Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Driving Under The Influence Of Hunger

December 14th, 2006

Washingotn, DC — People need to get off Nicole Richie’s ass. For years, there was constant public outcry about her eating disorders. Now, people are down on her about a DUI arrest. If she was still bulimiac, she would have vomited up that alcohol and then known the difference between east and west on the 134. This coming just months after Paris’s Hilton’s DUI arrest. When was Hilton pulled over? On her way to In-N-Out Burger for a Double Double. Once again, another starlet that could’ve been saved from a DUI if only she had an eating disorder. It is often stated how the actions of these two stars of unscripted television (sic) impact America’s impressionable youth. If that is the case, we will now see females too young to drink or drive doing both simultaneously. Oh, and they’ll be fat.

Rich Man? Poor Man?

September 19th, 2006

I have never held a job where I got paid hourly. Yet another way I have difficulty relating to the common man. Yesterday, a friend was telling me about his new job making $15 per hour. I have no immediate frame of reference for this. Sure, I can do the math and multiply 15 x 40 and come up with his weekly earnings, but there is a pause before I decide whether I should congratulate or console him. Further more, since I spent most of my employment history in the service industry, my understanding of the federal and state tax programs are rather remedial. My point is, when I find out a buddy landed a new job, and he tells me what he will make per hour, I don’t know which one of should buy the next round.

Don’t Forget To Wear Your Lifejacket

September 5th, 2006

I met a girl at a party the other night who was telling me of her plans to leave Los Angeles and move to North Carolina. She reasoned that with all the filming now taking place in the Tar Heel state, she would be able to find work. The aspiring thespian said she’d prefer to be a big fish in a small pond. Well, I’ve seen her attempt to act. I resisted the urge to tell her that the size of the pond doesn’t matter if you can’t swim.

Yeah, I Watched It

August 25th, 2006

I spent four + hours to watching When The Levees Broke: A Requiem In Four Acts. It had no shortage of great stories. Those aren’t hard to find. Walk up to anybody on the streets in any town across the Gulf South and they will have hours of Katrina stories for you. It was well shot, superbly edited and overall I would recomend it. Of course I had a few problems. One of my favorite segments was the man who told Vice-President Cheney “go fuck yourself Mr. Cheney.” But he was the only person from Mississippi that was interviewed. And the time spent with him was the only footage shown from the Sip. If Spike Lee wanted to make a film just about New Orleans, that’s OK. But it seemed kind of cheap to only cover Mississippi for that one segment. That a second was spent on the issue of calling displaced peoples refugees was a second too much. That was as much of a non-issue then as it is now. A refugee is someone seeking refuge, which is what we were, and still are. And that Congress members were calling press conferences to complain about insignifigant language while people were still on rooftops and not a single citizen had been evacuated from the Superdome or Convention Center is appaling. This was the event that inspired Mayor Nagin to yell “no more god damned press conferences.” But the thing that really chapped my hide was the interviewing of Al Sharpton and Harry Belefonte. What the fuck did they have to do with anything? Neither of them has ever lived on the Gulf Coast. Why talk to these two men? There are hundreds of outstanding black activists in New Orleans.
The media is talking about New Orleans again as the anniversary approaches. This is a huge landmark, but it’s day 362 of hurricane Katrina. That storm still is destroying lives. As the 12 month mark looms, I’ve been counting down all the other little anniversaries. Every day, for the past week or so, it has dawned on me that one year ago that day was the last time I worked a normal day, the last time I performed a show, the last time I hung out at a certain bar, the last time I ate at a favorite resturant or the last time I saw a friend. There’s way too many people, places and events to remember and memorialize in a single day.
PS – TD 5 is scaring the ever living crap out of me.

Alert Level Flesh

August 12th, 2006

A guy tries to use his shoes to blow up a plane and now we have to take off our shoes. Some guys try to use liquids to blow up a plane and now we can’t bring fluids on board. How about someone leak word to the DHS that hot chicks are going to use their shirts to blow up planes. Then, all hot chicks have to fly topless.

Dumbcon 5

July 1st, 2006

Maybe over the holiday weekend people will stop talking about the tensions between Barbra Walters and Star Jones. This dust up is overblown and has no bearing on most peoples lives… like India vs Pakistan.

This Summer I Hear The Drumming

June 23rd, 2006

In response to the continually rising crime rate, the National Guard is back in New Orleans. Having these guys around in the fall was both comforting and unnerving. The peace of mind that comes with having armed military patrols was conflicted with the freaked out “this doesn’t even feel like America” weirdness of having armed military patrols.
The increasing murder rate shouldn’t surprise anyone. It’s not exactly breaking news that long before the storm hit and the levees and flood walls failed, New Orleans had problems with violent crime and drugs. Now, let’s look at the situation of the last few months. Many of the neighborhoods that suffered the most devastation were also the neighborhoods that has the highest crime rates. When the repopulation began, criminals would return to their city, but not be able to return to their neighborhood. This would of course eventually lead to turf wars (something New Orleans is all to familiar with, most recently after the closing of St. Thomas).
Now there’s 50+ murdered people this year and the streets are patrolled by guys in camo carrying M-16s. Sometimes I don’t miss it all that much

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable