Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

A State That’s Untouchable Like Elliot Ness

January 22nd, 2006

Needles, CA — Did the Grand Canyon today and I’ll just say WOW! I definately plan to go back and spend much more time. The abundance of natural beauty turns everyone into Ansel Adams. It’s almost impossible to take a bad picture there.
Arizona has no shortage of signs warning you about animals in the area. However, it’s difficult to make out which animal you are supposed to be looking out for. I would stare at these signs with an outline of a large mammal and think “Is that an elk? Maybe it’s a moose? Do they have caribu down here?” I mean how am I supposed to be on alert for moose if I’m busy looking for elk. While I was leaving the Grand Canyon traffic came to a halt. I thought maybe there was some type of exotic animal present. After reaching the cause of the delay I saw a bunch of people staring at and taking pictures of two freaking deer. God damn city folk. It’s a deer for crying out loud. I’ve seen them in the wild, seen them in petting zoos, seen them in my back yard, seen them in the grill of my car, seen them on my living room walls and seen them on my dinner plate. Fortunately traffic started moving again before a squirel showed up.
The price of everything was jacked up. Food, gas, hotel, you name it. Also, the town shuts down at like 8:00 PM and there was only one radio station. Kind of made me feel like I was back in New Orleans. But not so much since I was about 7,000 feet above sea level without a trace of humidity. My skin is drier than than a Pentacostal wedding reception and my poor lips took a beating.
There was still snow on the ground. It reminded me that we need more global warming. Because higher temperatures means less snow, and less snow means fewer snow boarders. Snow boarders are just skate punks who listen to crappier music and smoke a lot more pot.
Tonight I rest my head at a Motel 6. I parked next to a Mercedes. So you know what that means, somebody is having a low rent rendevue.
Tomorrow Los Angeles and San Diego.
MILES DRIVEN: 3351
STATES VISITED: 11

Color Me Stunned And Bedazzled

January 21st, 2006

Grand Canyon, AZ — New Mexico and Arizona are cold and snowy. Arid my ass.
Didn’t find much of a late night scene here (and by late night I mean 9:00 PM). This area shuts down pretty early in the winter. Hit town about 8:30. Checked in, took my luggage to my room, changed, freshened up, hit the streets and the side walks had been rolled up and put away for the evening. Can’t beat dinner from a hotel vending machine.
If you have never driven across the northern portion of NM and AZ (along Route 66 or I-40) make plans to do so. The scenary is gorgeous. Every time I topped a hill or rounded a curve my eyes popped my dick got hard and i droped my jaw. Then I excalimed “wow!” or “oh my god!” or “holy shit!” or “geepers!” or “gee wilakers!” If I took a picture of every breath taking view it would take months to drive that strip of road.
Alburquerque became the second city on my trip to bury the needle on the this city is a lot bigger than I thought it would be scale (Tulsa being the other). As a bonus, I can now correctly spell the name of New Mexico’s largest city on demand (thus winning me many bar bets if the waitress from “Roxanne” was telling the truth). While I’m sure Albuquerque has a vibrant night life, my hotel was one of those situations where I look out the window and think “Hmmm… do I get drunk at TGIFridays or do I get drunk at Applebee’s?” Sure I could take cabs, but that completely negates the awesome deal I got on the hotel. I could’ve spent the extra cash and been in the middle of the scene. Always remember, cheap hotels are cheap for a reason.
New Mexico is a funny place (I mean they didn’t even ask me for a passport). The welcome center had horse corrals. Like some one decided to take Trigger from Amarillo to Flagstaff via I-40, but needed to stop off and pick up some brochoures and a complimentary coffee. I stop at every state’s welcome center. Why you ask (or more than likely you don’t care)? FREE MAPS! It’s not that I’m cheap, just boning up for my cartographer exam.
Had a great ipod shuffle moment today. It went from David Cross’s bit about having a gay lover that looks like yourself and being able to basically fuck yourself into NWA’s “I’d Rather Fuck You.” Made me chuckle.
Nice to see Anderson Cooper back in New Orleans. I was moved when he spoke about how this city and these people needed to be kept in the spotlight. He said the nation had moved on, but the residents of the Gulf South haven’t. Really? When is the last time you were in town Anderson? I believe it was in early October when the old guy got beat up on Bourbon Street. And why are you back this week? Could it be because of something Mayor Nagin said on Monday? FUCK YOU NATIONAL MEDIA! I heard Fox News will dispatch Gretta Van Sustren to New Orleans just as soon as she finds the corpse of Natalie Holloway.
It was announced this week that erectial disfunction drugs have been linked to vision problems. And hack comedians around the world held hands and sang Kumbaya.
And speaking up comics, what’s up with this Kevin Garnett guy? He’s never even had a half hour special, but he already has a shoe deal with Adidas?
Men’s (where does that apostrophe go?) rooms have become increasingly automated. The toilet flushes automaticly, the soap dispense automativly, the sink turns on automaticly and now even the paper towels dispence automaticly. Next step automatic doors. Then the only thing I have to touch is myself. And a memo to powers that be, if you decide to make that process automated, put a personal touch in. There’s a world of difference between a cold pair of tongues and a pair that has been heated. And maybe I’ve developed a hankering for conspiricy theories because I have been to a few too many assasination museums this week, but sometimes I worry the sensor on the urinal has a camera in it.
Tomorrow I will see the Grand Canyon. Just a smidge behind that on my to-do list is a trip to Walgreens. I desperately need some personal hygience products. Because hotel soap is just a notch above patchuli on my desired smells.

I Ain’t Got A Dime But What I Got Is Mine

January 19th, 2006

Amarillo, TX — I spent the past couple of days in Dallas. Stories are limited, but the times were good. Spent some quality times with some good friends. If you’re ever in Dallas and need a quality B&B (emphasis on the first B and not the second, since wake-up calls don’t some until 2:00 PM), I recommend Case de Goode. It’s located in the M’s. Comfortable bed, nice bathroom and a damn good dog.
Congress is trying to enact new ethics legislation. Hmmm… Gonna go out on a limb here, maybe we could just elect ethical Congressmen and Congresswomen.
The federal government wants to prohibit Cuba from playing in the World Baseball Classic. The reason being, the embargo against Cuba. But Castro has said any money the team makes from this will be donated to Katrina victims. So, Fidel has said he wants to enter some of the finest baseball players in the world into a competition to determine the best baseball playing country in the world, and he will not only not accept and money from this, but will donate it to down and out Americans… AND THIS IS A BAD THING??? Little message to my folks in southeast Louisiana and southern Mississippi, support Cuba. It is a country that actually wants to help you. In the words of the fans from ‘Bad New Bears Breaking Training:” “LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY!”
The whole country is talking about the comments made by Mayor C. Ray Nagin (in case you didn’t know, the C stands for Chocolate) on Martin Luther King Jr Day. Funny that no one was talking about St Bernard Parish President Junior Rodriguez expressing his desire to see natives return while stating his desire to see the large number of Latino workers leave by saying “I like gumbo, I don’t like chilli.” I want to take this opportunity to say I have more love for this man than I knew possible for my jaded political self. Over the past 144 days he has delt with a situation no mayor has had to deal with ever… EVER! But he knows how to work the media. If you’ve ever seen, or heard, him regularly, you know he is one smooth character. He can play to different racial, social and economical groups with ease. And he knows how to work the media. Mayor Nagin knows when his city needs extra attention and knows how to get it. He may go on WWL with Garland Robinette and say “dog gone” and “god damn,” or he may pick a time when he knows he has an abundance of media in New Orleans and bust out a “Choclate City.” This man knows his city may be missing a news cycle and finds a way to move it back into the headlines. The nation has spent the past three days talking about his comments, but what has that done? It has moved New Orleans back to the front page. With the success of this week’s remarks, I think Mayor Nagin should quote George Clinton at every avaliable opportunity.
MEDIA: How do you see the future of New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Brother black, blood even, Yeah-ahh, just funnin’.
MEDIA: What are your personal plans for Mari Gras?
MAYOR NAGIN: Why must i be like that? Oh why must i chase the cat?
MEDIA: How should New Orleans residents react to the growing crime rate that comes with repopulation?
MAYOR NAGIN: Oh guard! Defend yourself!
MEDIA: How much influene do you think Governor Blanco should have on the rebuilding of New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Turn me loose, We shall overcome.
MEDIA: What do you think is the best way to reach racial harmony in New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Free your mind and your ass will follow.
MEDIA: If you could personally deal with New Orleans criminals, how would you do it?
MAYOR NAGIN: Let me shoot them with the bop gun.
MEDIA: How would you classify New Orleans natives?
MAYOR NAGIN: Endangered species.
MEDIA: How do you think New Orleans is progressing post Katrina?
MAYOR NAGIN: We got to get over the hump.
MEDIA: In the future, how would you advise people to act during a second line?
MAYOR NAGIN: To dance is a protection, don’t let your guard down, all you got to do is, call on the funk.
MEDIA: How are you dealing with the lack of health care in New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Now this is what I want you all to do: If you got faults, defects or shortcomings, you know, like arthritis, rheumatism or migraines, whatever part of your body it is, I want you to lay it on your radio, let the vibes flow through. Funk not only moves, it can re-move, dig? The desired effect is what you get. When you improve your Interplanetary Funksmanship.
MEDIA: What about citizens are unable to receive adequate health care?
MAYOR NAGIN: Somebody say, “Is there funk after death?” I say, “Is Seven Up?”
MEDIA: Have you dealt with all of the police officers who stole cars from Sewell Cadillac?
MAYOR NAGIN: Y’all should dig my sun-rooftop.
MEDIA: Is the New Orleans music scene coming back?
MAYOR NAGIN: I heard some funk with some main ingredients like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie. It was cool.
MEDIA: Do you have any further political apsirations?
MAYOR NAGIN: They still call it the White House, but that’s a temporary condition, too. Can you dig it, CC?
MEDIA: Where do you see New Orleans in relation to other American cities?
MAYOR NAGIN: There’s a lot of chocolate cities, around. We’ve got Newark, we’ve got Gary, somebody told me we got L.A., and we’re working on Atlanta. But you’re the capital, CC.
MEDIA: So you see New Orleans moving up?
MAYOR NAGIN: Gainin’ on ya! All up around your neck!
MEDIA: What about the residents that didn’t get their FEMA money?
MAYOR NAGIN: Hey, uh, we didn’t get our forty acres and a mule.
MEDIA: When the election is held, how do you feel about your chances for a second term?
MAYOR NAGIN: Ah, blood to blood. Ah, players to ladies. The last percentage count was eighty. You don’t need the bullet when you got the ballot. Are you up for the downstroke, CC? Chocolate city. Are you with me out there?
MEDIA: Do you think the plans for Bring New Orleans Back can be carried through?
MAYOR NAGIN: A chocolate city is no dream. It’s my piece of the rock and I dig you, CC. God bless Chocolate City and its gainin’ on ya! Vanilla suburbs. Can y’all get to that?
MILES DRIVEN: 2281
STATES VISITED: 8

Fever Dog, Scratching At My Back Door

January 16th, 2006

Stillwater, OK — Just left the Wresting Hall Of Fame. Was fun to see so many old faces and names. Really took me back to when I didn’t get winded bending over to tie my shoes. And yes, coach Dennis Hassart is in there (as is former Princeton team Captain Donald Rumsfeld). George Washington and Abraham Lincoln also made the cut. Kurt Angle was in there, but no mention of his European or Intercontinental titles, or his win at King Of The Ring.
I was amazed at my personal navigation skills. I obtained directions to Stillwater, but forgot to actually get directions to my hotel or the Wrestling Hall Of Fame. It helped a little that both were on Hall oF Fame Dr, but still I had to find that street. A bit of advice for everyone who I’ve never told. When you are lost, don’t stop at a convenience store to ask directions, this is usually a fruitless endevor. Instead, stop at a Domino’s, they know where everything is, and have a large map. Also, as I was driving through Mississippi, there was a sign advertising the resturants at the next exit, and it featured Domino’s. Maybe the chain has branched out, but I usually don’t think of it as a sit down or drive-thru dining option. Am I supposed to call ahead and have the driver meet me at the exit? And if so, shouldn’t the advertisements have been at least 30-35 miles away?
Yesterday I toured the William Jefferson Clinton Presidential Library. It was about as exciting as any other Presidential Library I’ve ever been visited. My favorite item was Hillary’s Grammy. If I had a more public forum, I would always introduce here as a Grammy winner. “And we are now joined by Grammy winning Senator Hillary Clinton.” “Senator Clinton, as a Grammy winner, how do you intend to vote on the foreign aid bill?” You may say, “hey big deal, even Men At Work won a Grammy.” And I say “Hey, big deal, Ted Stevens has been a Senator for six terms.” But nothing could capture the sheer tackiness of the Clinton Museum Store. WOW! Clinton CDs, Clinton bobbleheads, Clinton books, Clinton posters, and yes, even Clinton action figures. After a while, I was fully expecting to see car stickers with President Clinton pissing on an elephant.
Like most cities with a river running thorugh it, Little Rock has established a bar, resturant and shoping district down by the water. It was fairly nice with some neat litle establishments and good eating. I was rather enjoying myself at one bar, the had a phenominal beer selection and an easy-going, background blending, acoustic cover duo. The fellow next to me struck up conversation, and I soon realized he was sizing me up for something. He shook my hand a few too many times, kept saying my name and even complimented my shoes. I ruled out that he was hitting on me. Then I thought, mayber he wants me to join his cult. I am so not doing that again, my hair just grew back. Finally he gets around to it. He works for this company, and he sell these products independently, there’s a great comission, etc. As continues his pitch, I start asking questions about the company’s set up. Sure enough, if he brings in additional salesmen, he gets a cut of their sales. This guy was trying to hook me on his pyramid scam (if you’re not sure what these are, do a little research on Aflac, it will answer all of your questions).
I bailed on that scene and found another place that looked interesting. There was a $5 cover. I have a rule, you must have one drink for every dollar of cover you pay. My thinking is, the lowere the cover, the shittier the band, so I won’t need to be there as long. As it is, I don’t even expect the band to be good anymore, I just don’t want them to be too loud. A saddle up in an ideal bar position. In front of the register and next to the Jager machine. It was a typical Saturday at a bar I’m guessing is pretty cool during less peak hours. The tolerable cover band of middle-aged guys belting out all the classics while a couple of desperate housewives who were about four appletinis into their evening were shaking their hips on the 1s and 3s to “Pour Some Sugar On Me.” Later on in the evening I was privy to one of my favorite kinds of drunk girls, the one that gets way to into the “whoo-hoo” part of Kool & The Gang’s “Celebration.” That chick always cracks me up.
The early last call in Little Rock was a bit disapointing, but led to an unexpected treat. I was back in my hotel room in time for a marathon of Madden Nation. And I passed out happily ever after.

But Do I Really Feel The Way I Feel

January 14th, 2006

Memphis, TN — Some enlightened individuals have decided to make drastic cuts in our nation’s National Guard. That makes sense. Because the nation is already engaged in military conflicts in two nations, with at least a third on the horizon, and the federal government has proven it does not have enough personel to handle domestic situaitons, so yeah, get rid of more of these folks. The National Guard in the past few years (and especially in the past few months) has proven they are needed far beyond the one weekend a month that is required. Thank you again for fucking over the citizens and soldiers of this country. The one area this administration could be counted on was a strong national defense, and even now that is being willingly weakened. There better at least be a tax cut involved (not that it will trickle down to me).
If I needed more proof that January was not the best time of the year to do a big cross country trip, I spent last night in Southern city walking through sub 40 degree weather and driving rain. Everyone around me was acting as if the appocolypse was upon us, i just laughed and walked on… wind in my face, rain saturating my wardrobe, alcohol flowing through my bloodstream. I’ve seen worse.
The tour through the National Civil Rights Museum was intersesting. A man had a booth set up outside telling people about how this was the National Civil WRONGS Museum. I was rather curious about this and wanted to engage him in some stimulating dialouge, but it was cold, and raining, so I opted for the warmth and shelter of the former Loraine Motel. I will spend much time wondering what his position was, and even if he turned out to be a crackpot, I will admire his dedication to the cause (sitting out ther despite the less than ideal climate).
As I toured the museum (accomponied by the voice of Ozzie Davis) I felt my chest swell with pride as I saw the number of Georgians prominantly involved in the Civil Rights movement. Then I realized while it was cool that John Lewis, Andrew Young and Julian Bond were all right in the thick of things it hit me that maybe this wasn’t such a good thing. If so many Georgians were involved, that meant they probobly got involved because there were so many civil rights violations in Georgia. So I guess I am proud that so many of my home folks were ignorant fucks so that so many of my home folks could be courageous. I wondered going in how the museum would play non-black civil rights issues. The introductory film made mention of the plight of Asians, Americna Indians, Latinos, Jews and gays, but they were basically never mentioned again (except for a brief mention of the Catholics and Jews in the display for the March On Washington). There was also attention paid ot the fact that Rosa Parks was not the first person to be arrested for refusing to observe the bus seating policy in Montgomery (just the best to fight the fight). And there was a slight mention of the Black Panthers and Nation of Islam. The museum did a good job of highlighitng the hard work and struggles of some of the lesser known heroes of the civil rights movement, and gave at least a nod to those who weren’t in the King camp. And they put the display covering the MLK assasination (along with the hunt for and trial of James Earl Ray, and some alternate theories) across the street in an almost completely seperate institution.
MILES DRIVEN: 1034
STATES VISITED: 5

Hurricane Season Is Oficially Over

December 1st, 2005

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable