After many misserable first dates, I decided to come up with a simple 20 question quiz to screen potenial ladies in my life.
1. Are you heterosexual?
2. Do you have a boyfriend, fiancee and/or husband?
3. Do you have any STDs?
4. Are you currently suffering through, or recovering from, a chemical dependency?
5. Are you financially independent?
6. Does your vocational obligation involve heels and a pole?
7. Who is your favorite Beatle?
8. Do you smoke Newports?
9. Do you regularly attend raves?
10. How many Widespread Panic concerts have you been to? (A) 0 (B) 1 (C) more than one?
11. What is your favorite John Cusak movie?
12. Would you classify yourself as a Parrothead?
13. Are you prone to drinking White Zin?
14. Do you own a dog weighing less than 10 pounds, or more than one cat?
15. Spit? Swallow? N/A?
16. Do you own one or more of the following movies (A) Thelma & Louise (B) Steel Magnolias (C) Beaches?
17. Who is the greater musical genius — Bob Dylan or Eminem?
18. Who won the most recent Super Bowl?
19. Did you like the ending of “City of Angels”?
20. Does a semi-casual night out require in excess of two hours of prep time?
Scored on a sliding scale of hottness (I’m only a man).
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
Definition Of A Term
In case you need to know — If you (with two buddies standing with you) brandish a weapon (knife) at a guy (who is like five foot nothing a hundred and nothing), then he (who sports glasses and freckles) laughs at you and walks away, then you hit him (could this guy sound less intimidating) in the back, then gather four more guys and begin to talk shit, but will not take a step towards him (as he encourages you to), then when two other guys (sides now seven on three) appear out of nowhere and seem to be with this guy (those guys only slightly bigger than our subject), you choose to run away… you are a big huge PUSSY! Don’t know if Websters will pick that up, but I think it is accurate.
Simple Cards And Things
One of the more frustrating aspects of living in a college town is losing friends every spring. Graduation comes, leases expire, and off they go. And while it’s sad, there almost always a feeling of happiness for them, knowing they are headed for the bigger and the better. Then the fall comes and I realize I’m older. But since I’m basically always around the same demographic, it’s sorta like I don’t age. Like every August I realize I am perpetually 24.
My Version Of The List
Only eight hours away from the Buffy finale (although I’m about 16 hours from being able to catch the tape delay after work), and time for the Andrew Charles Healan Top 10 Buffy Episodes. [10] Prophecy Girl (1) – Buffy overhears Angel and Giles discussing the Master’s prophecy and quits her job as a slayer. Changes her mind, dies temporarily, brought by by Xander, kills the Master then parties with the gang. “The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She’s so little.” — Jenny Calendar [9] The Gift (5) – Glory plans to open the portal and destroy the world. Buffy vows to protect Dawn (the Key) and gives her life to save her sister and the world. “She saved the world a lot” — Buffy’s headstone [8] Bad Girls (3) – Faith has an entertaining effect of Buffy. She skips school to slay, breaks into a sporting goods store and dances with Faith. Wesley debuts, Faith kills the Mayor’s assistant. “Want. Take. Have.” — Faith [7] Graduation Day part 2 (3) – Faith beat into a coma, Angel feeds off Buffy, the enitre school comes together to stop Mayor Wilkins assention. Buffy lives out every kid’s dream and blows up the school. ” My God. He’s gonna do the entire speech.” — Buffy [6] Becoming part 2 (2) – Buffy gets kicked out of the house and expelled. She forms an alliance with Spike. Willow returns Angel’s soul, but Buffy still kills him in one of the most powerful scenes in BTVS history. “But we know the world didn’t end, ’cause…check it out.” — Oz [5] Fool For Love (5) – Buffy asks Spike to tell her how he bagged two slayers. Great stories and a great history of Spike. “Lesson the first: A Slayer must always reach for her weapon. I’ve already got mine.” — Spike [4] The Wish (3) Anya grants Cordy’s wish that Buffy never came to Sunnydale. We see a town overrun by Vamps. In the end, most everyone dies. Very dark. “Bored Now” — Vampy Willow [3] Hush (4) — The Gentlemen come to town to steal hearts and take everyone’s voice. Over half of the episode is done with no dialouge. Brilliant writing by Wheadon. And as always, uses what most series would have as a gimmick show as a way to drive a major plot line (Buffy and Riley). ” ” [2] Once More With A Feeling (6) – A spell causes everyone to break into song revelaing their true feelings. Horrible singing, but brilliant writing. I can’t think of another show that could’ve pulled this off. [1] Innocence (2) Another case of using a ratings grabber (the heroin loses her virginity) to move plot lines forward. After Buffy and Angel have sex, he reverts to his much cooler Angelus persona. Xander and Cordy are outed. Willow makes her move on Oz. And, Buffy gets to use a rocket launcher. “You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I’d known how easily you’d give it up, I wouldn’t have even bothered.” — Angelus. I hope tonight’s grand finale can at least make this list.
Down With The Sickness
Glad West Nile season is upon us, maybe it will make people forget about SARS.
The Long Good-Bye
In the midst of my mourning the upcoming end of “Buffy The Vampire Slayer” (combined with my boredom at work), I have compiled quite a few list I’ll be throwing out in the next eight days. BTW, no wise acres throwing up spoiler stuff you’ve read on the comments please. So today, I’ll rank my favorite seasons (for this, and most list, Season 7 is not judged, have to wait and see Joss bring it full circle first). [1] Season 3 — Faith, Faith and more Faith (actually not enough Faith). Gang deals with realities of finishing school. Plenty of Mayor Wilkins. Explored the dark side of being a Slayer. [2] Season 2 — We get to meet Spike and Dru. Angel becomes Angelus and is no longer “as boring as a table lamp.” Oz enters the Buffyverse. Xander and Willow find love. SMG does probobly here best acting this season. [3] Season 6 — Not a popular choice I know, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one. Loved the idea of the Big Bad being humans. Got to see the Scoobies operate without Giles. Buffy has to deal with real realities on many fronts. Dawn gets some depth. Anya’s wit gets more attention. Willow becomes a wicked wiccan. Xander saves the world. [4] Season 1 — Sets the stage for everything to come. Introduces all of the characters nicely but does not reveal too much about any of them so that are plenty of stories left to tell. [5] Season 5 — Strong finish, but didn’t really get cranking until near the end. Joyce’s death makes Buffy grow up more and assume a big sister / mother / best friend / savior of the world role. Spike gets to be a good guy. [6] Season 4 — had some of the strongest episodes, but just didn’t add up as a whole. Riley was forced down viewers throats, Adam was just kind of lame, and the ending was flat out weak. Looking at the series as a whole, it was a nice tranision year (kids start college, Willow comes out, Giles takes over the Magic Shop) but couldn’t quite deliver the goods. Season 7 is lurking near the bottom of the pack right now, but a strong finish can bump it up a few slots.
We Tease Him A Lot Cause We Got Him On The Spot
Just wanted to welcome #2 back to the line-up. The Bombers have done quite well in his absence, but it’s nice to see the Captain return.
The Gates Opened
Been a day full of severe thunderstorm, flash flood and tornado watches and warnings. Got to hear the tornado warning siren blare, which was kinda cool (I always had a twisted curiosity about its sound). I was basically trapped at my house for a few hours when Baxter Street flooded. Centuries later and Athens still has streets only wide enough for horses and buggies and a drainage system fit for Flagstaff. Bless the planning forsight of our myopic county commission.
Time To Wear Funny Hats
If I get a bet in later, this is what I am leaning toward for the 129th Kentucky Derby — I like Empire Maker (6-5) to show, Indian Express (12-1) to place and Peace Rules (8-1) to win. Happy gaming to all those heading to the OTB.
I Don’t Give A FUUUUUCK
The time is upon us. My future will be set soon (where I don’t know). There is an odd comfort about walking into work and not caring if you still work there tomorrow. So, stop by and see me tonight, a good time will be had. Petron anyone?