MTV had a birthday today. But much like a woman, by the time it had turned 30 I had long since stopped paying attention.
Many have lamented that they liked MTV better when they showed videos all day. Is that the reason you don’t watch MTV any more? No, you don’t watch MTV any more because you are old. MTV stopped being for you long before you matured out of the 18 – 34 demographic.
I am not a regular viewer of MTV these days, haven’t been for years. When I yearn for the MTV of old, it is not the wall-to-wall videos that I miss, but the early half of the 90s experimental stage, when the network started moving away from videos and closer to what it is today. It was a time of sketch comedy by The State, game shows by Ken Ober and talk shows by Jon Stewart.
It seemed MTV was destined for a gloriously tragic rock star death. The network took a page from one of the stars it played such a huge role in creating, Madonna, and re-invented itself over-and-over.
Do I miss the MTV of my youth? Sure, what I, and most people miss, is my youth. However, I am typing this on a tablet that weighs ten ounces and can instantly access any video MTV has ever shown.
And by the time MTV is programming for the youngest cast members of 16 And Pregnant, a whole new generation of Americans will be whining about how this is not the MTV of their youth.

The other night a coworker asked me “Have you seen that movie White Chicks?” I replied with a curt “No.” Then waited for her to inquire about my Hall Of Fame NBA career and extensive collection of Jimmy Buffet bootlegs.

Somebody at the local NBC affliate is either asleep at the wheel or has a sick sense of humor. They just teased an evening news story about Genarlow Wilson and followed that with a promo for Age Of Love.

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for probation violation. The world is abuzz with celebrations, petitions, analysis of the American legal system and critics of how celebrity obsessed out culture may be. I sat down and put some thought into the matter (one second for every day Hilton was sentanced to jail). After a thorough evaluation, I have decided what I think about Hilton’s pending jail time…
FART!
Yup, that pretty much covers it.

Different people have different reasons for watching To Catch A Predator. Some like to see bad guys get their comupense, some like to see the guys squirm, and some want to see if a familiar face pops up. This happened to me the other night. TCAP was on in the background while I typed away on the computer. I looked up and said “Holy crap, I know that guy!” Not only did I know a guy on this bit of TV justice, but Chris Hanson introduced his segment as something the folks at Dateline had never experienced before.
I”m sure we all expect this to happen at some point. Everyone has a friend, a guy from work or a neighbor that they look at suspiciously. You’re just waiting for that guy to get busted for some pervy act. The guy I knew, was definately a bit on the creepy side, but I wouldn’t have classified him as a predator. A freak sure, but persuing underage girls, a slight surprise.
I don’t have any thoughts on the TCAP phenom that haven’t already been expressed by many others. But, I do have a leg up in that I can now say I know a Dateline predator.

Are goth kids jealous of albinos?

I was watching a medicore at best sindicated sitcom today and they had a B plot that revolved around the hall monitor. This has been a sitcom staple for my entire life. But I never went to a school that had a hall monitor. Granted, my schools also had science text books that talked about how one day man will walk on the moon. But I don’t recall any friends ever having hall monitor stories. Were there schools that actually had these? And did they always get power hungry before eventually receiving sweet and possibly even ironic justice? And, was there an inevitable move where the prinipal would make the school’s noted trouble maker the hall monitor followed by him not taking his or her job responsibilities seriously, but eventually becoming an ali of the principal?

Pilot season is upon us. Los Angeles is even more full of dreams than usual. Many people will sell their souls and/or bodies for a chance at success. To help my fellow Hollywood hopefuls through these trying times I would like to pass on some knowledge dispensed to me by my friend Dane Faucheux.
“My only advice is to start blowing people. You’ll be hardpressed to find someone who can’t use a good quality blow job. And after blowing a few people refocus on getting in the business. You’ll be a lot more relaxed now that you’ve gotten over your fear of blowing people. If you get frustrated with comedy again, face another fear, like skydiving, or maybe your fear of blowing a guy while skydiving. I don’t know. Goodluck.”

In a few hours we will know if an early spring is upon us. I really hope that gerbil doesn’t see its shadow when it crawls out of Andy Dick’s ass.

Braselton, GA — I spent some quality time this morning watching Fox & Friends. It blew my mind that a group of people who’s job is to report and comment on the news of the day seemed to be surprised by every item that was covered. How is Tiki Barber (who I assume had spent the bulk of the past week studying the Redskins defense) more informed than people who are technically journalists? I suppose this light hearted manner is used on most morning news-type shows. It’s just that I don’t watch many morning news-type shows, so this was a bit more glaring to me.
During a segment on American Dolls, my attention wandered to the ticker. There was a report of a young man from Pakistan who died trying to duplicate a video he saw of Saddam Hussien’s hanging. The dangers of Youtube strike again.
In a related story, during the recent holiday season thousands of men were admitted to the emergeny room to treat deep and painful paper cuts. These wounds were suffered while trying to stick their penises through a hole cut into the bottom of a cardboard box.