Vientiane, Laos PDR — This may very well be the most peaceful, laid back national capital in the world. It’s like the Mekong just picks up all the stress and hurry and takes it down the river. I’m nor sure where it ends up, but that’s not a city I want to visit.
This trip has given me more entrepreneurial ideas than I can keep up with. I want to open a dating service at a mall. This business will have large glass windows. Then, I go to modeling agencies and hire attractive people to come in and “sign up.” Other people will be walking by and see all of these beautiful people and think they have a chance to get hooked up with them and will thus come in and sign up. Can’t miss.
I have back-up plans though. Like my t-shirt company. Our shirts will use a special ink. In normal light, the shirt will say something along the lines of If Your Not Wasted The Day Is (sic). But, once you step under blacklight the shirt will read something like I Am Gay.
I’ve gotten pretty good at telling where white people are from on sight.
The t-shirts here kill me. Some are just random English words thrown together. Just Yankee Chevrolet. It’s like how they name the tacky overpriced souvenir shops in New Orleans. Where they just pick two Cajun and or Creole words and throw them together. I saw one man wearing a shirt that said Fired Chicken, Collard Greens, Black-eyed Peas, etc. Yes, apparently the menu from a soul food restaurant will work as a shirt. I got a good chuckle out of seeing a young Thai girl walk out of the MBK Center wearing a black shirt that in neon letters read It’s All Good In The Hood. But my favorite was a kid I saw on a train sporting a Nirvana (the band not the afterlife) shirt, which on the back spelled out the he was a “Fudge Packing, Crack Smoking, Satan Worshiping, Mother Fucker.” His parents must be proud.
In my room at the guest house I found a Thai edition of Penthouse. Very disappointing. Apparently in Thailand, pornography can’t be pornographic. No nipples, no pubes no dice.
Some people suggested I hit up the Philippines. These people apparently don’t read the news. Coupes and cyclones aren’t on my agenda. As a rule, I try to avoid places that are being blown up or blown away.
I was walking through a Wat and saw a dog playing with a dead pigeon. I’m trying to search for a deeper meaning there.
Here’s a nice travel trip when on planes, trains or automobiles. Bring a light jacket or fleece with you in case the air conditioning is too strong. But, put the jacket on backwards. This is more visual, but think about when you put a jacket on in a seat. So much stretching and hitting the person next to you. With the backwards thing, jacket goes on easy, you don’t bother anyone else, your back is against the seat and doesn’t need cover, and if the temperature changes, quick and easy to get off. Like I said, this may not seem like much in print, but when you do it or see it done, your life will be instantly improved.
I was kind of blown away by televised jet ski racing. Then I saw televised chess. That’s right. I saw televised chess. Move over televised poker, you’re no longer the most boring thing in broadcasting.
I sometimes get confused when trying to speak Lao or Thai and speak Japanese instead. Once, I accidentally busted out some Spanish. It would have been funny if I hadn’t caught myself. Just an Anglo, speaking Spanish, with an Asian accent.
I have been told I speak good English for an American. I tell these people that I speak well English. Then I flip them off, kick them in the stomach and drop them with a Stone Cold Stunner. USA! USA! USA!
As a child, I remember always seeing pictures or stock footage of Asian cities and almost everyone was riding bicycles. Those days are over. It’s scooters all the way. There are a few pedicabs, but that’s it. I saw two bicyclists today, and wouldn’t you know it, both were Americas. Because fuel efficiency be damned, we stil know scooters are gay.
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