The guy that lived in my apartment before me forgot to cancel several magazine subscriptions. I have enjoyed the free offerings of Time and Entertainment Weekly. Then one day a magazine shows up wrapped in gray plastic. I thought “whoo-hoo, free porn.” Actually it was Out. The vast majority of the issue was dedicated to gay marriages. Then came the article titled “Is Madonna Over?” I began to wonder, if a gay publication is questioning Madonna’s staying power, then it may truely be the end. Then I decided the just recycle this article every time she releases a new album.
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
My Bad
I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. I owe a HUGE apology to Dave Perno, particularly for all of those Ron Jirsa comparisons. It’s a great day to be a Bulldog.
Post Season Hair
First off a big FUCK YOU to my cable provider for having the network stations out all weekend. It’s not like I missed the third leg of the Triple Crown, game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals or game 1 of the NBA Finals or anything. But that’s not the topic at hand. Playoff hockey has so many great traditions, and many a writer has waxed poetic about how other sports should pick up these rituals. I nominate one of these to be adopted by the NBA, but with a slight twist. The NHL has playoff beards, so the Association should have playoff fros. Somebody get me David Stern on the phone.
Petrofied
I love my car, I really do. I bought MY first car, kept it for nine years, then bought basically the exact same car but nine years newer. Among its many wonderful qualities is fuel effeciency. Thank goodness, because the other day it costs me over $18 to fill the tank. Without a doubt, a record. I would think living in the world’s secondest busiest port, gas prices would be more reasonable. Afterall, we’re getting first dibs when it hits American soil right? I wondered if I could go down to the docks and buy some bootlegged gas. Just some guy standing on the corner, wearing an overcoat in 90 degree weather claiming his stuff is just as good as what you would get at the stores (“Is like Exxon.” “Has Texaco guts.”). You go up and have that awkward exchange of slang and euphamisms, then he opens his coat and slips you a milk jug filled with go juice. Then he starts to haggle about the price (just my luck not to bring any 9/10 cent coins). But this could effect the actual drug market. What about those poor souls who use tractor fuel when cooking up their meth? Surely they’re feeling the pinch just like the rest of us. Yup crime and gas, they go hand in hand. Why aren’t more criminals staking out the pumps. If you see someone pull up with a big honking SUV, you know they got some dough. But during these trying times, I have found a way to use the soaring fuel prices to my advantage. I now keep only about 1/8 of a tank in my car. Knowing that if any would be theif makes it past my top of the line anti-theft system, they will look at the fuel gage and leave me car be, knowing the costs of getting it back to the chop shop would not offset the street value of my factory sound system.
I’ve Got Good News
I just saved a lot of money on my car insurance. No, seriously, I did. Cut that sucker almost in half. So long Progressive. Bite my ass suckers. WHOOO-HOOOO!
Tis The Season
I know spring is giving way to summer because the Juvenile billboard has been taken down and replaced by the Lil Wayne billboard.
The Real Fashion Police
New Orleans law enforcement is rolling in it these days. First the declaration that they basically no longer need a warrant to enter your home (and if there is any group of people you want allowed free access to your house it’s the always upstanding and honorable NOPD). Now, there is a push at the State Capital to make it illegal to wear your pants too low. Let’s disregard all civil liberty issues (because you’ve just got to throw up your hands on something like this) and get to the meat of the issue. How has busting slack survived this long? Many fashion trends don’t survive a season, much less a year (particularly in the urban culture), but this bucking of authority has lasted for well over a decade. Think about what has come and gone during that time, wearing clothes backwards, Cross Colors, rugby shirts, sandles with socks, Tommy Hilfiger (admit it already), khaki denim, collarless shirts, etc. The only things to survive these turbulent times are busting slack and The Gap.
Hating On The Charm
One of the more endearing qualities of my current home city is supposed to be the laid-back attitude of the residents. Everyone and everything moves at a leisurely pace. While that may be cool to soak in for a few days as a visitor, on a daily basis it causes an me to supress an abundance of rage. These people have no clue about how to efficiently utalize public transportation. Granted, a large chunk of people on the trolly are tourists, but isn’t it possible these people have lived in, or traveld to, big citries before? It’s not enough that the damn historic landmark moves as such, but so do the poeple getting on and off. Simple socially acceptable rules such as enter and exit on your right side, or enter at the front exit at the rear, or move towards the back so that everyone can board, are completely foreign to these folks. As are such universal truths as exact fucking fair. I get to suffer my daily anger in about a half hour, and I’m already brething deep and preparing to have to snap at someone “the door won’t open if you don’t push it.”
Feeling Patriotic
It’s 10 AM and the Yankees are on my TV. It’s not quite as cool and Whatthefucky as having them on my TV at 4 AM, but a helluva way to start the day nonetheless.
I’ve Been Here For Years
This is long overdue. I have relocated (georgaphicaly and emotionaly) and should have been chiming in with the amusing anecdotes weeks ago. Because (1) there are interesting stories to tell, (2) the hard working and extremely talented team at heideldesign set this site up for me, and (3) I need comments that aren’t offering gambling tips and penis enlargement (I get enough of that from spam and the two topics are more closely related than I would ever want to admit).
So, I now live in a town that has no last call AND a casino. To drive these points home, there is a bar a few blocks from me that offers daily drink specials from 5-7… AM! And I can do my laundry there. And I will not even get into the dangers of living walking distance from a casino. The “I’m bored and just going to stop by and play the slots for a few minutes” philosophy works significantly better in theory than in practice.
Moving to a new town is odd. So much that you don’t realize you don’t know how to find until you need it (grocery store, oil change, dry cleaning, bank, laundromat).
I always said I looked forward to mising Athens. Thus far, other than a hankering for Gutherie’s that hasn’t come up yet (except for the fact that people in this town expect me to pay full price for all of my food and alcoholic beverages). Do I wax nostalgic? yes. Do I experience lonliness? yes. Do I wish I was back there right now? not so much.
I make a solumn vow to be a more loyal blogger. hang with me because it’s gonna get crazy.