Four thousand three hundred ninety two. That’s how many Roman Catholic priests have been accused of molestation. Does this warrant a Constitutional ammendment?
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
It’s Not Easy Being Green
Sure am glad Ralph Nader gave the Democrats something to bitch about. They’ve all been so sunshiney positive the past few years (I gotta develop that sarcasm font). But enough about the Dems, let’s bitch about the Greens (and every other third, fourth, fifth and 27th party). The major flaw (will just concentrate on one) is the shoot for the top philosophy. I can’t buy into the idea that having a presidential candidate gives the party legitimacy and a national face. All having someone at the top of the ballot accomplishes is to make the party a national punchline. All those millions that will be donated to Nader’s campaign could work wonders in state house and county commission races. It’s like someone complaining about the lack of minorities in Harvard med school while inner city elementary schools are using science text books that discuss how one day man will land on the moon (or that don’t mention evolution… oh wait). Construct a base and build on that. Thus our nation is seemingly generations away from a viable third party, as one of the big two works closer to extinction.
Staked
To the surprise of pretty much nobody, The WB “network” cancelled “Angel.” This may have surprsed some people though, those who thought the show had been cancelled years ago. The show was nitch programming. Sci-Fi/fantasy pulls in that loyal, but small, audience. The plots and story arcs were always hit/miss, but this show made up for that with some of the most amazing character development in television history. The greater tragedy in all of this is the fact the Joss Whedon now has zero shows on TV (down from three a little over a year ago). Compound that with Aaron Sorkin’s departure from “The West Wing” this season (and boy does it show) and the medium has lost possibly its two most talented writers. Bemoaning the decline of network television is rather cliche, but hey I can join in. It’s time for a new trend, right?
Fired? I Quit!
As best I can tell by NBC’s promos for “The Apprentice,” the big selling point of the show is not watching people use their business skills to win the opportunity to run a Trump company, but watching The Donald fire someone. All the ads just show pictures of big Manhatten buildings, then a close up of Trump saying “you’re fired.” Apparently the geniouses at GE think they could have a hit by Donald Trump just firing 44 people every Wednesday night (or is this show on Thursdays? Will they decide). The biggest problem I have at this show is that all of the contestents are already successful in the business world. It wouldn’t have hurt to toss in a couple of self-made high school drop outs. Maybe a bartender or waiter.
Top Albums of 2003
10 Ludacris Chicken N Beer
Chris Luva Luva has the Midas touch (he can even make a Missy Elliot song listenable). He drops phat beats, catchy hooks and damn entertaining lyrics. DTP Records is gonna be huge.
9 The Darkness Permission To Land
Putting the cock back in rock. I laughed these guys off when I was first made aware of them. It’s refreshing to see a band that is not afraid to be big, loud and over-the-top. Best of all, they get it.
8 Bubba Sparxxx Deliverance
This may have been the most pleasant musical surprise of 2003. The Mathis boy went in a different direction with his follow up and picked the right fork in the yellow wood. This one sounds much more Southern.
7 The Twilight Singers Blackberry Belle
This album is like a night out at a bar. It’s Loud. It’s smokey. It’s fun. It’s scary. It’s sexy. It’s dirty. It keeps bumping into you. It tries to charm you. It reminds you of why you came to the bar in the first place, to get drunk.
6 White Stripes Elephant
This was an album of the White Stripes being the White Stripes, but throwing a couple of changes in (such as Meg on lead vocals) just to make you wonder what else is to come.
5 Damien Rice O
An album you can put on in the background and kind of ignore or sit down for a listen and let it sink in. Most enjoyable either way.
4 Drive By Truckers Decoration Day
Southern boys singing about being Southern, even when they aren’t directly singing about being Southern. The best band to come out of Athens in a long time.
3 Jesse Malin The Fine Art Of Self Destruction
A New York bar owner singing about drinking and heartache. An album that makes you want to go into a room with a pen, a journal, a guitar, a bottle of whiskey and see what happens.
2 Outkast Speakerboxxx/The Love Below
Is this two albums or one? Does it matter? Does anybody not own this? Did anyone not weld it into their CD player the first few weeks after they bought it? The pride of Atlanta hip-hop just keep raising the bar with every album.
1 Ryan Adams Rock N Roll
My adoration and respect for Ryan Adams grew even more. He turned up the volume and actually seemed to smile. This album has several tunes that could be singles, they won’t be of course.
Hey Little Sister What Have You Done?
So Britney got married? Now I’ve woken up to some bad memories from the night before, but exiting my slumber to find I’d wed a multi-millionaire pop princess would not fall in that category. Yes, young Jason Alexander lived out the fantasy of many a man, young and old (and quite a few women). Notice how every article mentions his middle name so the public doesn’t think Britney married Duckman. If that were the case, I’m pretty sure Lyle Lovett and Julia Roberts would be bumped from the top of the most unbelievable celebrity weddings. But what everyone really wants to know, did Jason get to enjoy all of the wedding night perks? And if he did, will he wright a song about it? Did Britney view this as a career move. Is she trying to follow in the Carmen Electra mold? If so, there’s plenty of former Red Hot Chili Peppers to start dating. Or is she destined to host Battlebots next season? But most importantly, where did she find a wedding dress with anal cleavage?
A New Afternoon
Just found out Comedy Central will no longer be airing Saturday Night Live starting Jan 1. Great, now I’ve got to go get a day job.
Feeding The Unemployment Fund
The season is winding down and every extra dollar counts. I need this game.
DISCLAIMER: Friday was a cosmicaly convergent day, next year is a leap year, so split the difference and go big today.
TOP PLAY:
BC (-7 1/2) over Rutgers
It’s not quite Notre Dame-Miami, let’s call it Catholics vs. unconvicted convicts’ kids. The Eagles are 9-2 against the spread in their last 11 versus the Kinghts, and have won the past eight by an average of 38-16. Rutgers fights the real enemy but comes up short.
CHECK OUT:
Pittsburg (-1) over West Virginia
When this game is televised, I most feel for the WVa fans who have to sit on the floor and watch the TV after burning their couches for the VPI game. It all comes down to the West Virginia secondary agasint Larry Fitzgerald. I take Larry and the 1.
Iowa (-6) over Minnesota
The battle for the only ceramic pig more prestigious than the one I bought at the IGA on Tybee Isand. The Hawkeyes have covered in nine of the past ten battles for the Floyd of Rosedale. Glenn Mason regrets not having the opportunity to be fired from UGA, relishes the fact that his QB made it passed airport security, and then watches his team lose by over a touchdown.
Western Michigan (-9) over Central Michigan
This is the last game of a woeful conference season for the Chippewas. The Broncocs haven’t been the gaming goldmine they were the past couple of years, but they’re good for a few bucks here.
Colorado (-7 1/2) over Iowa St.
Playing that “they’re better than they’ve shown” card with the Buffs. It’s just a card so I have a 1 in 52 chance (provided the dealer remembered to remove the instruction card).
Notre Dame (-8 1/2) over BYU
If you do not play this game you are an atheist.
Boise St (-40 1/2) over UTEP
Okalhoma (-52) over Baylor
If common opponents mean anything in either of these two games, Cumberland College may get to finally breath a sigh of relief.
Kansas St (-2) over Nebraska
Despite the quality of the Bruce Springsteen album, I’m gonna take the guys in the grey helmets over the guys in the (now) grey shirts.
Oregon St (-14) over Stanford
The Cardinal will overcome the 2+ TD loss and still find a way to win the Sears Cup by fielding a men’s field hockey team and a women’s water polo team.
Cincinnati (+6 1/2) over TCU
I labeled the god-fearing boys from Fort Worth as my pre-season BCS buster, and I think they will be. However, these fellows of Southern religion have sucked dick like a Boston alter boy against the spread this year. It pains me to bet against my boy Gino Guidugli, but the Bearcats will take this one to OT for the second year in a row.
NC St (+13 1/2) over Florida St
In a game that (unfortunately) has implications on the SEC race, I for the second game in a row have to go with the Italian (Amato). But for some reason I’m not playing Louisville (-7 over Memphis). Maybe after a few waves of federal indicments against Russians I can look for such a trifecta. For now though, give me Phllip Rivers and let him go to Charlottesville and whip Matt Schaub’s punk ass and take back his 2002 ACC MVP trophy.
Arkansas St (+20 1/2) over North Texas
I chose this on the sole fact the UNT (against the spread) has fucked me enough times this year to make my virginty retroactive.
UNDERDOG OF THE WEEK:
Purdue (+3) over Ohio St
Dot that I, cross that T and take the Boilermakers in an outright upset that will make folks in Baton Rouge be really obnoxious. Granted, the sun rising on Saturday will have the same effect on folks in Baton Rouge.
AT HOME:
The Dogs (+7) can’t pass block, can’t keep their RB’s from running straight up, can’t convert on 3rd down, can’t convert in the red zone, and now have an undependable kicking game. The Tigers keep it close, the War Eagles cover the spread and the Plainsman win outright.
Auburn 27 – UGA 21
If your plays don’t go according to plan this week, don’t let it effect your Thanksgiving plans. Know that your local Golden Pantry sells Carl Budding turkey slices for $1.39 (and Carl Budding makes a damn fine turkey).
Fun At Work
employee : “Andrew, I think you have an anger management problem.”
me: “No, I have an anger distribution problem.”
Was That A Crossover?
I appreciate the WB wanting to get viewers of one show checking out another, but was it just me, or was the guy trying to kill Lana on Smallville last night one of the Wolfram & Hart Senior Partners from Angel?