After a while the whole beads for boobs things does start to get a little stale. You reach a point where you can tell from half a block away which girls will flash, and whether or not you want to see them flash. Then you must decide what to do with this metric ton of plastic trinkets at your disposal. So, a game of H-O-R-S-E starts. You pick out an item (a sign, a lamppost, a trash can) or a person (the guy in the red shirt, the guy in the tank top, the guy in the jester hat) and try to nail them with an arching basketball like shot. With cheap beads on a windy night it can be somewhat challenging. As always, for more fun, place side bets.
Andrew Healan
New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable
Posts by author Andrew
Sureality
I finally had a noteworthy Mardi Gras moment last night. Now, for years to come, I will be able to fascinate people at parties with my stories of throwing beads off a balcony with Jane Wiedlin of the Go-Go’s.
Not Respecting Their Roots
With all the hoopla surrounding last year’s Super Bowel halftime show we get a nice, safe very rich guy this year (he used to be in a band or something). But here’s the thing — the game is in Jacksonville. And who is the most famous act to ever come from Duval County? Why Lynyrd Skynyrd of course. How can they not be a part of the show? I know the current touring group is a bastardized version of the original, but c’mon, a nod to your roots Jacksonville. But please, please, keep Fred Durst looked away.
Cardinalneck
Last night I was out in the suburbs to eat at one of my favorite restaurants when I saw a sign for St. Cletus Church and School. Now I don’t know my Catholic saints that well, but St. Cletus? As in the slack-jawed yocal? Is he the patron saint of Copenhagen? Are there little statues of him on the dashboards of monster trucks?
Would You Like To Be Fired With That?
After a horrendous season two, The Apprentice is back again. I just can’t stay away. Maybe it’s because this show started the same week I quit my job last year, I identified with the concept. And the first season was cast wonderfully, the second season, well I convinced myself to like a couple of the candidates, but I really didn’t, the whole season was like watching a Tennessee-Florida game. So this is street smarts versus book smarts, in case you weren’t sure, it was mentioned approximately 2,457 times during this 90 minute episode. So, we can already eliminate half of the field from the field of potential winners. Anyone who has watched this show knows that Trump has a raging boner for degrees. However, the edumakated ones immediately showed their ignorance by naming their team “Magna,” as in Magna Cum Laude. You think maybe they would have gone for “Summa” as in Summa Cum Laude what with it being a more prestigious degree distinction and all. Why not just named your team the Silver Medallists, or the It’s An Honor Just To Be Nominateds or the Buffalo Bills (oops already taken). Once again the contestants start the season in a task that in no way, shape or form allows them to display CEO qualities (but there was CMO qualities, but I’ll hate on Danny later). Here were my first impressions on the wannabes that actually made an impression.
Tara — Gets my vote for the hottest chick on the show. She is one of three black contestants (and two black females, which has to be a record) and thus far appears to be sane.
Tana — Is that even a name? If it’s short for something, I haven’t figured it out yet. A bulldog peed on her, then the camera zoomed in on the puddle. Or maybe it was just stock footage from the Osbournes.
Kristen — Who?
John — He has a big head (as best I can tell someone in the casting department has a thing for guys with big heads). Seemed like a nice guy, a solid leader and did a great job of not being an overbearing leader (a refreshing change of pace for this show).
Craig — The black guy… that owns a shoe shine business. Are you kidding me?
Chris — Who?
Brian — He has a big head (I mean that Viking helmet must have been like an 11 3/4). He got bleeped twice while at a fancy dinner with his potential boss (or maybe he has Turrets, which if I’m correct we haven’t seen on reality TV yet). He is into urban legends but I gather has never read snopes. Also he should look into clip on ties, because that knot thing appears to be beyond his abilities (or maybe it’s Carpal Tunnel). So let’s look into Brian, dressed up like a cowboy, possible pituitary gland disorder, possible spontaneous profanities, possible manual dexterity problems. Should be fun.
Audrey — Who?
Angie — Who?
Danny — Who brings a musical instrument to a job interview? Somebody please take that guitar and go El Kabong on his ass (or at least Bluto Blutarski). What was that church bizarre looking Bozo rip-off game he set up? And the dancing, singing, playing the guitar thing? Me thinks someone got to NYC a day early went to Time Square and saw the Naked Cowboy. Did he get his wardrobe from a Hate Ashbury thrift shop? And he likes to think “outside the box.” What is that? What is the box? What’s so wrong with being inside of it? I frown on the corporate jargon that plagues this show.
Todd — He has a large jaw. He was a No Fear salesman. He is fired.
Verna — The other black female. She has braids, so she must be bitchy and crazy. She did roll her eyes at Danny’s songs, so points for her there.
Michael — He has a big head.
Stephanie — She had good marketing ideas. Couldn’t stand up to Danny.
Erin — WOW! She cried in the first freaking episode. She couldn’t work a cash register. She apparently wore a pink bath mat for her confessional interview (and constantly flipped her hair).
Kendra — She was the first to have the balls to jump off the bash Danny train (not that I wouldn’t be in line to purchase a ticket). She’s got a little something we like to call potential, which I believe is an old Cherokee word for “ain’t done shit yet.”
Bren — Is that a name? Short for Brenda maybe? He’s a Southern attorney who wears a bow tie. YAY! It should be noted, he also has problems with ties. His was crooked for most of the episode.
Alex — The smarmy one? The gay one? I’m going with a lot from column A and a little from column B.
I hope this show avoids the pitfalls that almost made me stop watching last year. I come in with an open and optimistic mind. I have but one reality show vice, please make it worth my while. And props to Joey for the line of the night “My wife hasn’t been born yet.”
Hollybackwoods
If you give them tax breaks they will come. Southern Louisiana has been slap full of casts and crews for several big name pictures recently. Much of the filming goes on in the neighborhoods surronding my house (last weekend this included some of the chase scenes for The Dukes Of Hazzard). And yeah, nice for the local economy and all that, but damn it fucks up my work commute (all 2 miles of it) and errand running. While I do not view this as a worthwhile trade, the celebrity spotting has been quite fun. Well, really more so than the spotting is the stories I get to hear. So-and-so saw you-know-who at such-and-such place. Here are some of the folks I’ve heard tale of (and quite a few of whom have patroned my place of work): Sean William Scott, Jessica Simpson (but no yarns about Nick), James Gandolfini, Jude Law and Sean Penn. And I’m not the type to get star struck, but there are two movie people in the city that I would love to bump into: Lindsay Lohan (who was seen shopping a few blocks from my house the other day) and #1 on my list has to be Jackie Earl Haley (Kelly Leak from The Bad News Bears). And I hope the stylists are getting paid double time for having to creat hair and make-up that can withstand the New Orleans weather (also, I would like to solicit free advice from these hard working image creators).
Top 40 Albums Of 2004
40. The Secret Machines Now Here Is Nowhere
39. Gretchen Wilson Here For The Party
38. The Thrills Let’s Bottle Bohemia
37. R.E.M. Around The Sun
36. Ambulance LTD Ambulance LTD
35. The Walkmen Bows And Arrows
34. Brides Of Destruction Here Come The Brides
33. Tift Merrit Tambourine
32. Probot Probot
31. Chingy Powerballin’
30. Cake Pressure Chief
29. Toots & The Maytals True Love
28. Nancy Sinatra Nancy Sinatra
27. Holly Williams The Ones We Never Knew
26. A Perfect Circle eMOTIVe
25. Nellie McKay Get Away From Me
24. Franz Ferdinand Franz Ferdinand
23. Challenger Give People What They Need In Lethal Doses
22. Slum Village Detroit Deli: A Taste Of Detroit
21. Elf Power Walking With Beggar Boys
20. Todd Snider East Nashville Skyline
19. Ludacris Red Light District
18. Elliot Smith A Basement On THe Hill
17. Snow Patrol Final Straw
16. Nas Street Disciple
15. Handsome Boy Modeling School White People
14. Von Bondies Pawn Shoppe Heart
13. Badly Drawn Boy One Plus One Is One
12. Jesse Malin The Heat
11. Pat Green Lucky Ones
10. Bowling For Soup A Hangover You Don’t Deserve
9. Drive-By Truckers The Dirty South
8. Brian Wilson Smile
7. The Hives Tyranosaurus Hives
6. Prince Musicology
5. Green Day American Idiot
4. Killers Hot Fuss
3. Kanye West The College Dropout
2. Loretta Lynn Van Lear Rose
1. TV On The Radio Desperate Youth, Blood Thirsty Babes
Hitting On The 12 Days Of Christmas Against Chanukah’s 8 Nights
There is something rather unsettling about the casino at holiday time. I’m sitting there hoping the assclown next to me doesn’t decide to split his sixes with Jingle Bell Rock blaring over the speakers. I kept having flashbacks of the debut episode of The Simpsons, that just a few feet away from me some kid’s Christmas gift was riding on the pass bar. However it was nice of the folks running the casino to get into the spirit of the season with their decorations. All of the bright flashing lights were quite festive.
And The World Holds Its Breath
One of the more interesting aspects of my job is the large number of non-Americans I work with. They travel from all around the globe to earn a living here in the Big Easy. It’s like a UN meeting — Russia, Brazil, Mexico, UK, Australia, France, Vietnam, Puerto Rico and Hungary, just to name a few. I always find it interesting to get there perspective on foreign and domestic issues. There was an overwhelming nervousness from them in the past few days. As one of my European co-workers put it “Today you get to decide who rules the world.” This is a view-point that most of us never consider. Even more amazing was the all most universal opinion of this group that a Bush win is good for America but a Kerry win is good for the world. One of them actually said “If I was an American, I would vote for Bush, but as a Brit, I really want Kerry to win.” It’s past midnight, and CNN now seems to REALLY want to give the election to Bush, but figures they’re gonna be blasted by the Daily Show enough as it is. So they wait. Looks like we’ll have no prolonged battle for Ohio, which is good. I didn’t want Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young to have to write another song.
Spelling D-O-G
I am going to try to keep a running diary on today’s Georgia LSU game. We’ll see how this goes. All times are Central.
11:44 AM Someone called into the LSU pre-game show to ask one of the hosts (BillyJoe Hokideaux or something) “what do you think about today’s game?” Look jackass, these guys are gonna spend the next three hours talking about nothing other than what they think about today’s game. Could you narrow that down just a bit for us? Maybe a question about the O or D or a specific postion. Hell even a weather question.
1:32 PM During Georgia’s pre-game show there was a promo for georgiadogs.com. And the announcer made sure to emphasize “that’s dog with an O.” I guess that move up to 49th in average SAT didn’t have much of an impact on the Peach State.
2:19 PM An announcer on the LSU pre-game just brought up an interesting point that I had never thought of… Sanford Stadium is built so that the field goes east/west. Therefore, when the sun is setting it’s always in one team’s eyes. He also seemed amazed that when you enter the stadium at street level you’re actually halfway up the stadium because it’s built in a natural valley.
2:36 PM A suggestion for EA Sports. I was thinking of how LSU uses a runningback-by-committee approach. However, this is quite cumbersome to use in NCAA 2005. Pause, go to in game strategy, go to depth chart, sub guy, go back to game. To have to repeat this for every substituion is a real pain and slows the game down dramaticly (not to mention may earn you an ass whippin’ if you are playing against an actual person). So next year, how about a quick sub option? A simple request from a loyal customer.
2:41 PM Did West Virginia really just run a reverse into a halfback pass? And did it really just work? I couldn’t do that on rookie level against the Fire on Madden.
2:43 PM Nice interception there by James Griffin for VPI. However, I gotta think they deserved the excessive celebration penalty. Anytime an assistant coach runs onto the field to dry hump his strong safety a team should have to go back at least 15 yards.
2:46 PM I miss Jill Arrington. But the new CBS SEC sideline reporter is a cutey.
2:47 PM The net cast of Munson is at least a play behind TV. Sorry Larry, you’re going on mute.
2:48 PM Hey, UGA didn’t convert a 3rd down against LSU. That seems familier.
2:53 PM Ray Gant technically gets the sack but man Thomas Davis is a force. Other than Antrel Rolle, he may be the best defensive player in college football. Nice to see UGA get a blitzing sack on LSU. That’s a nice change.
2:57 PM There’s that LSU blitz. Nice to see David Greene has his fleet feet on today.
2:59 PM Great audible by Greene. I think all 10 of the other guys heard him. Danny Ware makes me smile. Things I will never get sick of hearing Munson say “There goes Danny Ware.”
3:01 PM The Sanford Stadium 25 yard line logo sure does look CGIed.
3:02 PM Reggie motherfuckin’ Brown! The passing attack looked great on the first drive. That may ease off the blitzing from the Tigers. A consistent outside passing attack beyond the 10 yard out mark will make for a good day.
3:09 PM Three and out. No complaints about UGA’s D so far. Pollack closes in on Tardits. Glad he didn’t suffer the anti-French sentiment form a couple of years ago. He’s an amazing story that did not and does not get enough credit. Here comes DJ. Glad people have stopped harping about the two QB situation at UGA. It’s so much different than LSU’s. Richt’s not going with a hot hand platooning system. Nice runn there DeeJ.
3:15 PM BIG TIME pass! People spend so much time talking about DJ’s speed they forget he’s got a world class arm. Reggie Brown is stepping it up. And the O line is giving their QBs time to throw. And it’s paying off.
3:18 PM Webster is shutting Gibson down. However, your other option is trying to pick on Daniels. Not much of an option.
3:19 PM Andy Bailey staying solid from 35 yards in. That’s good, because the red zone problems haven’t been solved yet. But hey two drives, two scores. I can handle that. I have no problem not seeing Ely-Kelso any more today.
3:23 PM Holy Moses. This game isn’t shaping up how I thought. Turnovers on the right side of the 50 butter my bread. Hey, Thomas Brown, you’re not Barry Sanders. You’re driving towards Tate not the Train Tracks.
3:25 PM One quarter in, ten points up, they passing attack has had success, got some solid running yards, have shut down the Tiger O, recovered a fubmle, three drives two scores. All these are good things. Think I’ll pop open a long neck.
3:29 PM David Greene can pick up a blitz. That might come in handy today.
3:30 PM Danny Ware! Did you hear me? I said Danny Ware!
3:32 PM The drought is over. Fred Gibson went up and got that one. Will Muschamp just swallowed his tounge.
3:34 PM Did UGA just kick the ball off into the end zone? How many seasons since that happened?
3:36 PM Guess who’s back. Odell is one bad mutha… shut your mouth.
3:37 PM Well it can’t be all good. Now Georgia’s got Massive Head Wound Danny in the locker room. (“He smells my dog.”)
3:39 PM 4 & 1. Going for it. BALLS OUT! Georgia’s moving on down (moving on down) to the east side (of the stadium) to a deluxe touchdown in the endzone. Blitz don’t work on the QB, CBs don’t cover on the sides. Took a whole lot of blocking, just to get that yard. Now we’re down in the red zone, getting our turn at six. As long as we live, I’m bleeding red and black and there ain’t nuthin’ wrong with dat.
3:40 PM Another Reggie Brown TD. I’m starting to believe.
3:45 PM JaMarcus just OD(ell)ed.
3:46 PM I’m sorry Chris Jackson but this is for real, i know this song sounds gay, but you’re gonna punting all day.
3:57 PM For those UGA fans feeling cocky right now, look what happened to Army. Actually don’t, it’s Army for crying out loud.
4:00 PM Gordo with the tackle. Give him a bone.
4:04 PM Addai give LSU there first big play of the game. That was a quality run. That team relly needs to get on the board before the half.
4:07 PM Dwayne Bowe did not just throw down a punk card on Greg Blue? Tell me he didn’t? Think he may pay for that later? I just hope Blue doens’t get so preoccupied with decapitating Bowe that he gets burned.
4:15 PM Exacatly when did Sheryl Crow decide she wanted to become a redneck? Singing with Kid Rock, doing Wrangler commercials with Lil E? Ain’t that a bit much? By the way, in the state of Mississippi, you can get your official and legal state plates with either a Dale or Dale Jr tribute on them. Complete with #3 or #8 and and driver’s signature.
4:17 PM FUCK! O can’t move. Shitty punt. Give up a field goal. My step is now less springy.
4:19 PM Half time.
5:04 PM Nice muff there by ole “Toaster Hands” Tim. Let’s hope that nickname doesn’t stick.
5:07 PM UGA needed that pass. The O has been stagnent. Gibson made Greene look good there. Up your butt Webster. And there goes Ware again. This drive is starting to come together. This sounds too obvious, but the Dogs really need a score here.
5:10 PM Gibson is eating Webster’s lunch now. That’s the Fred I remember from three years ago. Big time game from Fred (and Reggie) when the Dogs really needed it.
5:12 PM They just hit the over.
5:14 PM Xavier Carter just got the bone head of the day award. He will never, and I mean NEVER, live that down. He can break every receiving record at the school and when talking about him people will still bring up that play and show that clip.
5:18 PM Good field position, let’s put this one away boys.
5:20 PM 100+ for Danny Ware against the LSU D. Take that Cadillac.
5:21 PM Hello Sean Bailey, welcome to the David Greene Touchdown party. The bar is open, and set high.
5:29 PM (llll_) That’s my attempt at a holding four fingers in the air emoticon.
5:32 PM I would like to say that I am not opposed to seeing DJ finish this game out.
5:34 PM DJ is looking nice. solid run. Scary toss to Ware, but, hey, it worked.
5:35 PM Gutsy try by Brown. Really put his body on the line there. I personally think he caught the ball. And hey Deej, nice throw buddy. Yeah the drive stalled, but I liked what I saw.
5:38 PM And a kiss my ass to my local ABC affiliate for giving me the Colorado/Mizzu game. My buddy Rob seems to think that’s more geographicly appropriate than the Miami/Ga Tech game. I seem to think Atlanta is closer to New Orleans than Columbia.
5:42 PM What’s that coming down the track? Five sacks baby! Somebody buy Van Gorder a beer.
5:45 PM Hmmm? Why is Greene back in the game?
5:46 PM I like the Brown one. He is good running back.
5:53 PM TB for the TD. Tough running by the little guy (he’s my size). and 45 on the Tigers is something nice. Nice indeed.
6:06 PM I’m sorry Chris Jackson but this is for real, you’re gonna make Derek Dooley cry, you better apologize a million times.
6:07 PM Onsides kick? Heh, what the hell?
6:10 PM BALL GAME!
6:11 PM 45-16. Hey, UGA can score. I don’t think there is too much to complain about today. The Dogs are back on everyone’s national championship radar. On to the post game show featuring Tony Schiavone. That still cracks me up. This win will also make life between the river and the lake a bit easier for me. A Powerball win would really cap this night off for me. Thanks for anyone who made it all the way through this.