Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable

I’m Gonna Need A Lot Of Bullets

June 23rd, 2004

So, should I kill all the members of the American Film Institute individually, or as a group? The top 100 songs from movies feature not one song from Purple Rain. Yes, not a single song. Nothing from Prince as a matter of fact. Hell, Under The Cherry Moon and Graffiti Bridge had better tunes than some of the crap on that list, but NO PURPLE RAIN? You figure at least the title track or When Doves Cry, but no. Maybe even a nod to Darling Nikki, the song that brought us warning labels on albums. Let’s Go Crazy was a seminal song from a movie that inspired a generation. But the AFI didn’t care. And who doesn’t love doing their pathetic attempt at the Prince voice when listening to The Beautiful Ones. Oh yeah, they also overlooked the Batman soundtrack. Other ommissions — Uncle Fucker (South Park: Bigger, Longer & Uncut), Sweat Of My Balls (CB4), Cry Little Sister (The Lost Boys), Lunatic Fringe (Vision Quest), You’re The Best (The Karate Kid), In Your Eyes (Say Anything…), Eye Of The Tiger (Rocky III), No Easy Way Out (Rocky IV), Litle Green Bag (Resevoir Dogs), Everybody Knows (Pump Up The Volume), What Is Love (A Night At The Roxbury), My Hero (Varisty Blues), I’m Alright (Caddyshack), Danger Zone (Top Gun), Tiny Dancer (Almost Famous), Ghostbusters (Ghostbusters), Oh Yeah (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off), Chloe Dancer/Crown Of Thorns (Singles), Cannonball Run (Cannonball Run), Blaze Of Glory (Young Guns II) and Damn It Feels Good T0 Be A Gangsta (Office Space).

Breaking The Big Story

June 18th, 2004

The guy that lived in my apartment before me forgot to cancel several magazine subscriptions. I have enjoyed the free offerings of Time and Entertainment Weekly. Then one day a magazine shows up wrapped in gray plastic. I thought “whoo-hoo, free porn.” Actually it was Out. The vast majority of the issue was dedicated to gay marriages. Then came the article titled “Is Madonna Over?” I began to wonder, if a gay publication is questioning Madonna’s staying power, then it may truely be the end. Then I decided the just recycle this article every time she releases a new album.

My Bad

June 12th, 2004

I am man enough to admit when I am wrong. I owe a HUGE apology to Dave Perno, particularly for all of those Ron Jirsa comparisons. It’s a great day to be a Bulldog.

Post Season Hair

June 7th, 2004

First off a big FUCK YOU to my cable provider for having the network stations out all weekend. It’s not like I missed the third leg of the Triple Crown, game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals or game 1 of the NBA Finals or anything. But that’s not the topic at hand. Playoff hockey has so many great traditions, and many a writer has waxed poetic about how other sports should pick up these rituals. I nominate one of these to be adopted by the NBA, but with a slight twist. The NHL has playoff beards, so the Association should have playoff fros. Somebody get me David Stern on the phone.

Petrofied

June 7th, 2004

I love my car, I really do. I bought MY first car, kept it for nine years, then bought basically the exact same car but nine years newer. Among its many wonderful qualities is fuel effeciency. Thank goodness, because the other day it costs me over $18 to fill the tank. Without a doubt, a record. I would think living in the world’s secondest busiest port, gas prices would be more reasonable. Afterall, we’re getting first dibs when it hits American soil right? I wondered if I could go down to the docks and buy some bootlegged gas. Just some guy standing on the corner, wearing an overcoat in 90 degree weather claiming his stuff is just as good as what you would get at the stores (“Is like Exxon.” “Has Texaco guts.”). You go up and have that awkward exchange of slang and euphamisms, then he opens his coat and slips you a milk jug filled with go juice. Then he starts to haggle about the price (just my luck not to bring any 9/10 cent coins). But this could effect the actual drug market. What about those poor souls who use tractor fuel when cooking up their meth? Surely they’re feeling the pinch just like the rest of us. Yup crime and gas, they go hand in hand. Why aren’t more criminals staking out the pumps. If you see someone pull up with a big honking SUV, you know they got some dough. But during these trying times, I have found a way to use the soaring fuel prices to my advantage. I now keep only about 1/8 of a tank in my car. Knowing that if any would be theif makes it past my top of the line anti-theft system, they will look at the fuel gage and leave me car be, knowing the costs of getting it back to the chop shop would not offset the street value of my factory sound system.

Andrew Healan

New Orleans comedian and host of the podcast That Sounds Reasonable