Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Thining The Heard

June 10th, 2008

The two major political parties have selected their presumptive nominees and are prepared to move forward to the general election. I have taken my lumps realizing I will not be winning any money in my presidential pool. I had a Mitt Romney/Charlie Crist ticket besting Bill Richardson/Barack Obama line-up in November. And while this year provided what has been by far the most competitive and exciting primary season of my life, the fun now begins in earnest.
Convention season is right around the corner. It’s a great time for journalists looking for shwag, and a financial boom for cab drivers, prostitutes and balloon retailers. I am curious to see how much coverage the conventions receive this year. Networks have moved to more of a twelve month season, and I am guessing are not interested in showing long-winded, blow-hardy speeches when America could be picking out a shiny suitcase of watching people try to cook or dance. This means the cable news channels and their talking heads are going to have to spend even more time than necessary creating “moments” that didn’t really move anybody. Those convention crowds might as well have been plucked from a theme park line to see a TV taping in Orlando. They are handed their props, told their chants and instructed on what the ques will be to use them. Those crowd reactions are about as organic as a Twinkie.
I am tired of hearing how historic this election is. Every time a President is elected by the American people, the US Supreme Court or Diebold, it is an historic event. Even more so now with the number of super powers reduced to two (I know it’s really just one, but one of Putin’s henchmen may be reading this and I may find myself in Moscow one day and I’d prefer it not being sharing a cell in the gulag with Gary Kasperov). While focused so much on the Democratic primary and if a woman or a black man would be nominated, several other note worthy facts about the candidates were overlooked. The US will elect it’s first Senator to the highest office in the land in my lifetime. There’s a reason the Oval Office has been occupies by a steady stream of Governors. Maybe not on a conscious level, but somewhere in the recesses of their minds, the population feels a little more comfortable having one of these guy in charge. They’ve already been in charge of a large government and had final say so. Someone coming from that type of position is going to seem like more of a leader than someone who was just a part of a large legislative body.
We also stand on the doorstep of not having a Southerner running the free world. So a man from either the rust belt or the desert southwest will be giving the State of the Union address next year. The nation may scoff at the South (even though it’s the region that controls most of the banking, shipping and retail) but every four years, when the country needs someone in charge, they look below the Mason-Dixon line. There was still a chance of this had Senator Clinton gotten the nomination. She is somewhat of a geographic chameleon, able to claim being from the South, northeast or midwest depending on what best suits her needs.
Another bit of history that could be made is the electing of our first Vietnam veteran as Commander in Chief. Despite the millions of young men that served in southeast Asia during the 60s and 70s, not one had been sworn in as President. I can’t believe I have lived to see the Boston Red Sox win two World Series and have not seen a Vietnam vet in charge of our armed forces. However, this country did elect back-to-back draft dodgers.
Even though the campaigns are in the home stretch, we are far from done with them. A more than 24 month campaign and a less than 24 hour news cycle is going to leaves us all a bit drained.

We’ll Never See That Again

March 31st, 2008

Last night I got emotional while watching pro wrestling. The greatest the industry has ever seen laced up the boots one last time. Sports entertainment, nay the world, said goodbye to Ric Flair.
I will go not too far out on a limb and say that no person has provided me as much entertainment in my lifetime as Ric Flair. No musician, no actor, no writer, no athlete. The man’s career started before I was born and lasted into my third decade. And thanks to the wonder of DVDs, he will contintue to provide me with joy for years to come. All those great Saturdays and Mondays in front of TV. Those amazing nights in the Omni. Those are with me forever.
There’s no way to wrap up his career in a simple blog posts. The 20+ World Championships, headlinging damn near every major arena and stadium around the globe, leading the most dominant stable of all time, redfining the art of the interview, and on and on and on. There will never be another Ric Flair, and there shouldn’t be. Someday, people will make an argument that another performer deserves the mantle of the greatest of all time. Anyone who ever had the pleasure to see the Man will scoff at those arguments.
No more kiss stealing, whealing dealing, limosine riding, lear jet flying son of a gun. No more stylin’ and profilin’. No more walkin’ that aisle. No more riding Space Mountain. No more being the Man. No more beating the Man.
Whooooooooooooooooo!

Putting A Bow On Asia

March 18th, 2008

Much craziness in the past few weeks and months. This will serve as a wrap up form my Asian trip, a few months late, but still…
I walked past a bar in Singapore that had all of the waitresses dressed as French maids (Asian French maid, there’s another one for the double fetish list). Speaking as someone who has worked in a bar that employed this method of uniforming, trust me, it sounds better at the meeting. Unless you plan on being very selective in your hiring practices and having a world class tailor, do not utilize this method. The wrong figure and a poor fit takes French maid from a fantasy to a nightmare in a hurry.
I had heard all about the laws in Singapore and the rigid enforcement of these laws. I did not see this in practice. I witnessed people smoking on the sidewalks, littering, and yes, even chewing gum on the train. One of the more famous laws is three months in jail for jaywalking. I’m due about 39 months at this point. I went from walking around on egg shells to stomping in steel toed boots in a few hours.
Hey dudes, unless you’re The Monkees, don’t walk down the street four wide.
Long Bar is supposed to be some legendary place to go sip a cocktail. Here’s what it is. A steakhouse with overpriced drinks. Skip it.
Here’s everything you need to see in Kuala Lumpur: Petronas Towers. They are actually quite beautiful, especially when illuminated at night. Also, quite popular. We showed up before noon and got booked for a 5:45 PM trip. It’s amazing how much of the country you can see and you’re only halfway up. During the wait, a movie seemed like a good idea. The only one starting when we wanted to go (and in English) was The Kingdom. So, there I am, watching a movie about a group of FBI agents who go to Saudi Arabia to investigate the terrorist killing of Americans. I am in a country that has a large Muslim population. I am about 99% sure I am the only American in the theater. Not even during Rocky IV did I feel like my life may depend on the ending of a movie.
I’m going to open an outdoor barbershop. Our hook will be half priced haircuts when it’s raining.
I found a Kenny Rogers Roasters in Malaysia. Unfortunately, it wasn’t open at the time. I didn’t get to check it out or relive the glory days of living across the street form the glorious bird. I hadn’t seen one in years. I thought they all closed. Maybe it wasn’t really a Kenny Rogers’ Roasters. Maybe it did close years ago and they just kept the signs. But I won’t let that fantasy be ruined. If I needed a reason to return to this continent, it is to investigate the mystery of the remaining Roasters.
In my efforts to unite the world I’ve been trying to find words everyone can use. Here’s one “huh?” No matter the language, it says “I didn’t understand what you said. Please repeat it and/or say it louder.”
Another travel tip. When possible, schedule each leg of a round trip during different months, then you get to watch different movies.
I’ve discovered the first purchase you make in a country becomes your basis for your perspective on their currency’s value. Thus, all of my thoughts on the Malaysian economy are based on the price of a two piece and a biscuit.
You’re not a serious drinker if you’ve never lifted your feet for a mop to pass underneath as you order another drink.
I reached a point in my travels where third class train travel was the way to go. I didn’t even have a chance to think about the pros and cons. I was buying a ticket for the 2:40 train at 2:42. I literally jumped on the train as it was pulling out of the station. Here’s some of the basics on third class train travel. Wooden seats, no air conditioning. People walking the isles selling soft drinks, water, fruit, meat, even freshly caught fish. This trip definitely broadened my pallet, but I had to draw the limits at eating food someone was carrying around on an unairconditioned train. Not that I would want to eat on a third class train, because I would have no desire to use the restroom any more than necessary. Well, restroom is really a stretch. Think closet with a hole in the floor. And not a well kept closet with a hole in the floor. Every few stops, a guy jumps on with a garden hose and sprays the thing down like he was an Alabama State Patrolman in the 1950s. And the third class train is not discriminating about where it stops. Not just the smaller stations, but stations that are little more than a bench. I’ve seen bus stops that were more elaborate than these stations. And there were a few times I swear the train just stopped at somebody’s house.
When getting married, instead of being given away by her father, the bride should be given away by the guy she lost her virginity to.
To get from Suratani to Ko Tao, I took a boat. It was a cargo ship and in the areas not occupied by cargo they shove people. It was like the Asian version of Amistad
My seaside cottage was next to a naked German family. No further explanation necessary, By the way, Naked German Family, worst porn of 2007.
Coconut milkshakes make my cagels twitch.
I’ve come up with a name for my all male brothel Stud Studio.
For the elections all alcohol sales are forbidden. Friday through Sunday. I could stay in Georgia and not buy beer on Sunday. It’s kind of hard to find a speakeasy or a bootlegger in you hometown, much less a foreign country. Of course I found one.
During a rainy afternoon I watched Bring It On dubbed into Thai with English subtitles. This may seem pointless to many, but since the viewing, there have been four separate occasions when I’ve been conversing with a local and in their native tongue needed to say “go Toros!”
Soccer fans have told me a goal is better than sex. But it’s sex after you haven’t got laid in a couple of years. Sure it’s great, because you’ve got sperm backed up to your ears. Sure it’s satisfying when you’ve waited so long. But I’d rather get laid everyday. And that’s better than not having sex everyday. I figured if all I was going to be able to watch are sports I don’t care about, I might as well learn a little about them. I glanced at the English Premiere League standings and saw that Derby was 1-3-12. I thought, surely this team is being coached by Pat Dye. Then I was told that the records are written as win-tie-loss. Fuck ties. I now get why soccer fans do all that singing and dancing during matches. It alleviates the boredom. I also get soccer riots. After about half an hour of watching that crap I feel like slugging somebody and breaking some crap.
If I want to see a football game so bad I’m willing to blow a guy, doesn’t that equal out to a zero sum on the heterosexuality scale.
I was walking down the beach and passed three girls walking with two guys. So I rented a pair of shoes and picked up the spare.
It was tough to beat the people coming up and selling drinks and services on the beach. You just lay there, a woman walks up, and offers you a massage. They also come along and sell alcohol. One young man came up and asked me “You want beer or margarita?” I replied “yes.” He then repeated “you want beer OR margarita?” To which I told him “I said yes. I have two hands.”

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable