The White House announced today that the United States has sold Louisiana back to the French. Not the entire Louisiana Territory, just the state of Louisiana. The US also attempted to sell Arkansas to Spain, but instead accepted a counter offer from the Walton family.
When asked about the sell at his afternoon briefing, White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan started sweating profusely then ran into the hallway where he promtly defecated in Helen Thomas’s messenger bag. After a quick shower, he returned with more details. “We bought the land in 1803 for $15 million and sold it back for $45 million. The way we look at it, we just made $30 million, and that doesn’t even factor in depreciation and coastal erosion. Those suckers didn’t get back hardly any of the wetlands.”
News of the purchase was met with glee in Paris. French Prime Minister Dominique de Villepin said “a bunch of stuff in French.” After realizing most of the press corpse was not bilingual, Francois Barloin, Minister of Overseas France, began taking questions. “This gives our government a great opportunity,” he said. “Our nation has been suffering trough weeks of riots because so many of our citizens are unemployed. Well, with all the clean-up and rebuilding Louisiana needs because of Katrina and Rita, we’ll be able to provide them with much needed jobs. I’m mean hey, why should all of those jobs go to Latinos?”
Louisiana Governor Kathleen Babineaux Blanco was excited about the opportunity to interact with French officials. “I think they will look at me as a Joan of Arc, seeing as how we both have the same haircut as a 14-year-old boy.”
Officials in San Juan are thrilled with the news. They expect to be named the 50th state, to prevent everyone from having to buy new flags.
When told about the implication of French as the official language, Uptown New Orleans resident Budroux Broussard expressed anger. “They gonna tell me how to talk? I live on Carrollton Street. Rue de la Carrollton, huh? Those French faggots are gonna rue the day they tried to come in here.” He then stumbled away, tripped over the abandoned street car tracks and was last seen passed out in a puddle of his own vomit on the neutral ground.
Metarie teenager Allison Breaux seemed unfazed by the news. “Maybe they can keep Lakeside Mall open past 6:00 PM.” She did express concern over learning the metric system, but had a solution. “My meth dealer said he would break it down for me. He’s got scales and everything.”
The news was not received well in Chalmette. Millard Dupree, a local bondo salesman, and the area’s wealthiest resident, exclaimed “I’m from Da Parrish brah!”
The White House has already announced plans for military action against Louisiana. Intelligence sources reported that citizens were able to purchase hand grenades right on the street in the French Quarter. Also the state suffers from problems with democracy. Not a lack of democracy, but an abundance of it. Not only are citizens allowed to vote, but they are not necessarily limited to only one ballot. Also, since voting rights are not bound to the mortal coil (many Louisiana residents continue to punch ballots well after they are deceased) right to die laws will overhauled after the US Armed Forces have reclaimed control of the land.
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