Bangkok traffic
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
I Have Met My Asian Mistress And Her Name Is Beer Lao
Bangkok, Thailand — I grew tired of Laos. Decided to get out of the country. A couple of tuk-tuks, boats and trains later, I find myself spending a few hours in Bangkok before I head to Singapore. I am so upside down and backwards right now. I’m pretty sure about the Bangkok thing, it may or may not be Sunday night. On with the ramblings.
The train ride up to Chiang Mai was scenic and diverse. The first stretch you go through neighborhoods and markets that are built right up to, and sometimes over, the train tracks. This gives way to suburbs, then plains, followed by jungles and finishing up with mountains. People that talk about airline food have obviously never had train food. Kobayashi couldn’t keep that stuff down. The train arrived two hours ahead of schedule. This threw me off since I had yet to complete my research on the city. I did know it was located west of the train station, so I walked in that direction.
Taxicabs don’t seem to exist in Chiang Mai. Sangthaew is the preferred of public transportation. It’s basically a pick-up, with a camper and two benches built in. There easy to hop in and out of and I think would be a big hit in college towns. There is also no shortage of tuk-tuks here. Those are the three wheeled cycle with the covered back seat. They are loud, smelly and obnoxious… and that’s just the drivers {rim shot}! Thank you, I’ll be all week. Tip your waitresses. Don’t forget, the 9:00 show is completely different from the 6:30 show.
I am apparently staying in the bookstore capital of SE Asia. There are more than I can count within a stone’s throw of my guest house. And they are massive, spilling across streets and alleyways and into other blocks. I also found out guidebooks are more expensive here than in the States. Apparently I have started staying the States. I see all of the bootlegged CDs and DVDs, but have yet to run across that bootleg book market. Which I hear exist in Cambodia.
Another travel tip. Always bring a backpack, or day pack to the complimentary breakfast (I guess a purse would also work). Those fruits and pastries make a nice mid morning snack. Or lunch if you get real greedy.
Several of the hotels and guest houses I have stayed in have a neat energy saving device. There’s a special slot you slip your room keychain in that activates the room’s electricity. Then when you pull it out to lock your door and leave, the power disappears. It’s sort of like a dyslexic Excalibur.
Pink is a very popular color in Thailand. From what I’ve gathered, the king wore a pink shirt on TV and it caught on from there. He’s like their Ryan Seacrest.
The weather in Chiang Mai is damn near perfect. During most of the day, it’s warm, but not hot, nare a trace of humidity with a cool breeze blowing in from the river. At night and in the morning, it’s just cool ebough that I think I should bring a jacket because I might need it later, but I never do.
Thank you Thailand for reminding me that butter improves the taste of pretty much everything.
Everyone pull out your charts. On the vertical, go to Thai. On the horizontal, go to Lucky. In case you didn’t know, the name of this chart is Lesser Known Britney Spears Songs I Have Heard Performed In Other Languages. Now I begin my quest to track down that copy of Not A Girl Not Yet A Woman sung in Swahili.
Red Ain’t Dead
Holding onto the past
A Rough Guides Kind Of Guy Living In A Lonely Planet World
Vientiane, Laos PDR — This may very well be the most peaceful, laid back national capital in the world. It’s like the Mekong just picks up all the stress and hurry and takes it down the river. I’m nor sure where it ends up, but that’s not a city I want to visit.
This trip has given me more entrepreneurial ideas than I can keep up with. I want to open a dating service at a mall. This business will have large glass windows. Then, I go to modeling agencies and hire attractive people to come in and “sign up.” Other people will be walking by and see all of these beautiful people and think they have a chance to get hooked up with them and will thus come in and sign up. Can’t miss.
I have back-up plans though. Like my t-shirt company. Our shirts will use a special ink. In normal light, the shirt will say something along the lines of If Your Not Wasted The Day Is (sic). But, once you step under blacklight the shirt will read something like I Am Gay.
I’ve gotten pretty good at telling where white people are from on sight.
The t-shirts here kill me. Some are just random English words thrown together. Just Yankee Chevrolet. It’s like how they name the tacky overpriced souvenir shops in New Orleans. Where they just pick two Cajun and or Creole words and throw them together. I saw one man wearing a shirt that said Fired Chicken, Collard Greens, Black-eyed Peas, etc. Yes, apparently the menu from a soul food restaurant will work as a shirt. I got a good chuckle out of seeing a young Thai girl walk out of the MBK Center wearing a black shirt that in neon letters read It’s All Good In The Hood. But my favorite was a kid I saw on a train sporting a Nirvana (the band not the afterlife) shirt, which on the back spelled out the he was a “Fudge Packing, Crack Smoking, Satan Worshiping, Mother Fucker.” His parents must be proud.
In my room at the guest house I found a Thai edition of Penthouse. Very disappointing. Apparently in Thailand, pornography can’t be pornographic. No nipples, no pubes no dice.
Some people suggested I hit up the Philippines. These people apparently don’t read the news. Coupes and cyclones aren’t on my agenda. As a rule, I try to avoid places that are being blown up or blown away.
I was walking through a Wat and saw a dog playing with a dead pigeon. I’m trying to search for a deeper meaning there.
Here’s a nice travel trip when on planes, trains or automobiles. Bring a light jacket or fleece with you in case the air conditioning is too strong. But, put the jacket on backwards. This is more visual, but think about when you put a jacket on in a seat. So much stretching and hitting the person next to you. With the backwards thing, jacket goes on easy, you don’t bother anyone else, your back is against the seat and doesn’t need cover, and if the temperature changes, quick and easy to get off. Like I said, this may not seem like much in print, but when you do it or see it done, your life will be instantly improved.
I was kind of blown away by televised jet ski racing. Then I saw televised chess. That’s right. I saw televised chess. Move over televised poker, you’re no longer the most boring thing in broadcasting.
I sometimes get confused when trying to speak Lao or Thai and speak Japanese instead. Once, I accidentally busted out some Spanish. It would have been funny if I hadn’t caught myself. Just an Anglo, speaking Spanish, with an Asian accent.
I have been told I speak good English for an American. I tell these people that I speak well English. Then I flip them off, kick them in the stomach and drop them with a Stone Cold Stunner. USA! USA! USA!
As a child, I remember always seeing pictures or stock footage of Asian cities and almost everyone was riding bicycles. Those days are over. It’s scooters all the way. There are a few pedicabs, but that’s it. I saw two bicyclists today, and wouldn’t you know it, both were Americas. Because fuel efficiency be damned, we stil know scooters are gay.
Clapton Is Budda
Pieces of time
The BCS Makes More Sense To Me Than Thai Script
Ayutthaya, Thailand — While in Bangkok, I went through a series of events that landed me in the hospital. First off, the sidewalks there left much to be desired. Many were cracked and uneven. Often they were ridiculously thin and at times, just disappeared. During a rather harrowing stretch, I messed my ankle up. No big deal. Except for the fact that my new strut caused me to do some damage to a tendon in my foot. As a result of having an even newer strut, I now had some raging blisters on my feet (we will now pause and allow everyone to make their Andrew got raging blisters in Bangkok joke). After a couple of days, I basically couldn’t even walk when I got out of bed. I decided medical care was needed. After a bit of research, I picked what looked like the best hospital in the city. And wow! It may have been the best healthcare experience of my life. The hospital was large, clean and modern. Upon arriving, I had to wait a grand total of about 20 seconds before seeing a nurse who took my information and decided what clinic I should be sent to. Four minutes after arriving, I was sitting in the orthopedic clinic. A nurse came up and apologized to me about the wait. Seems there was only one doctor working that day and a whopping six patients ahead of me. LA County this is not. The nurses here wore traditional nurse uniforms. Like the ones all the girls wear for Halloween but without the plunging neckline and hoochie hem line. Even the little hats. Also, they didn’t wear nurse shoes. They were dressy shoes, most with a heel (there’s probably a much more accurate way to describe them, but I’m not much of a women’s shoe aficionado) . And, I’m sure Asian nurse is another of those wacky double fetishes. If you could find an Asian nursing student, look out pervs. The doctor spoke near perfect English. He looked at my foot, and the pulled out a safety pin. At this point I did get a little nervous. I mean everything about this hospital screamed “we practice modern western medicine.” He took the sharp end of the pin and ran it around me foot. He would ask me how it felt compared to different areas. Once done, he made an appointment for a follow-up visit and wrote me my prescription. I was then sent back to the lobby. Here I went to a desk and was given a piece of paper with a number on it. I then sat in one of several rows of chairs and waited for my number to pop up on a screen and be called out (it was sort of like waiting on your schedule to pop out using the old OPSTAR system at UGA). I then when to pay. So, a visit to a first class hospital, lightning quick service and my medicine all totaled out to about 1550 Bhat. That’s less than $50 US. At this point, I decided to return to Bangkok everytime I get so much as a sniffle.
I attended the Thai boxing at Lumpini Stadium. It kinda sucked. Apparently, I went on the wrong night and didn’t get the good matches. All of the fighters were young, so there was not a dazzling array of skills. If I’m not going to see a clinic, I’d rather have some unmitigated violence. However. all of the fighters were also small, so they didn’t have enough power to do any significant damage. The matches were hard to predetermine. All of the fighters were Thai. With no prior knowledge of the combatant, how am I supposed to pick a winner when everyone is from the same country and is of the same race? This violates every non Marcus of Queensbury rule I know about boxing. The crowd knew what was happening in the ring though, because they were actively and aggressively betting on every bout. I ask you, what sport isn’t improved by on-site wagering? Who would watch horses run around an oval without a few bucks on the line? I’ll go so far as to say not just sports, but all activities could be improved by on-site betting. Wedding receptions in particular. How long will the couple last? Who will cry first? Which uncle will get the drunkest? Which bride’s maid will sleep with which groomsman?
Lumpinin Park is probably my favorite place in Bangkok. It’s very accessible to exercise. The road encircling the park has markers to show how far you have run between points. They have bars to stretch out on. There are large groups of people doing aerobics. They even have outdoor gyms. Cardio equipment and free weights right in the middle of the park. There’s also paddleboats. I guess that’s better than sitting on your ass.
I saw a black guy. I hadn’t seen a black man since I left Hartsfield. It was pretty exciting. However, he seemed pretty unfazed by the event.
Waking up at 6:00 AM to check football scores blows. Yes, I found something worse than those 9:00 kickoffs when living on the west coast.
The exit signs on public transportation are depicted by a man running. Behind him is a man in a wheelchair. I’m sure this is supposed to convey that the exit is handicap accessible. But I interpret it as in the event of a fire, leave the cripples to burn.
My View For 14 Hours
View from a Thai train
You Want Thai Massage?
Chiang Mai, Thailand — The title of this blog is a little phrase I hear a few dozen, or maybe even a few hundred, times a day. They’re not pushing, just throwing it out there, reminding you it’s an option. It’s nice to walk down the street and be offered a massage that is, you know, actually a massage.
Everyone should travel here at least once just to see the remaining balance after a trip to the ATM. I feel like a baller right now, but with the exchange rates, it’s going to be insane in Laos. I’ll feel like Thurston Howell IV married to one of the Walton girls after having Scott Boras negotiate my deal while riding a train through my living room.
I was itching for some news today, wanted to reconnect with the world. Humorously the only station I could find with English being spoken was Al-Jazeera.
Some softy drink dispensing machines have the following options: Pepsi, 7-Up, red, orange and purple. Looks like the cola makers are ripping off Dave Chappelle.
When translating things into English, occasionally amusing word combinations develop. Other times though, it can just cut through the BS. Like the make-up store I saw named Nice Face. Just bam! right on the nose. It would be like naming your restaurant Tasty Food. I’ve decided I’m going to open an Asian themed restaurant called Wok This Way.
I got to watch most of the USC – Arizona State game. Most because the last few minutes were cut off to show a three day old soccer match. During the game there was no ticker. Also, no local ads. I was really looking forward to the Thai version of the John Mellencamp truck ad. Would they have a Thai musician sing it? Would Mellencamp just slightly alter the lyrics to “this is your country?” Or, would he bust out a whole new verse? “From the East Coast, to the Gulf Coast, down the Death Railway, and home.”
Asian schoolgirl has to be some sort of super-duper deluxe double stuff mega fetish.
The best way to find your way around somewhere is to get lost. I know that sounds trite, but hear me out. It’s something I like to do when ever I get to a city I’m going to be in for a while. Just head off in a direction. Get off at a different train stop. Eventually, you’ll see familiar stuff and realize how you got there. You’ll now know your way around better and along the way, you may discover a neat place or person. But still carry a map just in case.
Keep Your Malls
The Sunday walking market
The Golden Triagle Kicks The Crap Out Of DelMarVa
Chiang Mai, Thailand — Moved up a few hundred kilometers north. I still can’t tell you exactly how far that is, or even really have a perspective, without pen and paper. Oh metric conversions how you still haunt me.
Many Thais, especially in touristy areas, speak at least some English. Sometimes I don’t want to talk to people, especially if they are trying to tell me something. So, I have to pretend like I don’t speak English. I’ve come up with a certain type of gibberish that sounds like an eastern European language. It does the trick. I just smile, spout some gibberish and keep walking.
A lady working at the cab stand looked at my bethonged feet with envy. They were so white. The fairer the skin the better here. The drug stores are full of different products to whiten the skin. I was quite ashamed of my alabaster pedals. We then began to discuss how people always want to be what they’re not. If you have curly hair, you want straight hair, etc. This went on for a couple of minutes until I finally made my way to the cab. Body image and its societal effects was some pretty heady conversation for a cab stand. I didn’t get to tell her how I enjoy giving my friends crap about being tan. Reminding them it does not send out an inviting message to the opposite sex like they think. If you’re female, it says “I am a kept woman. I have a man, he takes care of me, so I just lay out all day bronzing my epidermis. I do not need you sir.” If you are male it says “I’m a laborer. I work outside all day. I smell bad, earn little money and have no benefits. I can not provide for you or any other woman.” None the less, I’m still going to spend a couple of weeks at the beach next month.
Hearing Christmas carols in Thai is just bizarre. In case you were wondering, there is apparently no direct translation for Frosty The Snowman. I wonder if they just observe the commercial version of Christmas? Or, do they somehow meld Christianity and Buddhism into one mega holiday. If so, I bet Santa Buddha is one fat dude.
I want to make a movie about a black Superman. The tagline will be “The last brother of Krypton.” The soundtrack will be done my identical twin rapping duo the Dopllegangstas. Start printing the money folks.
I’ve gotten numerous messages from friends about being in Bangkok, most made some not so thinly veiled reference to prostitution. That’s a situation and a reputation the emerged when troops would come to Thailand from Vietnam on R&R. Only America could come into a country and say “you’ve got centuries of being a cultural mecca of southeast Asia. You’ve giving the world great food, amazing art, stunning fabrics and twins with incredible surgery stories. What’s say we scrap all that and turn you into one big brothel?” At least France didn’t go for it when we tried to turn them into Disneyland.