Sioux Falls, SD — I drove through Idaho, Montana, Wyoming and almost all of South Dakota. Beautiful scenery, but not much else. There is like no litter at all up here. Those adopt-a-highway folks must work really hard. They are definately not the absentee parents highways usually have. You know the ones who only show up once a month. I wonder if they ever call these nobel citizens to help clean up the snow? “Look here boys. You don’t just get to come out on the sunny days and run around in orange vests playing grab ass. You chose to adopt this highway, and parenting a highway is a serious responsibilty. So get to shoveling.” Just off I-90 in Sturgis I saw a startling sight. A freaking subdivision. Now don’t get me wrong, I have zero interest in ever living in South Dakota. But if I chose to move out here, it would be because of the lack of population density. I think every person in the state has their own county. Liceanse plate read things like A4. Why would you want to be crammed in around a bunch of other people? I saw Mount Rushmore. It was underwhelming. I don’t think it was because of the sub freezing temperature, or the miserable drive. It just wasn’t that impressive. Maybe if I could have gotten closer (like North By Northwest closer) and grasped the size and scope of the chizzling. Then maybe I would realize that George Washington’s nose is bigger than my apartment and might be sufficiently whelmed. Oh well, time to get back across the Mississippi River.
MILES TRAVELED: 7363
STATES VISITED: 18

Coeur D’Alene, ID — I had a whale of a time in Seattle. It is one of those cities I’ve always wanted to visit. So much art that I love has originated from there (the whole grunge thing, Jimi Hendrix, Sir Mix-A-Lot, a couple of excellent Cameron Crow movies). It is a beautiful city. Snow covered mountains and (as best I could tell) clean waters surronding it in every direction. My hotel was in the Queen Anne section. Out of my window was a view of the Space Needle.
I grabbed a quick and cheap dinner at Dick’s (it is indeed where the poor hang out). I did a little walking, and a little exploring. However, it was quite cold and rather windy so I found a little pub to settle into. I had a nice series of random drunken conversations with random drunken strangers. I was half-assed paying attention to the Olympic coverage on the bar’s TV. Until I noticed the coverage was coming from the CBC. That perked me up. I have very little experience with Canadian TV. I rather enjoyed the experience. There was a lack of fluff pieces and only one host handling the anchoring, analysis and interviews. Some guy from Calgary won what I believe was skeleton, and this seemed to excite the Canadians.
After a few dark beers and a few Jagers, it was time to retire for the evening. It was at this time I realized a tiny quirk about hotels. See, some hotels put the name of the hotel on the room key. Some do not. They either have a generic key, or some type of advertisement for pizza delivery. This can be troubling when traveling (OK, and drinking). Sometimes I do not remember which hotel I am staying at that particular night. When in doubt, I can just hop in to a cab, pull out the key and tell the driver where to take me. This is much more effective that the occasional “take me to the cheap place with the parking garage that’s a few blocks from Denny’s.”
I was going to check out the Space Needle, I mean that’s what you do in Seattle right? However, my economic sensability deemed a $14 elevator ride to not be a good investment. I also considered touring the Experience Music Project. It looked interesting, just not $19.95 interesting. So, I plopped down $13 to spend the afternoon in the Science Fiction Museum and Hall of Fame. I consider this an excellent use of both my time and money.
About ten seconds into the tour I realized I was nowhere close enough of a science fiction fan to properly enjoy the museum (it was a Star Trek exhibit, which drew nothing more than a shoulder shrug from me). I was impressed with the way the museum presented science fiction as a whole. It wasn’t just some fan boy’s wet dream. The whole museum centered around the theme that all science fiction is based on questions that start “what if?” There was analysis of the history of science fiction and its social impacts. Seeing as how I have read science fiction pretty much never, much of this was lost on me. I was just disapointed at the lack of attention paid to Battlestar Galactica and Buck Rodgers. They did have an entore display devoted to the 80’s Flash Gordon movie. This made me smile.
Afterwords I just drove around for a little while playing this game where I would point at places and say aloud to myself “That was in Singles,” or “That was in …Say Anything.” Then it was time to head east (seeing as how I couldn’t really go any further north or west). I pretty much drove every inch of I-5. From Tiajuana to Vancouver, I was there. I drove through some majecstic mountains that had recently experienced some serious snow (it was all packed up on the side of the road, someitmes even obstructing road signs). One thing I will say about the state of Washington, its crime rate must be ridiculously low. People there are even afraid to speed. It was almost impossible to find anyone on the interstate going in excess of 65 MPH (and the speed limit was 70 MPH). As I zoomed along at what I deemed a reasonable rate, I saw some flashing lights in my rear view. Turns out they were being directed at me. The trooper informed me of my car’s speed and the difference between that number and the posted speed limit (turns out the one assigned to my car was the larger of the two). He asked for my state issued identification that proved I could legally operate a motor vehicle. Turns out he was from Lake Charles. We had a little hurricane chat and then he sent me on my way with only a stern safety warning. Tomorrow continues the drive of hell across the plain states. This will be a good opportunity for me and my ipod to bond. Damn I love that little piece of machinery. If it had a hole I’d… feed it a cupcake (oh you didn’t think… that’s gross).
MILES DRIVEN: 6095
STATES VISITED: 15

Portland, OR — I currently am south of sober and north of the 45th parallel. That means I am drunk and closer to the North Pole than I am to the Equater. I had my longest travel day thus far. San Francisco to Portland was a haul, but a beautiful journey. This is a majestic land in which I live. Before this trip is over, I’m gonna end up being some tree hugging enviornmentalist. There is some amazing beauty in the west, and I want people to stay away from it. On a completely unrelated note I was watching the E! News ticker earlier and saw it scrawl “The company that released the Paris Hilton sex tape plans to release a tape featuring Kid Rock and Scott Stapp.” There were some other words after that, but I didn’t read them. This will be the hottest and best selling celebrity gay sex tape ever.
Jumping back into reality, the City By The Bay was one of my favorite stops. The city offered everything, good sites, good culture, good food, good times and most importantly good friends. Big thanks to Heather and Oleg for their hospitality and company. I hadn’t seen either of them in over four years and that was far too long. Also got to check out the San Francisco comedy scene with Matt Morales. This marked the third time I had ever seen Matt and the first time a strip club wasn’t involved.
The trip up from Los Angeles was mainly a high speed afair. It’s going to be hard to adjust when I get back east and can’t spend hours driving in excess of 90 MPH. Going into the city I crossed the Bay Bridge. I quickly renamed this the GOD DAMNED THREE MOTHER FUCKING DOLLAR BRIDGE. I later changed my tune when I found out the Golden Gate Bridge cost $5. Even though I am a huge Raiders fan, I neglected the oportunity to stop off in Oakland. After crossing the bridge I had an idea for a new reality show. Take people from south Louisiana, give them a car with manual transmission and film them driving in San Francisco. I think the quantity of fatlaities would be offset by the quality of entertainment.
The first night featured a scrumptious Italian meal in North Beach (including a dish I had never tried before). While walking to the resturant, we encountered a blackout. This didn’t phase my host (because apparently this is not an unusual occurance in San Francisco) or me (becuase I had some familiarity in dealing without a lack of electricity). Dinner conversation was largely populated with Katrina talk. This was the first time in months I’ve been in a situation to relive the days of late August and September. It was interesting to go back there again. After dinner Heather and I went out in the Mission. We discussed our happening-way-to-soon mid-life crisises. And I saw maybe the coolest thing I’ve seen on all of my journeys. We stopped by a bar called Amnesia which was having their blue grass Monday. Neat enough, but the performer was Toshio Hirano. He is a middle-aged Japanese gentelman who is an exceptional blue grass musician. He would play some Jimmy Rogers, then some Hank Williams, then some Jimmy Rogers, then some traditional cowboy songs, then some Jimmy Rogers, then more Jimmy Rogers, and what the hell, toss in some Jimmy Rogers. It was a surreal experience to see this man up there performing these tunes, but you got lost in that because he is REALLY good. And his stereotypical modest Japanese between song banter just sold the deal. If for any reason I am ever doing some type of tour, I totally want this guy opening for me. And I inplore all who read this to stop by and check out his show if you are ever in the Bay Area. Later that night we went to a bar that was a formerly a beauty parlor, and retianed most of the equipment, but added a kissing booth. Good times all around.
The next day me and Heather cashed in her rain check for a Segway tour. I can totally see why these little devises didn’t quite catch on, but they are fun to drive. If you ever want to feel like a total dork, ride through a city wearing a helmet, gloves and a floresent vest while driving a Segway. Not that me or Heather gave a fuck, but we were not oblivious to the fact. We knew we were being cheeseball tourist and reveled in it. Afterwords we grabbed some lunch at Taylor’s then picked up Oleg for a life changing experience. We stopped by 826 Valencia. This was by far the best pirate store I have been to on my current excursion. Yes they sold skull & crossbone flags. Yes they sold puffy shirts. Yes they sold eye patches. No they didn’t sell lard. You had to barter for the lard.
The next day I ventured out on my own. I saw Lombard St and Union Square. I hung off the front of a cable car. I shopped a spy store. Yes, a pirate store and a spy store on consecutive days. No one should be allowed this much joy. That night I met up with Matt and he took me too the Punchline and Cobb’s. I got to see some quality comedy and meet some cool folks. Then we grabbed some food at the Grubstake. There is a certain group of my friends who will understand why I couldn’t stop giggling the entire time I was at this resturant.
Right now I look out my window and see Portland Meadows. Those horses must me cold. But I have to give it to Oregon, you have more rest stops than I have ever seen. They seemed to almost equal the number of exits. And after visiting Los Angeles, Las Vegas, San Francisco and Portland I have almost completed the tour of cities featured in the Grand Theft Auto series.

Las Vegas, NV — I just had what was quite possibly the most boring day anyone from out of town has ever had in Sin City. Most of my day was spent haggling with my hotel and trying to get my FEMA code to go through (apparently the computers were down). This meant I was stuck at this fine lodging facility. Once all of that was cleared up, I took care of some important business. I did some laundry, stopped by Kinko’s and did a little shopping at Walgreen’s. All things I’m sure I could have done just as effectively in Branson, MO.
My time in California was quite enjoyable. I must say that for a state so large (both in square milage and population) it was stunning to see the lack of Civil War monuments. I suppose people out here don’t care much about history.
I made my California stage debut last week. There are so many amazing and talented comedians out there and I had the good fortune to work with several of them at a couple of different shows. Weber’s in Receda has a quality room (or had, the place was sold, and the show I did there was their last). It was hosted by Tim Mars who was gracious enough to squeeze me into his lineup. Some would look at that show and say I bombed, they would be right. Of course I enjoy being arrogant and saying “the crowd wasn’t sophisticated enough for my material.” It’s nice to see years of being away from politics hasn’t hampered my ability to churn out some Grade-A bullshit. The next night I was able to get stage time at The Greek Palace in San Diego. Thanks to Sean Kelly for finding a slot for me. It was a strong room. The crowd was attentive and involved. Also the largest crowd I’ve performed in front of in quite some time (200+). I opened the show. This was an interesting situation seeing as how I was unfamiliar with the room and the city period. I had no idea how they would respond or what went over. Turns out they liked me. Also thanks to Mark Serritera, who bartends at the venue and also performs. He took great care of me as both a comic and a drunk. And a huge debt of gratitude is owed to Rosie Tran for pointing me in the right direction on these shows.
And since I’m throwing out gratitude all over the place, thanks to Matt, Tom and Cassy for giving me a comfey couch (and to Charlie and Dakota for all the wake-up calls, nothing to break you from a slumber like having your feet licked). And another big thank you to Beckie for giving me my first good haircut in over six months (at an amazing bargain). I knew that one day my knack for being nice to young, attractive, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, big-breasted women would pay off.
I watched the Royal Rumble at the Hooter’s in Pacific Beach. For those of you that missed the PPV, it sucked the sweat of a dead man’s balls. Any card that features Mark Henry in the main event is surely doomed (even Kurt Angle couldn’t make that work). I had expected a much bigger pop for Rey Mysterio Jr winning the Rumble since I was watching it in the 619.
Another State of the Union, and our country is still fucked. Before the speech a woman was arrested. I dare not even speak her name, thus giving her more of what she craves — attention. This so stopped being about her son a long time ago. You are not a great leader, you are a media whore. I supported you at one time, I no longer do. Please go lead a private life. As has been noted, President Bush made what could generously be described as a passing mention of the Gulf Coast. Why? Well, would you like to publicly recall quite possibly the biggest fuck up of your career? Hey federal government, New Orleans hears your silence, it is deafening and speaks volumes. The President recently said in order to facilitate federal funding, Louisiana needs a plan. I ask what is the plan for Iraq? Does this impact the military funding? Oh yeah, bring democracy. Got some bad news, just because people vote, doesn’t mean they will vote for the desired candidates (Hamass anyone?). What is the plan for alternative energy? Exxon-Mobile reports record earnings after spending the fall whining about the damages sufferd from the Gulf Coast hurricanes. Are you fucking kidding me? The President was right, our nation is addicted to oil. What’s the rehab plan here? The Iowa Cauceses are 24 months away so nobody has to pretend like ethynol is a good idea. The only solution that has a chance is some type of alternative fuel source. Americans (myslef included) love cars, love driving and love living in heated homes. I don’t have an answer, but science was never my strong point. After decades of bitching about this nation’s dependancy on foreign oil, shouldn’t some smart person somewhere have come up with something? I guess nobody wants to be the next Tucker.
In the same week two different segments of the media gets to overanalyze a significant event. The sports media is busy looking at the Super Bowl from more angles than exists in a techtohedron. And the news media gets to break down the State of the Union. CNN went so far as to have a guy with a telestrater. This wonder of modern television was used to show us which side of Congress was standing or sitting after certain comments in the speech. I was still somewhat confused until the journailst (?) started using red and blue to distinguish between the Democrats and Republicans. Like it matters. Democrat or Republican, all three branches are fucked. The federal government works like the human digestive system, it doesn’t matter what you put in, it all comes out the same.
MILES DRIVEN: 4152
STATES VISITED: 12

Hollywood, CA — Southern California has been good to me. Seen some amazing sights (both natural and quite unatural) and some great people.
My first night in San Diego I went to dinner with a friend of mine. The two of us joked about how our rather fetching waitress probobly thought we were quite the cute couple. The resturant was a family stlye Italian place with enormous portions. So, we decided to split an entree. The next time she stopped by the table we were discussing his apartment search in West Hollywood. When our bill was delivered, our suspisions about our waitress’s suspisions about us were confirmed.
We capped off the night by taking in some dodgeball at a country and western bar. This was more or less what I expected. A mixture of a competitive athletic endevour, a crowd, alcohol and objects being thrown at peoples’ heads led to some near brawls. Unfortunately, a full fledged riot never broke out. There were the teams and individuals that took it way too seriously. Some had uniforms. Some had startegies. The most amusing aspect was the complete unwillinglness of the players to leave when eliminated. I would thing there would be some level of honor in bar dodgeball. I would be wrong. The referees (all five of them) would practically have to drag these guys off the court.
The next day we went hiking in Lajolla. I was privy to some breathtaking views. We found a great peak overlooking the Pacific Ocean. We had a bunch of surfers to our left and a nude beach to our right. A brisk uphill hike is an all too painful reminder of how much my cardiovascular health has deteriorated. After a refreshing shower and an old man nap it was time for a rolicking evening. The bulk of the evening was spent hanging out with a couple of young ladies who were both recently single and needed some cheering up. And you what cheers a lady up in a time like this? Well, apparently, it’s pajamas, board games and loads of MTV produced reality programming.
Today we made the trip up to LA. It’s amazing how fast things move out here. I was in town for less than 24 hours and already had opportunities on stage, as well as in front of and behind the camera. I may hang around here for a while.