Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

Olympic Thoughts

August 21st, 2004

Why is it that athletes from Asian countries dominate table tennis and badminton but have yet to make a serious dent in the world of tennis? It’s nice to see trampoline in the Olympics. Can monkey bars be far behind?

My Bad

June 12th, 2004

I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. I owe a HUGE apology to Dave Perno, particularly for all of those Ron Jirsa comparisons. It’s a great day to be a Bulldog.

Post Season Hair

June 7th, 2004

First off a big FUCK YOU to my cable provider for having the network stations out all weekend. It’s not like I missed the third leg of the Triple Crown, game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals or game 1 of the NBA Finals or anything. But that’s not the topic at hand. Playoff hockey has so many great traditions, and many a writer has waxed poetic about how other sports should pick up these rituals. I nominate one of these to be adopted by the NBA, but with a slight twist. The NHL has playoff beards, so the Association should have playoff fros. Somebody get me David Stern on the phone.

Feeding The Unemployment Fund

November 15th, 2003

The season is winding down and every extra dollar counts. I need this game.
DISCLAIMER: Friday was a cosmicaly convergent day, next year is a leap year, so split the difference and go big today.
BC (-7 1/2) over Rutgers
It’s not quite Notre Dame-Miami, let’s call it Catholics vs. unconvicted convicts’ kids. The Eagles are 9-2 against the spread in their last 11 versus the Kinghts, and have won the past eight by an average of 38-16. Rutgers fights the real enemy but comes up short.
Pittsburg (-1) over West Virginia
When this game is televised, I most feel for the WVa fans who have to sit on the floor and watch the TV after burning their couches for the VPI game. It all comes down to the West Virginia secondary agasint Larry Fitzgerald. I take Larry and the 1.
Iowa (-6) over Minnesota
The battle for the only ceramic pig more prestigious than the one I bought at the IGA on Tybee Isand. The Hawkeyes have covered in nine of the past ten battles for the Floyd of Rosedale. Glenn Mason regrets not having the opportunity to be fired from UGA, relishes the fact that his QB made it passed airport security, and then watches his team lose by over a touchdown.
Western Michigan (-9) over Central Michigan
This is the last game of a woeful conference season for the Chippewas. The Broncocs haven’t been the gaming goldmine they were the past couple of years, but they’re good for a few bucks here.
Colorado (-7 1/2) over Iowa St.
Playing that “they’re better than they’ve shown” card with the Buffs. It’s just a card so I have a 1 in 52 chance (provided the dealer remembered to remove the instruction card).
Notre Dame (-8 1/2) over BYU
If you do not play this game you are an atheist.
Boise St (-40 1/2) over UTEP
Okalhoma (-52) over Baylor

If common opponents mean anything in either of these two games, Cumberland College may get to finally breath a sigh of relief.
Kansas St (-2) over Nebraska
Despite the quality of the Bruce Springsteen album, I’m gonna take the guys in the grey helmets over the guys in the (now) grey shirts.
Oregon St (-14) over Stanford
The Cardinal will overcome the 2+ TD loss and still find a way to win the Sears Cup by fielding a men’s field hockey team and a women’s water polo team.
Cincinnati (+6 1/2) over TCU
I labeled the god-fearing boys from Fort Worth as my pre-season BCS buster, and I think they will be. However, these fellows of Southern religion have sucked dick like a Boston alter boy against the spread this year. It pains me to bet against my boy Gino Guidugli, but the Bearcats will take this one to OT for the second year in a row.
NC St (+13 1/2) over Florida St
In a game that (unfortunately) has implications on the SEC race, I for the second game in a row have to go with the Italian (Amato). But for some reason I’m not playing Louisville (-7 over Memphis). Maybe after a few waves of federal indicments against Russians I can look for such a trifecta. For now though, give me Phllip Rivers and let him go to Charlottesville and whip Matt Schaub’s punk ass and take back his 2002 ACC MVP trophy.
Arkansas St (+20 1/2) over North Texas
I chose this on the sole fact the UNT (against the spread) has fucked me enough times this year to make my virginty retroactive.
Purdue (+3) over Ohio St
Dot that I, cross that T and take the Boilermakers in an outright upset that will make folks in Baton Rouge be really obnoxious. Granted, the sun rising on Saturday will have the same effect on folks in Baton Rouge.
The Dogs (+7) can’t pass block, can’t keep their RB’s from running straight up, can’t convert on 3rd down, can’t convert in the red zone, and now have an undependable kicking game. The Tigers keep it close, the War Eagles cover the spread and the Plainsman win outright.
Auburn 27 – UGA 21
If your plays don’t go according to plan this week, don’t let it effect your Thanksgiving plans. Know that your local Golden Pantry sells Carl Budding turkey slices for $1.39 (and Carl Budding makes a damn fine turkey).

The Real Curse

October 17th, 2003

After weeks and weeks of hearing everyone spout off about “curses,” I think it’s time to get to the real curse. While the Babe Ruth purchase can be looked back on as a not so wise move, it was a financial one. Had it not been for the money obtained from sending Ruth to New York, there may not even be a Boston Red Sox today. Ruth was many things, the game’s ultimate power hitter, a phenom of a pitcher, a lover of life, but he was not a Vodoo Priest. Wade Boggs was the guy who liked bringing dead chickens to Fenway. The real “curse” that has plagued the Red Sox for the past 80+ years is that they play in the the same league and division as the winninest team in pro sports history. Over the past few generations, many Boston teams have had enough talent to win a World Series. However, they just weren’t better than the Yankees in those particular years. Stop blaming it on Ruth, stop blaming it on Bucky Dent, stop blaming it on Bill Buckner (but feel free to blame Grady and Pedro). And how come only the Red Sox and Cubs are cursed. The White Sox haven’t been to a World Series since 1919. And what about the curses on the Astros, Rangers, and Mariners. How about the curse of the Washington Senators? Those guys will never win another championship. Yes improbable things happen when the Yankees and Red Sox play, but just take it for what it is, players playing better and managers managing better. Leave the mystic stuff out of it.

Taking Your Man To The House

October 17th, 2003

Things turned around a bit last week. Any and all broken bones, lascerations and contutions I sufer from were self inflicted in a drunken rage.
DISCLAIMER: All picks made with my head, my heart is too exhausted after the ALCS.
USC (-8) over Notre Dame
The Pope has looked better this year than the boys that play for his cult. Were this game in late November, The Irish might obtain some type of weather advantage. But this weekend the men of Troy roll and then watch the scoreboard like only a non-Top 2 BCS team can.
Wazzu (-10) over Stanford
How are these guys this good? How did they lose to Notre Dame? Who is Bill Doba? The boys from the second worst place for a major college in the nation keep rolling toward those big Pac 10 showdowns.
North Texas (-14) over Utah St
The rule still stands, North Texas in a Sun Belt game is almost always a good bet.
Syracuse (+3 1/2) over BC
This is one of those rare hunch games. No stats to back it up.
Cal (+3 1/2) over UCLA
The Bears take the LA sweep. Tedford will win this one with that Berkleyesque brain of his.
Michigan St (+6) over Minnesota
It’s time to expose these two teams as the Big Ten(11) pretenders and contenders that they are.
This ain’t a lookover game. The Dogs are all banged up (again) but facing an atroscious Vandy team. Loads of second and third string action. All viewed from the comfort of my home for a mere $29.95. UGA 38 Vanderbilt 10.
I hope for a calming Saturday so I can get through Game 1.

Being A Bulldog On Saturday Night

October 12th, 2003

Parting was sweet sorrow on “Seperation Saturday.” UGA and USC both have commanding victories and look to move into the Top 5 after excusable early season losses.
My mind drifted back to how unjust I thought the Ray Goff firing was. My mind drifted back to how happy I was when Glen Mason announced he wasn’t coming to UGA. My mind drifted back to how happy I was when Jim Donnan accepted the job on X-mas day. My mind drifted back to how unjust I thought the Jim Donnan firing was. My mind drifted back to how happy I was when Mark Richt accepted the UGA job.
I had reached a point where I just wanted UGA to be able to compete with the big boys in the East. Now, I think they have reached the goal that my buddy Norm set out — “Be that bad-ass team that everybody hates.” I look forward to the day (next year) where I get the same looks wearing my UGA cap as folks have gotten for wearing their Miami caps the past couple of decades.
The Sean Jones fumble return will go down in Bulldog lore. David Greene made himself a legit Heisman contender (although he’ll have to pry it from Kevin Jones cold dead hands). Billy Bennett’s kicks wobbled through the uprights. Georgia overame yet even more injuries and penalties. And I hope David Pollack had the courtesy to give Michael Munoz a reach-around after making him his bitch all night long.
A loss to LSU can just be schrugged off like a mild cold. It’s mid-October and my team is in the Top 5. They are no worse off than they were on Spetember 19. Just need one fluke upset to put them in the Sugar Bowl (and give me a reason to spend another New Year’s Eve in New Orleans).
41-14. god damn it feels good to be a Bulldog on Saturday night!

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable