Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Why don't you write books people can read?

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I am not young enough to know everything.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Why don't you write books people can read?

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

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People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.