Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Putting A Bow On Asia | Andrew Healan

Putting A Bow On Asia

March 18th, 2008

Much craziness in the past few weeks and months. This will serve as a wrap up form my Asian trip, a few months late, but still…
I walked past a bar in Singapore that had all of the waitresses dressed as French maids (Asian French maid, there’s another one for the double fetish list). Speaking as someone who has worked in a bar that employed this method of uniforming, trust me, it sounds better at the meeting. Unless you plan on being very selective in your hiring practices and having a world class tailor, do not utilize this method. The wrong figure and a poor fit takes French maid from a fantasy to a nightmare in a hurry.
I had heard all about the laws in Singapore and the rigid enforcement of these laws. I did not see this in practice. I witnessed people smoking on the sidewalks, littering, and yes, even chewing gum on the train. One of the more famous laws is three months in jail for jaywalking. I’m due about 39 months at this point. I went from walking around on egg shells to stomping in steel toed boots in a few hours.
Hey dudes, unless you’re The Monkees, don’t walk down the street four wide.
Long Bar is supposed to be some legendary place to go sip a cocktail. Here’s what it is. A steakhouse with overpriced drinks. Skip it.
Here’s everything you need to see in Kuala Lumpur: Petronas Towers. They are actually quite beautiful, especially when illuminated at night. Also, quite popular. We showed up before noon and got booked for a 5:45 PM trip. It’s amazing how much of the country you can see and you’re only halfway up. During the wait, a movie seemed like a good idea. The only one starting when we wanted to go (and in English) was The Kingdom. So, there I am, watching a movie about a group of FBI agents who go to Saudi Arabia to investigate the terrorist killing of Americans. I am in a country that has a large Muslim population. I am about 99% sure I am the only American in the theater. Not even during Rocky IV did I feel like my life may depend on the ending of a movie.
I’m going to open an outdoor barbershop. Our hook will be half priced haircuts when it’s raining.
I found a Kenny Rogers Roasters in Malaysia. Unfortunately, it wasn’t open at the time. I didn’t get to check it out or relive the glory days of living across the street form the glorious bird. I hadn’t seen one in years. I thought they all closed. Maybe it wasn’t really a Kenny Rogers’ Roasters. Maybe it did close years ago and they just kept the signs. But I won’t let that fantasy be ruined. If I needed a reason to return to this continent, it is to investigate the mystery of the remaining Roasters.
In my efforts to unite the world I’ve been trying to find words everyone can use. Here’s one “huh?” No matter the language, it says “I didn’t understand what you said. Please repeat it and/or say it louder.”
Another travel tip. When possible, schedule each leg of a round trip during different months, then you get to watch different movies.
I’ve discovered the first purchase you make in a country becomes your basis for your perspective on their currency’s value. Thus, all of my thoughts on the Malaysian economy are based on the price of a two piece and a biscuit.
You’re not a serious drinker if you’ve never lifted your feet for a mop to pass underneath as you order another drink.
I reached a point in my travels where third class train travel was the way to go. I didn’t even have a chance to think about the pros and cons. I was buying a ticket for the 2:40 train at 2:42. I literally jumped on the train as it was pulling out of the station. Here’s some of the basics on third class train travel. Wooden seats, no air conditioning. People walking the isles selling soft drinks, water, fruit, meat, even freshly caught fish. This trip definitely broadened my pallet, but I had to draw the limits at eating food someone was carrying around on an unairconditioned train. Not that I would want to eat on a third class train, because I would have no desire to use the restroom any more than necessary. Well, restroom is really a stretch. Think closet with a hole in the floor. And not a well kept closet with a hole in the floor. Every few stops, a guy jumps on with a garden hose and sprays the thing down like he was an Alabama State Patrolman in the 1950s. And the third class train is not discriminating about where it stops. Not just the smaller stations, but stations that are little more than a bench. I’ve seen bus stops that were more elaborate than these stations. And there were a few times I swear the train just stopped at somebody’s house.
When getting married, instead of being given away by her father, the bride should be given away by the guy she lost her virginity to.
To get from Suratani to Ko Tao, I took a boat. It was a cargo ship and in the areas not occupied by cargo they shove people. It was like the Asian version of Amistad
My seaside cottage was next to a naked German family. No further explanation necessary, By the way, Naked German Family, worst porn of 2007.
Coconut milkshakes make my cagels twitch.
I’ve come up with a name for my all male brothel Stud Studio.
For the elections all alcohol sales are forbidden. Friday through Sunday. I could stay in Georgia and not buy beer on Sunday. It’s kind of hard to find a speakeasy or a bootlegger in you hometown, much less a foreign country. Of course I found one.
During a rainy afternoon I watched Bring It On dubbed into Thai with English subtitles. This may seem pointless to many, but since the viewing, there have been four separate occasions when I’ve been conversing with a local and in their native tongue needed to say “go Toros!”
Soccer fans have told me a goal is better than sex. But it’s sex after you haven’t got laid in a couple of years. Sure it’s great, because you’ve got sperm backed up to your ears. Sure it’s satisfying when you’ve waited so long. But I’d rather get laid everyday. And that’s better than not having sex everyday. I figured if all I was going to be able to watch are sports I don’t care about, I might as well learn a little about them. I glanced at the English Premiere League standings and saw that Derby was 1-3-12. I thought, surely this team is being coached by Pat Dye. Then I was told that the records are written as win-tie-loss. Fuck ties. I now get why soccer fans do all that singing and dancing during matches. It alleviates the boredom. I also get soccer riots. After about half an hour of watching that crap I feel like slugging somebody and breaking some crap.
If I want to see a football game so bad I’m willing to blow a guy, doesn’t that equal out to a zero sum on the heterosexuality scale.
I was walking down the beach and passed three girls walking with two guys. So I rented a pair of shoes and picked up the spare.
It was tough to beat the people coming up and selling drinks and services on the beach. You just lay there, a woman walks up, and offers you a massage. They also come along and sell alcohol. One young man came up and asked me “You want beer or margarita?” I replied “yes.” He then repeated “you want beer OR margarita?” To which I told him “I said yes. I have two hands.”

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable