Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Feeding The Unemployment Fund

November 15th, 2003

The season is winding down and every extra dollar counts. I need this game.
DISCLAIMER: Friday was a cosmicaly convergent day, next year is a leap year, so split the difference and go big today.
TOP PLAY:
BC (-7 1/2) over Rutgers
It’s not quite Notre Dame-Miami, let’s call it Catholics vs. unconvicted convicts’ kids. The Eagles are 9-2 against the spread in their last 11 versus the Kinghts, and have won the past eight by an average of 38-16. Rutgers fights the real enemy but comes up short.
CHECK OUT:
Pittsburg (-1) over West Virginia
When this game is televised, I most feel for the WVa fans who have to sit on the floor and watch the TV after burning their couches for the VPI game. It all comes down to the West Virginia secondary agasint Larry Fitzgerald. I take Larry and the 1.
Iowa (-6) over Minnesota
The battle for the only ceramic pig more prestigious than the one I bought at the IGA on Tybee Isand. The Hawkeyes have covered in nine of the past ten battles for the Floyd of Rosedale. Glenn Mason regrets not having the opportunity to be fired from UGA, relishes the fact that his QB made it passed airport security, and then watches his team lose by over a touchdown.
Western Michigan (-9) over Central Michigan
This is the last game of a woeful conference season for the Chippewas. The Broncocs haven’t been the gaming goldmine they were the past couple of years, but they’re good for a few bucks here.
Colorado (-7 1/2) over Iowa St.
Playing that “they’re better than they’ve shown” card with the Buffs. It’s just a card so I have a 1 in 52 chance (provided the dealer remembered to remove the instruction card).
Notre Dame (-8 1/2) over BYU
If you do not play this game you are an atheist.
Boise St (-40 1/2) over UTEP
Okalhoma (-52) over Baylor

If common opponents mean anything in either of these two games, Cumberland College may get to finally breath a sigh of relief.
Kansas St (-2) over Nebraska
Despite the quality of the Bruce Springsteen album, I’m gonna take the guys in the grey helmets over the guys in the (now) grey shirts.
Oregon St (-14) over Stanford
The Cardinal will overcome the 2+ TD loss and still find a way to win the Sears Cup by fielding a men’s field hockey team and a women’s water polo team.
Cincinnati (+6 1/2) over TCU
I labeled the god-fearing boys from Fort Worth as my pre-season BCS buster, and I think they will be. However, these fellows of Southern religion have sucked dick like a Boston alter boy against the spread this year. It pains me to bet against my boy Gino Guidugli, but the Bearcats will take this one to OT for the second year in a row.
NC St (+13 1/2) over Florida St
In a game that (unfortunately) has implications on the SEC race, I for the second game in a row have to go with the Italian (Amato). But for some reason I’m not playing Louisville (-7 over Memphis). Maybe after a few waves of federal indicments against Russians I can look for such a trifecta. For now though, give me Phllip Rivers and let him go to Charlottesville and whip Matt Schaub’s punk ass and take back his 2002 ACC MVP trophy.
Arkansas St (+20 1/2) over North Texas
I chose this on the sole fact the UNT (against the spread) has fucked me enough times this year to make my virginty retroactive.
UNDERDOG OF THE WEEK:
Purdue (+3) over Ohio St
Dot that I, cross that T and take the Boilermakers in an outright upset that will make folks in Baton Rouge be really obnoxious. Granted, the sun rising on Saturday will have the same effect on folks in Baton Rouge.
AT HOME:
The Dogs (+7) can’t pass block, can’t keep their RB’s from running straight up, can’t convert on 3rd down, can’t convert in the red zone, and now have an undependable kicking game. The Tigers keep it close, the War Eagles cover the spread and the Plainsman win outright.
Auburn 27 – UGA 21
If your plays don’t go according to plan this week, don’t let it effect your Thanksgiving plans. Know that your local Golden Pantry sells Carl Budding turkey slices for $1.39 (and Carl Budding makes a damn fine turkey).

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Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable