Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

I Ain’t Got A Dime But What I Got Is Mine

January 19th, 2006

Amarillo, TX — I spent the past couple of days in Dallas. Stories are limited, but the times were good. Spent some quality times with some good friends. If you’re ever in Dallas and need a quality B&B (emphasis on the first B and not the second, since wake-up calls don’t some until 2:00 PM), I recommend Case de Goode. It’s located in the M’s. Comfortable bed, nice bathroom and a damn good dog.
Congress is trying to enact new ethics legislation. Hmmm… Gonna go out on a limb here, maybe we could just elect ethical Congressmen and Congresswomen.
The federal government wants to prohibit Cuba from playing in the World Baseball Classic. The reason being, the embargo against Cuba. But Castro has said any money the team makes from this will be donated to Katrina victims. So, Fidel has said he wants to enter some of the finest baseball players in the world into a competition to determine the best baseball playing country in the world, and he will not only not accept and money from this, but will donate it to down and out Americans… AND THIS IS A BAD THING??? Little message to my folks in southeast Louisiana and southern Mississippi, support Cuba. It is a country that actually wants to help you. In the words of the fans from ‘Bad New Bears Breaking Training:” “LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY! LET THEM PLAY!”
The whole country is talking about the comments made by Mayor C. Ray Nagin (in case you didn’t know, the C stands for Chocolate) on Martin Luther King Jr Day. Funny that no one was talking about St Bernard Parish President Junior Rodriguez expressing his desire to see natives return while stating his desire to see the large number of Latino workers leave by saying “I like gumbo, I don’t like chilli.” I want to take this opportunity to say I have more love for this man than I knew possible for my jaded political self. Over the past 144 days he has delt with a situation no mayor has had to deal with ever… EVER! But he knows how to work the media. If you’ve ever seen, or heard, him regularly, you know he is one smooth character. He can play to different racial, social and economical groups with ease. And he knows how to work the media. Mayor Nagin knows when his city needs extra attention and knows how to get it. He may go on WWL with Garland Robinette and say “dog gone” and “god damn,” or he may pick a time when he knows he has an abundance of media in New Orleans and bust out a “Choclate City.” This man knows his city may be missing a news cycle and finds a way to move it back into the headlines. The nation has spent the past three days talking about his comments, but what has that done? It has moved New Orleans back to the front page. With the success of this week’s remarks, I think Mayor Nagin should quote George Clinton at every avaliable opportunity.
MEDIA: How do you see the future of New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Brother black, blood even, Yeah-ahh, just funnin’.
MEDIA: What are your personal plans for Mari Gras?
MAYOR NAGIN: Why must i be like that? Oh why must i chase the cat?
MEDIA: How should New Orleans residents react to the growing crime rate that comes with repopulation?
MAYOR NAGIN: Oh guard! Defend yourself!
MEDIA: How much influene do you think Governor Blanco should have on the rebuilding of New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Turn me loose, We shall overcome.
MEDIA: What do you think is the best way to reach racial harmony in New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Free your mind and your ass will follow.
MEDIA: If you could personally deal with New Orleans criminals, how would you do it?
MAYOR NAGIN: Let me shoot them with the bop gun.
MEDIA: How would you classify New Orleans natives?
MAYOR NAGIN: Endangered species.
MEDIA: How do you think New Orleans is progressing post Katrina?
MAYOR NAGIN: We got to get over the hump.
MEDIA: In the future, how would you advise people to act during a second line?
MAYOR NAGIN: To dance is a protection, don’t let your guard down, all you got to do is, call on the funk.
MEDIA: How are you dealing with the lack of health care in New Orleans?
MAYOR NAGIN: Now this is what I want you all to do: If you got faults, defects or shortcomings, you know, like arthritis, rheumatism or migraines, whatever part of your body it is, I want you to lay it on your radio, let the vibes flow through. Funk not only moves, it can re-move, dig? The desired effect is what you get. When you improve your Interplanetary Funksmanship.
MEDIA: What about citizens are unable to receive adequate health care?
MAYOR NAGIN: Somebody say, “Is there funk after death?” I say, “Is Seven Up?”
MEDIA: Have you dealt with all of the police officers who stole cars from Sewell Cadillac?
MAYOR NAGIN: Y’all should dig my sun-rooftop.
MEDIA: Is the New Orleans music scene coming back?
MAYOR NAGIN: I heard some funk with some main ingredients like Doobie Brothers, Blue Magic, David Bowie. It was cool.
MEDIA: Do you have any further political apsirations?
MAYOR NAGIN: They still call it the White House, but that’s a temporary condition, too. Can you dig it, CC?
MEDIA: Where do you see New Orleans in relation to other American cities?
MAYOR NAGIN: There’s a lot of chocolate cities, around. We’ve got Newark, we’ve got Gary, somebody told me we got L.A., and we’re working on Atlanta. But you’re the capital, CC.
MEDIA: So you see New Orleans moving up?
MAYOR NAGIN: Gainin’ on ya! All up around your neck!
MEDIA: What about the residents that didn’t get their FEMA money?
MAYOR NAGIN: Hey, uh, we didn’t get our forty acres and a mule.
MEDIA: When the election is held, how do you feel about your chances for a second term?
MAYOR NAGIN: Ah, blood to blood. Ah, players to ladies. The last percentage count was eighty. You don’t need the bullet when you got the ballot. Are you up for the downstroke, CC? Chocolate city. Are you with me out there?
MEDIA: Do you think the plans for Bring New Orleans Back can be carried through?
MAYOR NAGIN: A chocolate city is no dream. It’s my piece of the rock and I dig you, CC. God bless Chocolate City and its gainin’ on ya! Vanilla suburbs. Can y’all get to that?
MILES DRIVEN: 2281
STATES VISITED: 8

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable