If you needed reasons to buy the Harvey Birdman Attorney At Law season 1 DVDs I have a few:
(1) It is a really good show.
(2) Commentaries that inform you about ditties such as where the bear came from.
(3) Auditions for the voice of Harvey by Stephen Colbert and Todd Barry.
(4) Over the main title menue is the song “Birdman Kicked My Ass” by the late Wesley Willis.

I experienced one of the most disturbing moments of my life a short while ago. At 9:08 AM (CST) on Mothers’ Day (where does that apostrophe go by the way?) a woman stood atop a bar. She then raised her bottled beer aloft and asked for all the mothers in the establishment to hoist their drinks in salute. Sadly, quiet a few women obliged. Then, they had a toast. I wish I had a video of this moment to show at all future pro-life rallies.

Any time I can find a reason to encourage me to go to the gym I try to take it. My latest is ipod peeking. I walk up to a machine and pretend to be looking at how much time is left. Actually, what I am doing is peeking at the current tune being played on their mp3 device. It provides me with yet another way to judge and ridicule my fellow humans. Can there ever be enough of those?

Thanks to the wonders of search engines, I will carefully word this post. Yesterday a guy plead guilty to some heinous crimes. He got off far too lightly. Buy me a beer and I will expound upon this for hours.

Nothing to spice up an afternoon trip to the market like hopping out of your car and almost stepping on a hypo. Because unlike almost stepping on a rusty nail, my thoughts were not on how long it has been since my last tetanus shot.

These were some of my favorite quotes I read today. Feel free to take them out of context.
“Lies, lies, lies, that’s all I am hearing. They should look at Wendy’s. What are they hiding? Why are we being victimized again and again?”
“The simple fact of the matter is that the finger came from somebody. Where’s that person at?”
“This is a very good place for secret meetings. And there’s no risk: it’s normal for a girl to come here to buy drugs.”
“I was shocked. I almost dropped the french fries.”
“Whenever I travel, people ask me where I’m from: New York or L.A.? And when I say Cincinnati, they say ‘Why?’ My answer to them is always the same: ‘You’ve obviously never been there.'”
“The column is new so you’ve got to read it and see. It’s all new. It’s new and exciting. There’s no more two-headed babies or anything like that. It’s all new, no lies. It’s fresh. It’s clean. It’s great. You’ve got to read it and see.”
“Direct removal of a live leech might be difficult because of its powerful attachment to the mucosa and its slimy and mobile body.”
“One guy said he wouldn’t mind if it squirted water on him, which is kind of weird.”
“He had been briefed on the duck and he stopped to pay a visit.”

What is the point of the ten items or less express lane at the grocery store if the ten item rule is not enforced? I can see maybe letting someone slide with eleven or twelve items, but once the number of goods being purchased starts pushing 20, I think the window for acceptance has been exceded. Why not just program the scanners so that they shut off and total the purchases after ten items? Make it refuse to ring up the eleventh item. Surely such technology exists or could easily be created.

I think it’s a safe indicator that my life is teetering on the brink of destruction when I discover a short cut to work that involves me walking THROUGH a casino.

After a while the whole beads for boobs things does start to get a little stale. You reach a point where you can tell from half a block away which girls will flash, and whether or not you want to see them flash. Then you must decide what to do with this metric ton of plastic trinkets at your disposal. So, a game of H-O-R-S-E starts. You pick out an item (a sign, a lamppost, a trash can) or a person (the guy in the red shirt, the guy in the tank top, the guy in the jester hat) and try to nail them with an arching basketball like shot. With cheap beads on a windy night it can be somewhat challenging. As always, for more fun, place side bets.

I finally had a noteworthy Mardi Gras moment last night. Now, for years to come, I will be able to fascinate people at parties with my stories of throwing beads off a balcony with Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go’s.