Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Would You Like To Be Fired With That? | Andrew Healan

Would You Like To Be Fired With That?

January 21st, 2005

After a horrendous season two, The Apprentice is back again. I just can’t stay away. Maybe it’s because this show started the same week I quit my job last year, I identified with the concept. And the first season was cast wonderfully, the second season, well I convinced myself to like a couple of the candidates, but I really didn’t, the whole season was like watching a Tennessee-Florida game. So this is street smarts versus book smarts, in case you weren’t sure, it was mentioned approximately 2,457 times during this 90 minute episode. So, we can already eliminate half of the field from the field of potential winners. Anyone who has watched this show knows that Trump has a raging boner for degrees. However, the edumakated ones immediately showed their ignorance by naming their team “Magna,” as in Magna Cum Laude. You think maybe they would have gone for “Summa” as in Summa Cum Laude what with it being a more prestigious degree distinction and all. Why not just named your team the Silver Medallists, or the It’s An Honor Just To Be Nominateds or the Buffalo Bills (oops already taken). Once again the contestants start the season in a task that in no way, shape or form allows them to display CEO qualities (but there was CMO qualities, but I’ll hate on Danny later). Here were my first impressions on the wannabes that actually made an impression.
Tara — Gets my vote for the hottest chick on the show. She is one of three black contestants (and two black females, which has to be a record) and thus far appears to be sane.
Tana — Is that even a name? If it’s short for something, I haven’t figured it out yet. A bulldog peed on her, then the camera zoomed in on the puddle. Or maybe it was just stock footage from the Osbournes.
Kristen — Who?
John — He has a big head (as best I can tell someone in the casting department has a thing for guys with big heads). Seemed like a nice guy, a solid leader and did a great job of not being an overbearing leader (a refreshing change of pace for this show).
Craig — The black guy… that owns a shoe shine business. Are you kidding me?
Chris — Who?
Brian — He has a big head (I mean that Viking helmet must have been like an 11 3/4). He got bleeped twice while at a fancy dinner with his potential boss (or maybe he has Turrets, which if I’m correct we haven’t seen on reality TV yet). He is into urban legends but I gather has never read snopes. Also he should look into clip on ties, because that knot thing appears to be beyond his abilities (or maybe it’s Carpal Tunnel). So let’s look into Brian, dressed up like a cowboy, possible pituitary gland disorder, possible spontaneous profanities, possible manual dexterity problems. Should be fun.
Audrey — Who?
Angie — Who?
Danny — Who brings a musical instrument to a job interview? Somebody please take that guitar and go El Kabong on his ass (or at least Bluto Blutarski). What was that church bizarre looking Bozo rip-off game he set up? And the dancing, singing, playing the guitar thing? Me thinks someone got to NYC a day early went to Time Square and saw the Naked Cowboy. Did he get his wardrobe from a Hate Ashbury thrift shop? And he likes to think “outside the box.” What is that? What is the box? What’s so wrong with being inside of it? I frown on the corporate jargon that plagues this show.
Todd — He has a large jaw. He was a No Fear salesman. He is fired.
Verna — The other black female. She has braids, so she must be bitchy and crazy. She did roll her eyes at Danny’s songs, so points for her there.
Michael — He has a big head.
Stephanie — She had good marketing ideas. Couldn’t stand up to Danny.
Erin — WOW! She cried in the first freaking episode. She couldn’t work a cash register. She apparently wore a pink bath mat for her confessional interview (and constantly flipped her hair).
Kendra — She was the first to have the balls to jump off the bash Danny train (not that I wouldn’t be in line to purchase a ticket). She’s got a little something we like to call potential, which I believe is an old Cherokee word for “ain’t done shit yet.”
Bren — Is that a name? Short for Brenda maybe? He’s a Southern attorney who wears a bow tie. YAY! It should be noted, he also has problems with ties. His was crooked for most of the episode.
Alex — The smarmy one? The gay one? I’m going with a lot from column A and a little from column B.
I hope this show avoids the pitfalls that almost made me stop watching last year. I come in with an open and optimistic mind. I have but one reality show vice, please make it worth my while. And props to Joey for the line of the night “My wife hasn’t been born yet.”

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable