gas was used. This story got about 30 seconds of airtime last night… after the first commercial break. I keep watching, waiting for one of the reporters or anchors to accidentlly say “mandatory ejaculation.” So far, no luck with that. I’m awaiting the news conference in a few minutes. I hope they kick us all out. I don’t wanna be here.

I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. No, seriously, I did. Cut that sucker almost in half. So long Progressive. Bite my ass suckers. WHOOO-HOOOO!

New Orleans law enforcement is rolling in it these days. First the declaration that they basically no longer need a warrant to enter your home (and if there is any group of people you want allowed free access to your house it’s the always upstanding and honorable NOPD). Now, there is a push at the State Capital to make it illegal to wear your pants too low. Let’s disregard all civil liberty issues (because you’ve just got to throw up your hands on something like this) and get to the meat of the issue. How has busting slack survived this long? Many fashion trends don’t survive a season, much less a year (particularly in the urban culture), but this bucking of authority has lasted for well over a decade. Think about what has come and gone during that time, wearing clothes backwards, Cross Colors, rugby shirts, sandles with socks, Tommy Hilfiger (admit it already), khaki denim, collarless shirts, etc. The only things to survive these turbulent times are busting slack and The Gap.

One of the more endearing qualities of my current home city is supposed to be the laid-back attitude of the residents. Everyone and everything moves at a leisurely pace. While that may be cool to soak in for a few days as a visitor, on a daily basis it causes an me to supress an abundance of rage. These people have no clue about how to efficiently utalize public transportation. Granted, a large chunk of people on the trolly are tourists, but isn’t it possible these people have lived in, or traveld to, big citries before? It’s not enough that the damn historic landmark moves as such, but so do the poeple getting on and off. Simple socially acceptable rules such as enter and exit on your right side, or enter at the front exit at the rear, or move towards the back so that everyone can board, are completely foreign to these folks. As are such universal truths as exact fucking fair. I get to suffer my daily anger in about a half hour, and I’m already brething deep and preparing to have to snap at someone “the door won’t open if you don’t push it.”

Sure am glad Ralph Nader gave the Democrats something to bitch about. They’ve all been so sunshiney positive the past few years (I gotta develop that sarcasm font). But enough about the Dems, let’s bitch about the Greens (and every other third, fourth, fifth and 27th party). The major flaw (will just concentrate on one) is the shoot for the top philosophy. I can’t buy into the idea that having a presidential candidate gives the party legitimacy and a national face. All having someone at the top of the ballot accomplishes is to make the party a national punchline. All those millions that will be donated to Nader’s campaign could work wonders in state house and county commission races. It’s like someone complaining about the lack of minorities in Harvard med school while inner city elementary schools are using science text books that discuss how one day man will land on the moon (or that don’t mention evolution… oh wait). Construct a base and build on that. Thus our nation is seemingly generations away from a viable third party, as one of the big two works closer to extinction.

So Britney got married? Now I’ve woken up to some bad memories from the night before, but exiting my slumber to find I’d wed a multi-millionaire pop princess would not fall in that category. Yes, young Jason Alexander lived out the fantasy of many a man, young and old (and quite a few women). Notice how every article mentions his middle name so the public doesn’t think Britney married Duckman. If that were the case, I’m pretty sure Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts would be bumped from the top of the most unbelievable celebrity weddings. But what everyone really wants to know, did Jason get to enjoy all of the wedding night perks? And if he did, will he wright a song about it? Did Britney view this as a career move. Is she trying to follow in the Carmen Electra mold? If so, there’s plenty of former Red Hot Chili Peppers to start dating. Or is she destined to host Battlebots next season? But most importantly, where did she find a wedding dress with anal cleavage?

Last night I accidently knocked a cactus on my sandled foot. So I broke out the tweezers to remove the pricklys. It was frustrating to realize I had a very difficult time reaching some of the pain causers imbedded in my foot. So I decided it was time to start stretching and working out. Then I played NCAA 2004 all afternoon while thinking who I could call to come over and extract the thorns from my mighty paw. I’m just pathetic.