Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

*cough bullshit cough* | Andrew Healan

*cough bullshit cough*

May 25th, 2006

When I first moved to LA I realized quickly that I didn’t fit in. People out here were different than me. Realting to folks was difficult. I would often times be at dinner, or at a club, and be completely left out of conversations. You see, I didn’t watch American Idol. Me and my roomie started recording the episodes so that we would no longer be social outcasts. I have decided to keep a diary of tonight’s finale. Times will not be used because (1) I’m watching the west coast feed and (2) I am timeshifting with the DVR.
There’s some blonde girl and everyone is cheering. I think she’s the girl that won before that’s not the black one or Kelly Clarkson. Hey it’s a white party, but not one of the cool ones like hip-hop artists throw. Kat’s working some major league cleavage. Emmy for the wardroe department. Old guy’s stylist missed the cow lick. Did a 13 person number really need a back up chorus?
Seacrest is dressed like a Man In Black, or a Blues Brother or a Mormon Missionary or a Hasidic diamond merchant. Take your pick. He’s also working not one but two mics. The editors are having fun making the judges (although, you, America, are the real judges) look like morons. Randy says “dude” and “dog” a lot. Paula can’t keep her dosage regulated. Simon is arogant. He also likes to touch his face frequently. Didn’t know he rolled so much. No package for Ryan.
Who gave those twin girls mics? Don’t they know that microphones amplify your voice so you don’t have to yell. Kids die their hair grey? And judging by the family freindliness of the event, it seems the children have done this with their parent’s aproval, if not encouragement or possibly even assistance. That’s just sick. They’re having Kat’s party at City Walk? That sucks. I has hoping for a little more coverage of the EssOhh.
Paris is working some Al Jarreau. Holy shit! There’s Al. He’s aged pretty well, but still makes those stroke victim faces when he sings.
Oh geez. Creed boy is singing with Live. They worked better with Tricky. Live has really gone adult contempory. I would hate this song even if douchenozzle wasn’t taking a share of the lead vocals.
Looks like they’re going to be making fun of Kelli for not knowing about seafood. Someone must’ve watched Newlyweds. “I’m gonna be traveling the world touring.” Oh Kelli, I admire your optimism. And now she mispronounces words. HAHAHAHA. She also doesn’t know what escargo is. Instead of teaching her about food, maybe someone should teach her how to do her eyebrows.
Meatloaf has another Bat Out Of Hell album coming out? His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. His name is Robert Paulson. Man’s still got pipes. These two are not working well together. Kat’s two for two on the cleavage sporting dresses. I wonder how these artists feel about playing second fiddle to reality show wannabes? Nevermind, I”m sure the already under contract musicians are happy to be on network television.
David Boreanaz in the house. I don’t think I can give a bigger compliment to him or the show Bones than this — when I watch that show I don’t think of him as Angel.
Mock awards show. Look out MadTV. I can’t make fun of them making fun of other people. And isn’t this what they did back in January?
More with Kelli Doolitle. She’s scared of the lobsters. Now she’s sneaking up on the lobsters like she’s Steve Kerwin. You can’t go wrong with the country mouse goes to the city bits.
An American Idol male group sing. Thank you shitty music gods. They chose BTO. I’ve got $20 that says at least four of them can’t keep this 1/4 beat. They let old dude bring his harmonica. Look out, it’s a medley. Bad dancing, enhanced by terrible stage moves. This may be the least metal moment in television history. They’ve got a teleprompter with the lyrics. DAMN IT! This REALLY IS kareoke.
They got free cars, and Taylor pantomimed starting the engine. Enjoy your 12 month lease on that Mustang. I wonder who gets which one? Winner get first choice, or the other way around as a consolation prize? My pick? I like the black one. He is good Ghostbuster.
Who’s the inbred cheering for Elliot’s mom? That was scary. Elliot’s gonna bust out One. You’re no Bono, or Michael Stipe or Johnny Cash. Mary J. Blige has covered this song as well. It’s on the verge of becoming the modern Yesterday. I like that Mary moved Elliot’s hand to the beat (and damn near threw him into the front row). The poor kid was lost on that stage.
Underwood is singing again. Keep showing up Kerry. You’ll be out from under that 19 Records contract before you know it. Do they have an order of succession for American Idol? Like if the winner dies or poses for Penthouse or something, do they move the next one up? Or does the position remain open until next May?
My poor ears. Taylor is busting out In The Ghetto again. And it’s a duet with Toni Braxton. The fuck? Did they just throw names in one hat and songs in another? Up next, Keith Sweat and the Little River Band perform Fly Me To The Moon.
The females are doing a Shaina song. Good choice. I mean if Shania can sing it, can’t be that tough. Uh oh, here comes the medley. Fox seems to be focusing Kat’s camera on the shoulders up. Even though this is her first non boobarific outfit tonight.
Look it’s KD Lang. No, wait, Clay Aiken got new hair, maybe even some work done on his face. And just gave his doppleganger a masturbatory moment for life.
I didn’t know Burt Baccarach had a new album to promote. All the guys are in tuxes and all the girls are in matching dresses. This is like the world’s lamest wedding party. And here’s Dionne Warwick. I can’t believe I’m seeing this performance without getting a free buffet and a $10 slot voucher. This show is gonna kill in Tunica next week.
Wow! MOTHER FUCKING PRINCE! OK, this was totally worth 90 minutes of my life, just for that. Yes he is still the man. MOTHER FUCKING PRINCE!
One more quick song before the results huh? Time Of My Life? Whatever. While they sing, did you hear that some producer is sampling She’s Like The Wind for a hip-hop song? The world is ready for a Swayze comeback. Patrick or Don, either will do. Speaking of Swayze, the Roadhouse sequal was supposed to be filmed in New Orleans last fall. I was so looking forward to being near that. Fuck you Katrina. And Fuck you Army Corps of Engineers.
And now, at last, the results. 63.4 million votes? Your American Idol is… Taylor Hicks. My three sons of bitches. Wait, was Hasselhoff crying? Don’t worry, you may still get a cameo in the Knight Rider movie.
I just checked outside. Despite all the love for homegirl, there is no rioting in Sherman Oaks. That’s right, I was expecting (maybe even kind of hoping) to see people looting the Ralph’s on Ventura Boulevard or burning down the In-N-Out on Van Nuys Boulevard. No such luck.
Time to go back to the drawing board. It’s official… democracy does not work.

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable